Bonesy's Blahg

Ratings

I’ve been demoted.  This has nothing to do with my new boss having read my blog.  (I’m pretty sure she hasn’t.)  Actually, it has nothing to do with my day job at all.

Nope.  I’ve been demoted by my child, the infamous Kid2.

Earlier today, I had this convo:

Kid2: Woman, don’t you EVER answer your phone?

Me: What are you talking about?

Kid2: Well, I’ve sent you like 3 texts lately that you haven’t bothered to respond to.

Me:  Are you feeling unloved?

Kid2: Maybe a little. But one was pretty important, so you suck.

Me: Also, I’m kind of awesome.

Kid2: But mostly you suck.

Me: With a side of awesome.

Kid2: Well, sometimes.

Sometimes!?

I have now been demoted to “sometimes” status on the Scale of Awesome.

So, in order to remedy that, I’ve agreed to go to her sorority Founders Day brunch next month.   I’m not quite sure why she wants me to do this.  Have I mentioned that I like to leave an impression?

“Like to” might be a bit of a stretch.  It kinda just happens.  I can’t be trusted in public settings.

So, apparently, Kid2 is just asking for it.   Which means she secretly loves when I embarrass her.

Which means I’m pretty fucking awesome, whether she’ll admit it or not.

July 24, 2016 Posted by | Family, Kids, Textersations | , , , , , | 2 Comments

What It’s Like To Be My Kid

 

 

Kid3:

 

Me: Sweet! Are you at the creepy puppet museum? If so, take drugs to sleep tonight.  Otherwise, the nightmares will make you crazy.  That’s how creepy puppet museums work.  They’re a front for the makers of Ambien.

Kid3: Howdy Doody?  Lol  Emily took me to the natural bridge and they had a toy museum that we looked at in the gift shop.  The toy museum was free!

Me: Really?!  That’s because old toys are creepy.  And creeped out kids get nightmares.  Nightmares are free.  Know what’s not free?  The drugs parents buy to make sure creeped out kids sleep.  It’s all about the drugs.

Kid3: You are a junkie.

Me: I get nightmares.

Kid3: Was Howdy Doody before your time & more for Aunt Kim? I remember one of you two was making fun of us for looking like Howdy Doody or something when we were younger.

Me: Howdy was from the 50s, but I think we watched reruns.  We make fun because we love.  Also, because we hate.  And because we feel ambivalent.  But with you, it was def out of love. 

Kid3: Ah okay.  It looked old but I didn’t know how old.  But we know that’s why you did it all those years.

July 13, 2016 Posted by | Family, Kids, Sleep, Textersations | Leave a comment

Vulva Days

My sister is getting married this summer.  It’s a huge deal, y’know… being wedding # 4 & all.  (I keed, I keed!) Actually, it kind of is a big deal, seeing as how this will hopefully be her last wedding. (It’s okay, she lives in another state, so can’t smack me when she reads this.  Also, there’s the fact that, despite being the LITTLE SISTER, I can totally kick her ass.)

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I have kind of a mental block for dates.  I’m not sure why, but I just have issues remembering stuff like that.  It might have something to do with numbers.  Anyway, I got to thinking about the wedding today & realized I needed to get some vacation days scheduled for the wedding.  Only I couldn’t remember WHAT days I needed.    This is what transpired, via text:

Me: What is wedding date again? Need to schedule vulva days.

Kim: Vulva days? It is July 16

Me:  hahahaha OMG! VACA days!

Kim: That is what I thought! Broom closet is OFF limits this time!**

Me: Goddammit, you never let me have any fun!

Kim: hahaha Too funny! Hey, have the camper arranged for girls’ weekend, too.

Me: SCORE!!! No need to arrange for a broom closet for me that w/e, though.  Also, I’m totally referring to your wedding as “Vulva Days” from now on.

Her: That is just toooooo funny! Have to just love typos! Ummm it was a typo, right? haha

Me: I’m not sure…Maybe!  Weird though, b/c right before that, I emailed (name deleted) to ask for an update on her tit! Vulvas & tits, that’s how I roll.

Yeah.  It’s true.  I really did email my friend to ask about her tit… just before texting my sister to ask when Vulva Days were.  Is it any wonder people are nosy curious as to what goes on in my cubicle?  It’s called multi-tasking, people!  But, if you’re my customer, & it sounds like I was giggling when I answered the phone this afternoon… Now you know why.

**Yes, I do have a broom closet/wedding story.  Don’t we all?



March 3, 2011 Posted by | Confession, Family, Friends, Textersations | 4 Comments

Things In My Text Box

Since I let so much time go by between blog posts, these things have really been piling up.  Because of that, this list is pretty damn long.  Also, now I’ll need some new material.  So, if you’re one of my texting peeps… get to work, I need to reload!!!!   No pressure, though.

–         I heard if u feed someone antifreeze it kills them…just sayin’

–         Inject it in the fruit the husband will get blamed.. Easy fix… Man, I’m evil today.

–         I would say ummm excuse me but u have to stop or else I’m gonna have to kill that apple.

–         Looks all clotted & gross. Can’t bring myself to try them!

–         It really looks like blood! That’s nasty

–         Keep pushing.  You’ll find out what “arsenic” means in a hurry.

–         Would you like some curry-ade?

–         Watch how you talk to me bitch!  I know where you sleep.

–         Also helps that you’ll just be back from a fab long weekend of mayhem & kidnapping!

–         Oh we can torture him

–         No clue. Never been arrested. Except that one time…

–         She crossed over to the dark side. There’s no going back now (…)*

–         (…)’s dad looks like a rapist.

–         This is what my excited pants look like.

–         Looks like a hairy blanket woody!

–         I doooo have a large one!

–         OK, then measure that.

–         I’m going to get the inspection soon.

–         Wow, that was fast! How big is the box?

–         What if I go blind…or poke an eye out or something?

–         Let him put it in there. Thank him…but ignore your mom!

–         “Spot of girlie” totally made me LOL!

–         Thanks, chick.  That was 1 heavy ol’ lady! Also, old lady bits require eye bleach!

–         Just had a redheaded slut. (DISCLAIMER: rest of this text deleted, because I can’t bring myself to type it!)

–         How about just a hug? She’s not really my type.

–         Haha!  Super!!!!  Well I attract girl nasty asses as well ya know…I just have this special way of making crazy people like me for a minute.

–         You’re just jealous.

–         Never heard of it, but sounds right up my white trash alley!

–         Wow that seems so long, but I know you’re having fun.

–         U r dirty!! Ha ha!!

–         (…) was a dirty bitch!! Miss you too. We’re going to have to figure out ways to wee each other more often.

–         funk funnk funk funky…dirty bitch dirty bitch

–         I have that part minus the orgy.

–         You can join if you would like.

–         U see who you can cougar up to coming & then we’ll see

–         Beautiful..I suggest whistling while u work..smile lots..it will keep them guessing what u really did for ur long lunch.

–         I meant at the table, not the truck.

–         Then it’s my lucky day!

–         Herpes is a sexually transmitted disease.  The brother story makes me think it’s a mean ass rumor.

–         I think I’ll stop at the bar on the way home myself. Maybe I’ll find a replacement for your ungrateful ass.

–         I’m such a temptress!

–         And that is one SEXAY SEXAY man!!

–         Right on! His neck may be a bit thicker though.  He is chubby lol

–         It was hot. I can see why they acted on it.

–         I might have to run up n hump his leg like a stray pup

–         Dats cute

–         I know!! Please try n refrain from touching

–         Way to rub it in mom!

–         Please pardon me…I should not neglect you so.

–         I couldn’t get near that chick. She was like a ninja

–         I don’t know him yet..but he’s about to be my new baby daddy

–         Hey baby

–         Ohhhh me to!!!! Super sad…however, if you let (…) or whatever Mr Midget Face name is get his midget groove on with u…we could go for free!

–         Awesome!!! That’s being a good sport!! Remove that bahoodie guard n let that mini people sex god have his way.

–         Oh my he looks Chinese

–         Damn, that sounded DIRTY!

–         And a yappy little fucker?

–         So what if the boy is home. Cant u 2 get nasty quietly?

–         That’s fucked up

–         Ugh!  I just gagged!!!

–         I know its naughty

–         Lets get drunk and go dildo shopping HAHA

–         Where are you mommy?

–         I still like the dildo for her tho!

–         I think so… n u can so share ur stuff with me

–         I do that a lot

–         bad bad girls!!!

–         Just wish I could get the dirty store out of my brain. You naughties!  The fire hydrant looking thing was something else!

–         I so wanted that…

–         Alrighty, madre.

–         Ha ha!! Beat him with it! Say stop it don’t touch don’t touch don’t touch

–         Hahahahahahaha!! All I can think of is that GIANT scary toy n butt plugs…Look out (…), (…)’s gonna SHARE!

–         I hurt

–         Ha ha ha ha!  Thanks, friend.  Just what I always wanted!

–         Okay I’m excited!!!

–         Ha ha!! No!!!! I told him that u were a good girl n wanted a chin vibrator!!!

–         WHAT THE HELL!!  So that is what a dickhead looks like!! Haha

–         Rubbers?

–         Ummm what is that? It looks like a turkey with abs in a santa suit

–         Sounds strangely dirty..yet also innocent at the same time.

–         How about a box of penis suckers?

–         How fabulous is that!!!!

–         I like it!!

–         All the genitalia is drawn. That’s how the names are written.

–         Ha ha shut up!! Does ur shit say that??

–         I know it could make us bazillionaires!! We R goin to be way more fun n adventurous than Jackass.

–         Yes, but we can make it happen! Think of how much fun it will be in a total redneck hillbilly bar! We will each have more teeth than everyone else in the bar put together!

–         Ha ha!!  I feel like hummin to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies… not quite sure why exactly haha!

–         Oh man drive fast I think I hear the chainsaws from here

–         What’s that spelling? Is that Kentucky for Christmas?

–         Just dropped toothpaste cap in dad’s teeth water n didn’t throw up. I must be getg ghettofied!

–         We will & will be dirt cheap! Just gas money & dive motels!  Will be a riot

–         That’s how I roll.

–         We r in hell friend!  This place is nuts!

–         The world is ending…I just know it!  People R losing their minds!

–         REVOLT!

–         I’ll crack

–         Haha! I hate that too…breathing makes me crazy too!

–         Nope, haven’t forgotten…but insanity by genetics is a great excuse for when we get uncharacteristically fucking bonkers!!

–         Yes I need help with that!  No crazy asses permitted beyond this point!

–         All she needs is a little special ed helmet

–         Sharpie

–         I’m a math genius

–         U R tard!

–         And make sure you wipe me good!

–         Wash em wash em wash em EWWWW EWWWWW  EWWWWW!!

–         Um, no.  Def not. No (…)s No (…) No nasty asses.  No clean asses.  No asses at all.

–         MEAN ASS!!!!!!

–         Maybe. But not a smelly ass.

–         I can find the ass on my own just fine…thanks tho

–         Now I’m in traffic. Chick next to us looks just like Gilda Radner! It’s like SNL day, only with assholes

–         I bet u do!!  Ass!!!!

–         Yep, & also an assy personality

–         Apparently you get your assiness from your daddy

–         What kinda meds…beer…poker…and ass?

–         I took that a long time ago

–         Are you on drugs again?  Who is Clover?

–         Don’t forget my drugs!

–         I think they did haha!! I got my wax on today n u got ur rufies on haha!

–         We R a walking talking pharmacy

–         Im bringing excedrin n my nerve pills…ya just never know haha!

–         Now I have munchies. I’m in the druggie club!

–         Perfect biz op for you…Advertise on craigslist & charge stoners $5 to come eat your chips!!

–         Haha!!  Got munchies?  Got chips!

–         No we don’t need milk or bread…Chips  We will survive on chips!!!

–         I  know. Did I tell u they brought us 14 bags of chips last night??

–         BUY SOME FOR ME!  My weave just fell out

–         That’s awesome!  I wanna go cuz I need some new weave!

–         That’s so funny!!! It was the rubbers on ur fingers n ur furry monster I just seen that text! Not sure how I missed that one

–         It is fun!! Maybe after winter u could give it a shave or a trim…hairy beast is frightful!! Haha

–         Hahahaha!!! What is that?? Does it talk? Walk? Breathe?  It’s awfully hairy! I think it may need to wax!

–         haha!! Add her!! I got my first wax today i had (…) laughin so hard that shit hurts I yelled

–         Ummm my hair doer girl talked me into it. I do not recommend that shit at all! Holy piss

–         I shaved mine too n I had no issues now I’m all red n swollen my eyes look like I’m a puffer monster.

–         Not my happy place!! I do shave that I got my brows waxed!! OMG!!!!!

–         I would be tempted to braid it if mine was like that!! That sounds bad, huh?

–         Now that’s just not even nice.

–         Haha! Well as long as u love her that’s all that matters!!

–         Mullets rnt as out as u think. Just saw a whole fam of mullets @ Wallyworld

–         Mullets @ Big Lots 2

–         And has a MULLET! Who wants to hang w mullet man? Not me, my friend. Not me.

–         We’re way cooler than any dude w a mullet. I’m just sayin’

–         Wallyworld is the only place they still exist.  That store is MADE for mullets

–         If a zombie apocalypse happens, we’re taking over WallyWorld. They have entertainment, food, & an endless supply of places to sleep.

–         Too bad you can’t hear this radio station!  You are an expert on this topic! Its about taking pictures of random people in funny clothes or situations!  Lol

–         Yep. Shoes with toes.  Funky!!

–         There’s nothing worse than sloppy chewers n heavy breathers!

–         I think that being a mouth breather and smelling bad is a double whammy and its a double whammy for me too because I have to sit by this girl

–         Cube troll is sucking & slurping all over an apple. WTF? So nauseating.

–         Queezy tummy girl joing us now. Btr not poop her pants!

–         Crap. Isn’t she potty trained? Nasty!

–         Well, she IS Republican

–         Dammit there it goes

–         He IS sperm.

–         I’m sitting in your basement.

–         Creeper even in your dreams!!!

–         The force is with me today.  My superpowers are strong.

–         Who’s wonder woman?

–         Dude, have you not met me?

–         I’m halfway between the equator & the north pole!

–         Hahahaha relax woman!

–         Dammit, you’re ruining all my fun!!

–         Blah blah blah…all this abuse is creating too much stress…

–         No…cheap bastard

–         Ha ha I’m sitting here!

–         Liar

–         Dammit

–         If I can’t have my way…I’ll just have to hold my breath

–         I want meatloaf!

–         So rude.  Let’s have meatloaf for Thanksgiving!

–         When are we eating bitch..I’m hungry

–         Bite me, fucker.  You’ll eat when I tell you it’s ready.

–         Back to my question…Bitch, where’s my hassenfeffer?!

–         You make it easy for those of us that must deal with you on a regular basis..to wish you would roll over a bed of tacks sometimes..and I don’t know why..we still love you.

–         Oh I bet u will!! I’m gonna call u scary the singing band manager. I can’t remember our band name. I think I’m so tired I’m not sure I’m remembering much.

–         Nah! I’m super nice

–         Logical…Totally insensitive…but logical

–         ???

–         Haha…then sparkley sunny skies n moonbeams will be just part of ur office lingo…Just do it!  Its fun!

–         Make up special sayings that only u know the meanings to n say them.  It will bring satisfaction.  My computer is so beautiful today it shines like a starlit sky.

–         Does that say strawberry manilow?

–         (…) liked her belly button cleaner n momma like bobblehead jesus

–         Maybe we will have to make a poster to hang in the window!  Tonight is midget wrestling!

–         If my elbow became injured..and I needed to go to the hospital..would u come home then?

–         I win. Or lose. Fuck

–         Well it’s like this. The combine out back damn near took my arm off @ the elbow..the sore one!!! The rag I have tied around it has the bleeding under control for the moment. 911 has been notified

–         But I’M BLEEDING!!!! Have you no compassion?

–         Im laughin so hard I can’t breathe!!

–         Oh my god u did not!!! Im goin to puke from laughing…quit it!!

–         Stop it!!

–         I’m not lol ing!

–         Don’t get a big head there, friend.  Mostly because it’d look ridiculous after having such a pinny lil Beetlejuice head for so long.

–         I can’t get a big head.  Beetle, remember?

–         Yes, yes I do. You’re lucky or I’d be running so very far from you all right now

–         Hmmm…true. But doesn’t his head balloon for a few secs after that? Been a while, maybe I just made that up.

–         Thanks for clearing that up. Your comment made no sense to me.

–         What? I don’t know what that means (seriously)

–         Hahaha I know. I’m good with that

–         Everyone else will be checking in. Except your mom, but she’s a bitch.

* In case you don’t remember from the previous text posts, (…) means I took out the name to protect the not-so-innocent.

If you’re new to my blog, thanks for stopping by!  Hopefully, you don’t have a mullet or an abnormal amount of pubic hair.  If  you do… well, sorry if I offended you.  Okay… no, I’m really not.  Try some grooming, man!   I will tell you that these texts are both incoming & outgoing, & I never tell which.  So, maybe this isn’t the best way for you to get to know me.  Stick around a while & browse.  Hopefully, I won’t scare you away 🙂

Also, nobody was harmed in the making of this text list.   Just thought I should throw that out there so you didn’t contact the authorities.

January 11, 2011 Posted by | Advice, Confession, Friends, Kids, Textersations, Work | Leave a comment

Things In My Text Box

These posts are always both incoming and outgoing texts, and I never tell which.  This one, however, is a little bit different.  Mostly because I dumb assedly erased almost all of my inbox.  On accident.  And then I uttered a few curse words.  Surprise, I know!!   There are a couple of incoming texts in this post, but this group was mostly sent by me to my anonymous friends & family.  If you sent me something & were hoping to see it in my next text post … Sorry, but you know I’m kind of a dumbass sometimes. 

Also, keep in mind that these posts are not conversations.  Most of them were completely innocent (I’d insert an angelic-faced picture here, if I had one.), so they’re taken completely out of context & rarely in order.  That would require a cell phone better than mine & some organizational skills.  I have neither.

–         Why, does he deer hunt pantsless? Bet that causes shrinkage.

–         Cold air in those places is not considered a good thing to sane people.  Put some fucking clothes on next time!

–         They just want to TRY! They like warm, moist places.  I only have a couple of those.

–         Right.  I’ll take my chances with the possible bed bugs.  They don’t want to impregnate me.

–         Have a great way for your to raise $ for your missions trip.  Prostitution!!!

–         Log on before homewrecking whore is taken.  Tooo funny.

–         Dude…We group sodomized Jesus yesterday!

–         Nice.  Good thing I don’t believe in Jesus. Otherwise, I’d be a lil nervous.

–         OMG that’s horrible but why am I laughing right now?

–         So, I think black guys that are hard of hearing have a thing for me.

–         Nah, you love me.  I’m your favorite.

–         Make sure you wave in the general direction of your asshole Uncle Austin Powers while you’re in his ‘hood

–         It’s better that way. Family is overrated if they’re all assholes.

–         Holy fuck it just hit me…I have a Wonder Woman & a Batman!  If I had kept breeding, I could have birthed the new Justice League!

–         Not really, they’re all goofy.  That’s how I roll.

–         OMG!!  Did you hear that?  That was the sound of my eyes rolling.

–         You should have some chocolate.  And then maybe find a midget to laugh at. That always makes me feel better.

–         Hey, I’m as classy as a Detroit Denny’s!!

–         Now I want sausage.  These drugs blow!!

–         Well, I don’t want you to forget!  I’m out of drugs, woman!

–         Bite me, junkie.

–         Make it 20 & you’re on.  Have to do something with my hair. Holy fuck, I look like a crackhead!

–         So if they made a serotonin supplement, I’d be sane?  Good to know.

–         Must be something going on there today. Or they’re just winos.

–         Your dog just pissed in the dining room…then started licking it up.  And you thought she wasn’t “special.”

      –    Only like Special Olympics kids.  They’re all winners of some sort.

–         Yep. And there’s nobody in my apt to see me naked anyway! Lol

–         OMG!!! That is a pocket hoohoo!!! Hilarious!!

–         Yep. Pocket pussy. Stuck to the wall.

–         Dammit!!  I want my ladybits back!!

–         You should practice using it on each other…see whose hair smokes the most.

–         Bitch wasn’t faking.  And we were at Chili’s.

–         Good point.  Have to make sure not to wear saggy drawers while eating chips.

–         I don’t like sand in my hoo-ha.

–         Oh.  Good point.  Dollars it is!

–         If they catch you, start crying & say you stopped taking your meds & just can’t control the voices anymore.

Note to self:  Next time, when the phone asks if you REALLY want to delete these items… Just say no.

November 15, 2010 Posted by | Advice, Confession, Friends, Kids, Textersations | Leave a comment

Things In My Text Box

– Bitch
– You are a bitch!
– God, you’re a bitch!
– Have I told you lately you’re a bitch?
– You are a bitch! Hahaha Now I need a nap.
– OMG!! You captured their souls! You JAMMERN!!
– I HATE YOU!! haha
– Haha Thanks Mom
– You know I love ya, right Mommy?
– If I had a flower for every time I thought of my mother, I could walk in my garden forever 😀
– You mentally tortured us for punishment.
– Did you see the nice thing I said while you were clearing your texts?
– I’ve discovered that grandma’s finger was roughly the size of one of my toes.
– He needs a cheaper hobby. Like hookers or blow.
– My underwear are falling down.
– It’s like my pants don’t want anything between my ass & them!
– Where were you shopping, Sistas R Us?
– Awww pretty (name deleted) in her lab coat!
– (name deleted) All beige, all the time.
– You would look so purr-ty!
– @ Subway in capri pajama pants & no bra
– Well you flaunt those puppies then like she did. Short skirt or too tight corduroys?
– Very weird chick! At least no I Love Lucy dress & heels today.
– Went shopping yesterday & came home w these shirts. Just realized I’m going to dress like an Easter egg all winter!
– Nope, (name deleted) took the pic. Baby in a sombrero!
– She got her hair cut again over the w/e & now it looks like those cheap wigs in the back of women’s mags.
– This is actually a good thing. People w mullets are like midgets. You can’t help but to look @ them & smile.
– Anyway…it’s a mullet, but also strangely tall on top.
– Also, (name deleted) is a humpback.
– I made a meat penis!
– Strangely like fajita…but then I’ve never actually tasted pig penis.
– He needs to find one of those chicks that have a fetish for fat men…take care of his fungus problem. Did you cook your meat penis last night?
– Dammit! Missed opportunity. It shrank when I cooked it & didn’t look so penis-y anymore.
– Holla! Think she’ll pick the meat off the bones for me again?
– No, that would be cruel.
– I would’ve gotten dirty if I would’ve touched her…She’s rather nasty, my friend. I believe she could use a soak.
– Drunk homeless people hanging out behind the covered parking under my building.
– Stinky feet?
– I don’t know. Do you smell like BenGay? Maybe you’re like catnip to old men & they just can’t resist your scent.
– Geeks love fish…and girls who smell like fish.
– Are you trying to tell me you have gas?
– It’s my flat wide butt.
– Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?
– Yeah. Unfortunately, they are not welcome to the yard.
– A guy with one arm is mowing the lawn!
– Our lawn? We don’t even know a one-armed man!
– Ha ha! I feel like a secret spy on a mission…only it doesn’t involve attacking anyone or no one has to die in the end…awesome!
– She’s a REPUBLICAN??? And a PALIN fan?! Are you just fucking with me?
– A Republican I can handle. I don’t understand, but whatev. A Palin fan is just unforgivable.
– Hmm I knew there was a reason. U were lonely and inflicted damage on yourself for sympathy.
– That’s funny. Strippers do that too.
– Tx for the visual silly girl. I just got home wrk in my dominatrix.
– WHAT?? Dominatrix homework?
– (silence)
– Maybe you just aren’t any good at it.
– Yes please – but forgive me if I decline to worship with you –I might end up body snatched too!
– Hmm valid concern – so you may have been body snatched – next you’ll be training to become a minister.
– @ church this early after a wild older person party?! Crazy! I’m always late.
– Can’t believe how many mothers w kids @ Walmart reek of alch!
– I’m doing a hungover titty walk. So fun though!
– Nice. Nothing like a sprinting crackhead.
– Orrville as in popcorn? I don’t know what a bong is!
– Called (name deleted) lady said they have pipes after I asked about bongs and she said they start at a little less than 20.
– You’re welcome. It’s your future I’m looking out for.
– Nobody ever died from that. Except that one guy.
– Unless I go in for a broken leg and they break my arm to take my mind off the pain in my leg.
– That’s because he can’t REACH them!
– I am a crazy for sure…they should probably put me to sleep.
– No but close. I do have odd moments every now n then.
– Eating a hotdog while on a bun with a fork and knife. This girl is crazy cakes to the fullest.
– Well I got laid off. Lack of work… I guess coloring & paperclip trains didn’t look like work.
– Working. Kinda. Mostly I’m fucking off. What about you?
– Athletic Business. Not sure what orgasmic women have to do with athletic business, though.
– Yes, didn’t you get my text about the condom club sticky note making us laugh?
– I seen that… It’s kind of interestingly dumb.
– Why did that sound like Rob Schneider in my head?
– You realize you TOLD a secret, just minus the name, right?
– To be clear, just who are we keeping our secret from?
– Nah, you love me. I’m a good secret keeper!
– Back door?
– Hahaha I couldn’t figure out what the brown was!
– And the water cleared up pretty well. Probably was from the stress reliever & the amt of poop in that bag.
– My BIFF is adding you on facebook! You should accept her cordial invitation to her friendship!
– I have graciously accepted her cordial offer of friendship in an effort to bring peace to our lands. Also, I’m stoned.
– Yay! Happy Stoning!

October 31, 2010 Posted by | Confession, Friday 5, Friends, Kids, Textersations, Work | 2 Comments

Things In My Text Box

Yes, I do know it’s only been a few days since my last text update.  But dammit, if I don’t get these typed right away they pile up like Chinese stacking people & take FOREVER to sort through!  Besides, I have it on good authority that these are my best posts.  Really, I think my kids just like to see their texts in print.

-She looks like a crackhead stripper who’s not talented enough to strip IN the ghetto bar & instead does her act in the alley behind the bar.  Next to the dumpster.  And her bar is really just a broken umbrella.

-Need to convert newly empty bedroom into pole dancing studio. Mine’s not big enough.  I hit my feet on the dresser.  Not sexy!

-You should put a stripper pole in your bedroom too.

-OK maybe, but have you seen my coordination skills?  None.  Plus (name deleted to protect the blushing husband) would get embarrassed & close his eyes.

-My lap dancing skills are lacking.  I’ve got the pole dancing down, though.

-I need practice in it all.  I’m coloring today at work, though.  I have that down.

-Hold on a minute…condom club?  What the hell??

– I push “no,” but get mama some free condoms for xmas.

– Noticed pedophile (name deleted to protect the rights of a sick bastard) commented on post about baby.  Bet he loves babies.

-He jumped right on that brownie thing.  Creeper.

-Nope.  Creepy cousins never get a clue.

-Maybe it hurts to be ugly.

-Kinda like if Mr. Clean & Charlie Brown had a love child.

– More like if Mr. Clean & Charlie Brown had a threesome with Dumbo’s mama & she somehow got knocked up  by both.

– Crush him, then carry his oily remnants around in a jar as a warning to other men.

– Also, if they say anything, tell them it’s customer service week, so it’s all about the celebration of you.  Tomorrow will be Patty Cake Wednesday.

– I’m goin for the front ponytail.  I think that’s nice.

– That’s a fabulous look for you, especially on Leisure Suit Wednesday.

– And how did that go over?  You should be the most popular chick in the office.  Or get some paid time off for mental distress.  Either/or.

– Fuck her.  No really, fuck her.  Then you can get the crazy time off PLUS $ for sexual harassment. SCORE!!

– Dude, you fucked your way into a promotion!! That’s awesome!

– OK I cannot type without glasses & with 3 beers in me.  My arms aren’t long enough!

– Pic last night was a blow up lobster with a bib.  I was a little tipsy & made a wrong turn trying to stumble my way back into the bar…Right into the freaky lobster display!

– Creepy little fucker’s googly eyes in the shadowed, HAUNTED hall gave me the willies.

– Fat people have short arms.  Use your jab.

– Her fat could knock me out if she even moved from just swinging.  I’ll need a bulldozer for her.  Any ideas where I can find one cheap?

– This is just ridiculous.  I think I should teach these people a lesson.  Jumping them should be sufficient, but if this chick sat on me, I’d die.

– Also, I’m sitting on a bus next to a woman who is so fat she takes up 2 ½ seats.

–  And now a guy standing in front of me is wearing an explorer kind of hat with tennis shoes, jeans & a corduroy jacket.  WHAT IS GOING ON??

– If anyone shows up in a bunny costume, RUN!!

– Msg: I’m making $11/hr to make paperclip trains.

– I told you I was gonna put him to work.  Want me to knock the ladder over…You know, accidental-like?

– I don’t know where that b came from…But when I saw it, I liked it, so I left it there.  And ooohhhh became ooohhhhB.

– No, it’s me.  I’m retarded 2day.  But just 2day.

– You know I love you…but you’re kinda stupid, aren’t you?

– I’m in awe.  Also, I’m impressed they give you so many markers to color with, yet don’t let you color.  That’s just a challenge.

– Hahaha I can have pasties?  That’s exactly what I’ve been missing in my work wardrobe!  Maybe they’ll give me a raise.  Or some paid time off for my mental health.  Either/or.

– SHUT UP!!! Or I’ll boil you…

October 5, 2010 Posted by | Advice, Confession, Friends, Kids, Textersations, Work | Leave a comment

Things In My Text Box

Back by popular request (OK, really it was Greek’s request)…  As always, some of these are TO me (which really means that if you text me, you should know by now that you have no right to privacy) and some are FROM me, and I’m not telling what’s what.  Also, I should probably tell you that these will be offensive to many nationalities.  But, since I’m an equal opportunity offender, you probably already knew that.  It’s okay, though.  I offend middle aged white women, too.

-Hubby find out about boyfriend?  What a whore!

– We knew she was a whore when she sat down & the chair got an infection.

– Ohhh…I like the whole “role play” thing! If I do a few sit-ups & wear a mullet wig, can we pretend it’s 1983 & I’m only 18?  SCORE!!

– (name deleted) was supposed to burn it for me but he’s been busy.  So I get my fix on YouTube once in a while.

– I’m jealous! I never got to see mini people porn, much less a Christmas show.

– Nope, flashed a black guy instead. Mental note-throw swimsuit away.

– Worse, it was bottoms…& not only my butt flashed!

– Party the Punjabi way: 50 bottles of Mt Dew & about 75 of Dr. Pepper.

– I’m the only one here today & it’s normally packed.  Hope no one was murdered or eaten by ducks.

– Back at park.  Hopefully no run-ins with dycks.

– I would say they suck, but maybe they just leak.

– That was sort of mean of me.  Not sure why I said that, but for some reason don’t feel too bad.

– Bad Tranny

– Is there any way that they can shrink??

– You could give her some rum – Guaranteed to shut her the fuck up!

– So YOU’RE the weird chick?!

– Good point.  Vajayjay needed a breather after being strangled for a day.

– Wow, now THAT’S a strangling!

– No fair, u just made me choke my taco!

– It’s kinda like a sitcom, without the funny parts… Making it just a sit, which is short for situation, which makes me think of that ugly guido poser boy, which irritates me, which makes me feel sorry for you having to deal with it all.

– – She said she’s wearing a dress to the game so she can moon u.  Now I’m scared.

– It’s ok, I’ll warn the others.  Also, we have a roll of caution tape.  We’ll just rope off a granny area for her.

– BRING IT GRANDMA!!!

– I say we knock her down & beat her with her cane.  We’ll say it was an accident!

– I swear I’m gonna get a pack of  pepsi, some slim jims & whatchamacallits & show up at your house one night.

– I feel a tumor coming on!

– A tumor might be too extreme.  But I’m REALLY annoyed at her right now.

– Did you double up on the evil pill today?

– Oh my goodness! Black midget with blonde hair!

– Pic, please!

– She wheeled away, but I’ll try.

– So follow her, I need a pic!
– In another room? I don’t know where she went because I didn’t plan to chase her.

– If you use T9 to write honkers, you’ll get hookers instead.

– What in the world is a honker, how did they come up with that, & how did you find it?

– I wish we were the honkers!!

– Yeah, I would hate to be a honker.

– It’s like hooters…but it’s not.

– Yeah & they should sell nothing but milkshakes.

– And hot dogs.  Really large hotdogs.

– Amish flea market!  Didn’t’ think they’d go with butt rub.

– N E room under the tent for an old bitch 2 sit?

– I’m pretty negro if I do say so myself.

– Ooohhh…he just said HE is my asian daddy!

– Don’t (name deleted) & I have a black daddy?

– No, mommy was just feeling a different flavor of love when you were conceived.

– Those tiny Indians are vicious.

– I need some fruit salad to find my “A” game.

– Holy fuck, where do you put all those people? Just because your last name is (removed, but Hispanic), you don’t have to LIVE like Mexicans!

– You may need to go shopping again.  This time, stay away from the petites.  Pants aren’t meant to impregnate us.

– Is this research something that will affect my ability to sleep unmedicated?  It’s a skill I’m working on.

– Has he been mexicated?

– meDicated.  Mexicated is when you get knocked up by a spic.  That’s a whole other thing.

– That too.  Maybe if you lace the boot tip with the drugs, he can just get them rectally.  It’s a win-win.  You’ll feel much better after kicking him.

– No, it has to do with fashion design & your innate ability to match things.

– You should buy stirrup pants.   They’re never too short, the elastic waist is always higher than your bellybutton (no ass cleavage!), they’re super stretchy so you can eat whatever you want, & they’re always in style!

– My toast is getting lippy with me.

– Finger condoms!

– OK, what meds are you taking that make you think having a thousand pricks would be fun?

And… that’s all I’ve got.  I’ve purged the cell phone & am starting my new collection.

September 29, 2010 Posted by | Friends, Kids, Textersations | 5 Comments

A Much Needed Kick in the Ass

When I started this blog, I thought I would have plenty of material to get me through the first few months.  Yeah, obviously missed on that one.  I’ve struggled with the sharing of personal details of day to day life with my friends & family.  While they are all frequently ridiculously funny (both the details & the friends/family!)…I’m just not so sure I want to share it (or them) with the masses.  Maybe I’ll get there one day… Maybe not.

Because I haven’t been posting anything even remotely personal (or posting anything at all), I get this conversation:

Friend: What are those WordPress things I see on your facebook?

Me: Blog postings.

Friend: Huh?

Me: Blog postings.

Friend: Whose postings?

Me: BLOG postings.  Postings from my BLOG.

Friend: So who writes them?

Me: Um, me.

Friend: You write that?

Me: Why do you sound so surprised?

Friend: Well, I just didn’t know that was you.

Me: Well, that is my picture in the upper right corner.  Sure, it was taken by a ridiculously drunk dude just before he fell off the picnic table…but it’s remarkably non-blurry.  Also, clearly me.

Friend: …?… (  <—-That means quizzical look, in case you were wondering.)

Between the above conversation & this textersation with my daughter: 

 Kid2:  “You haven’t updated your blog since July 6th.  You’re terrible at this”

Me: “I know, I just said that to (name deleted to protect the not-so-innocent) last week.  I have some stuff started, just have to find the time & my muse.  She’s been a fickle bitch lately.”

Kid2: “Well, get it together woman!”

… maybe I’d better get back to work.

September 27, 2010 Posted by | Friends, Kids, Textersations | 2 Comments

Things In My Text Box

– I’m not sure, but our VAGINAS ARE UNDER ATTACK!!  We should get them some little hoo-ha helmets.

– Complete backfire!  I wanted Xanax & instead walked out with a list of therapists & a script for a yeast infection.

– Did you get a discount at all?

– So are you completely out of KY now?

– That is because she ate her!

– Good lick!

– I can’t imagine the horror of putting my head in that hellhole.

– I’ll use my feet.

– Did she call you a brazen hussy?

-You’re like a no-money madam.  Also?  Hickeys are tacky.

– How many pervs would like a 32A?  Can I sell YOUR bras & MY panties?

–  Hey, we need to get jugs too.

– Going out would mean putting my bra back on & wearing something more than PJs.  Think I’ll pass.

– U know what it makes itch on me!

– Woman.  Maybe you should cool it with the tequila.

– I can get you some hours old, warm from sitting in the sun, gas station sub meat.

– He’s an asshole & I hope that one day the gators get him back.

– Did he do it over a campfire, on a spit?  That’s how rednecks roll in my head.

– HELP ME!  JESUS IS ON FIRE!!!!

– Can I borrow your midget circus to clean my room?

– I work with fuckers too.

– I would say she’s autistic, but it’s more like bitch-tistic.

– Fake mustache > Silly Hats

– I feel Amish… Except I have a phone.

– Would you rather be sent a link about a woman who pooped herself while getting arrested, or a pic of Romy’s puke patty?

– We may have to tie a bungee cord to her life jacket.

– Dammit!  As a spammer, I should be making more $. Or at least have a stockpile of questionable Mexican drugs so I don’t need a script from my sexy librarian pirate doctor.

– Deflated watermelons look like a white trash alien housewife’s boobies after 6 kids.

– No melon for you!

– Dude..Did you drunk dial me at 2 am? I bet you were calling with a grand new plan to end all wars & get Lady GaGa to STFU.  And I missed it!  Dammit!!

– Holy hell, you must be bored! I think I’d rather have my teeth pulled by pliers & be visited by the real tooth fairy..who turns out to be Pennywise the clown, who shreds my innards and hangs me from the telephone wires where I would be eaten by crows…than watch that movie.

As always, I’m not naming names… and I’m certainly not telling you what is from my “in” box or what’s from my “sent” box.  I’ll leave that up to your imagination.

July 6, 2010 Posted by | Friends, Textersations | 4 Comments

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