Bonesy's Blahg

Excuses

So today I am one hot, hobbled mess.

I woke up with the best of intentions. My plan (like it is every morning) was to get up & ride the recumbent bike before work.

My alarm went off at 6 am and, while I admit there was a moment when I considered rolling back into the warmth that is my husband, I totally jumped right out of bed & started my day with a smile!

Ugh, who am I kidding?

I totally shut that bitch off & rolled back into the warmth for another 1/2 hour.

That may have been when things went awry.

Or, some sadistic fucker on his man period made a “me” voodoo doll & grabbed a giant pin.

Either way, when I finally did drag my ass out of bed, that first step was a bitch.

I know, because I yelled “BITCH!” right before I fell forward & smacked my forehead on the wall.

I’ve been fighting plantar fasciitis on my right foot for a while. Just when I think I’ve finally conquered it… it jumped to the left with a vengeance, just to prove who’s boss. (Hint… it’s not me.)

And I sleep on the left side of the bed, so that first step? Yep, it was the left. And that wall? Much closer to the bed than I realized.

So I hobbled my way through the morning routine (minus the bike), threw a little extra concealer on my forehead, grabbed an ice pack, then dug a dusty, mid-80s era, hand-me-down TENS unit out of the linen closet.

Why, you ask?

I told you, I had the best of intentions! I wanted to freeze and shock my foot back into submission so that I could go to churchersize tonight!

That’s right, churchersize. CHURCHERSIZE. The place where I go to get my sweat on once a week with my girl posse & a whole bunch of other, also sweaty people who are my sized, but have completely opposite religious beliefs, & then I dare god to smite me. So far, I have not yet been smited… though I have been cursed with the lesbian shuffle the next day.

(My legs won’t bend right & my arms are held at a weird angle to my body when I walk.)

And now? Now my day is mostly over & it looks like I will be smite-free once again!

No churchersize for me. Apparently, there just wasn’t enough freeze in my ice pack. There was enough buzz in my dusty old TENS unit, surprisingly enough. I mean, I don’t know what a “normal” setting is, but my eyebrows are smoking & I think I now have Tourette’s.

Just ask the guy at the Christian-owned restaurant down the street from my work. I made the office lunch run & he oh-so-kindly offered to help me carry it all to my car after seeing my pathetic limp. Cool Dumb as I am, I refused…then managed to hit my toe with the door, which threw me off balance, which caused me to knock my forehead on the edge of it as I stumbled out & yelled “FUCK! BITCH! GODDAMMIT!!” & stomped my good foot, completely forgetting that there was a short step down, dropping the massive amounts of food in my arms.

Sh!  Don’t tell the work peeps.  5 second rule!!

*sigh*

So, instead of eating my healthy lunch, then sweating it off this evening… I ate pebbly soul food, I’m sitting on the couch with my foot up watching an Alanis Morissette concert with my dog, & YOU get a blog post.  But hey, I MEANT well!

October 13, 2016 Posted by | Confession, Family, Friends, Health, Rant, Sleep, Work | , | Leave a comment

What It’s Like To Be My Kid

 

 

Kid3:

 

Me: Sweet! Are you at the creepy puppet museum? If so, take drugs to sleep tonight.  Otherwise, the nightmares will make you crazy.  That’s how creepy puppet museums work.  They’re a front for the makers of Ambien.

Kid3: Howdy Doody?  Lol  Emily took me to the natural bridge and they had a toy museum that we looked at in the gift shop.  The toy museum was free!

Me: Really?!  That’s because old toys are creepy.  And creeped out kids get nightmares.  Nightmares are free.  Know what’s not free?  The drugs parents buy to make sure creeped out kids sleep.  It’s all about the drugs.

Kid3: You are a junkie.

Me: I get nightmares.

Kid3: Was Howdy Doody before your time & more for Aunt Kim? I remember one of you two was making fun of us for looking like Howdy Doody or something when we were younger.

Me: Howdy was from the 50s, but I think we watched reruns.  We make fun because we love.  Also, because we hate.  And because we feel ambivalent.  But with you, it was def out of love. 

Kid3: Ah okay.  It looked old but I didn’t know how old.  But we know that’s why you did it all those years.

July 13, 2016 Posted by | Family, Kids, Sleep, Textersations | Leave a comment

How to WIN Friday the 13th in 769 words.

Sh! Everybody simmer down for a minute. I have something important to say!

Okay, not really.

But I am trying to quiet all the voices around me so that I can concentrate on the voices in my head.  Apparently, 3 days of missed meds & the resulting lack of sleep makes me a little schizophrenic.

It also makes me look a little like THIS:

I’m not saying this IS me, but I was a little sad earlier this week & wearing a purplish/blue shirt today. And I need to color my hair.

I think my trigger was the dirty apple I had for breakfast.  Okay, not a dirty apple.  I washed it.  But he did have a wicked case of blue balls & an apparent need to drop some seed.

Seriously, full frontal apples are the key to my genius!  Or just a happy coincidence for a dirty, sleep deprived mind.

But then I had to go to work…which is where the frivolity should have ended, if I had a lick of sense.

Which I do not.

And that’s how I was caught on the security cameras standing in the middle of the street shouting “HAPPY FREAKING FRIDAY!”

You can probably add that to the list of reasons they’ll eventually fire my ass.

But you know what?  IT FELT SO DAMN GOOD I DID IT A SECOND TIME!  Doubt me?  Try it.  Just don’t say I didn’t warn you they’ll eventually fire your ass for it.  Nothing like a little video proof of dumbassery.

From there, they paid me to eat breakfast.  Then make tea.  Then spill tea.  Then make more tea.  Then add extra tea bags to the new tea because I needed the caffeine & it was only 8:30.

Considering what they paid me to do all those things that I would should have done for free, I made some serious coin on a per-hour basis.  Probably.  I’m bad at math.

But it was all okay, because I found my old-ass ipod, which had a ton of music that I totally forgot I had!  So while I was fumbling away my morning in a gigantic puddle of eyecrossingly strong tea & paranoia, at least I got to jam to some great indie tunes & stuff that I’ll never admit to having on an ipod that may never see the light of day again.  And my new obsession song, which I added this morning before I ever saw the apple sac, but played over & over again like a fingerbanged teenager with a huge crush & a bad case of acne.

(“Taste” by Josh Abbott Band, in case you were wondering.)

I then let Kid4 know that Kid1 ruined my hoo-ha.  She thought that was TMI, but really, caring is sharing.  Plus, he did have a gigantic head.  There may be reconstruction surgery in my future.

Somehow, that became a text about back alley liposuction & vajazzling with an uber-conservative friend who doesn’t mind my over-sharing.

Then, 2 out of 4 children were demoted.  Temporarily, anyway.

I don’t think it had anything to do with giant heads or vajazzling or back alley lipo, but I’m not making any promises.

But I did encourage let them get into a bidding war for the title of MOM’S MOST FAVORITE CHILD after that, so I think I made good.  For the record, Kid2 won the sprint with her offer to let me come to campus & hang out in the Buckeyes football locker room!  Kid3 is looking more toward the marathon by planning out my pneumatic retirement trailer park.  He’s good, that one.  Kid1 just wants to be Kid2’s favorite sibling.  I’m not clear why he wants to hang out in the OSU locker room, though.  Curious.  Kid4 is working, so I’m still waiting on her offer.

But Kid2 & I did manage to solve every fucking world problem in existence via text message this afternoon!  I’d share with you, but we’re planning to sell our ideas to the highest bidder to help pay for my future trailer park.  Let’s just say I’m really fucking glad that placenta eating is a thing now.  And that Mt Dew plus Mentos equals ass-plosion.  But woe is the man who has to spend eternity huffing Larry the Cable Guy’s farts.

I’m not sure how we got to that either.

But then?  Then we designed Kid1’s new tramp stamp, which is sure to impress his future-mother-in-law …. or at least be easier to explain to her than his abnormal, but clearly AWESOME upbringing.

On crumpled notebook paper, for extra classiness.

May 13, 2016 Posted by | Confession, Family, Friends, Kids, People, Sleep, Work | 1 Comment

100 Things

Okay, so I know I’m just a few years behind with this.  What can I say?  Someone recently told me every blogger needs a “100 Things” post.  I think its bullshit, but am caving in to peer pressure.  Here are 100 random things about me, which will probably take me roughly a week & a half to write.

1) I can’t smell.  Every great once in a while, I think I might smell something, but I have no sense of whether it’s a good or bad scent.  No, I can’t explain it any better than that.

2) Anytime I tell someone I can’t smell, the first question is always “Well, can you taste things like everyone else?”  How the hell should I know?!

3) As a kid, I was a total tomboy who hated anything girly.  When I was about 5, we moved into a neighborhood with mostly boys.  I told everyone my name was “Ricky” so I could hang out with them instead of the girls in the ‘hood.  It worked like a charm, until someone came to our door one day & asked if “Ricky” lived there.

4) When I was 10, I wanted to grow up to play shortstop for the New York Mets.   I didn’t live anywhere near New York; I just knew they needed a shortstop.

5) I met my husband while signing up for the military, just after high school.  My military “career” lasted 5 weeks.  On the way home, I got engaged in Cleveland Hopkins Airport, surrounded by a crowd of paparazzi.  Okay, they were really just nosy bastards.  Whatever.

6) I got married with one days’ notice, on a Tuesday morning…and went to work that afternoon.

7) The mayor who married us was on bereavement leave at the time, as her husband had just died.  Her secretary called to tell her our story & she came in to do the ceremony for us.  She cried.

8 ) We don’t have any wedding pictures because we lost the roll of film.

9) I never wanted kids.  Yes, my kids know this.

10) I found out I was pregnant 2 days after my wedding.  I cried, he was ecstatic; we agreed not to tell anyone until I came to terms with it.  2 hours later, he stood up and announced it over Thanksgiving dinner in front of my extended family.  I had not yet come to terms with it.  He’s lucky the courthouse was closed for the next few days.

11) That baby was born 3 weeks after my 19th birthday.

12) 3 of my 4 kids were accidents.  Yes, I do know how babies are made.

13) When Kid 2 was a baby, all she wanted to do was sleep.  She never cried, never wanted anything.  Her pediatrician said not to wake her up to feed her. Basically, babies will let you know when it’s time to eat.  So, I didn’t.  She fell off the growth charts.

14) The only reason I cook is because, if I didn’t, someone would have eventually turned me into Children’s Services.  I’m pretty sure schools frown on children with distended bellies & flies crusting around their eyes.

15) I am a terrible housekeeper.

16) I still haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

17) I’m kind of a hermit.

18) All of my closest friends live far away, which works pretty well with hermit-ism.

19) My favorite band is The Pretenders.

20) My blog pic/avatar was taken at Chrissie Hynde’s restaurant.

21) Unless I am reading or watching tv, I have music playing.  It’s an eclectic mix of a soundtrack, based on what I’m feeling at that moment.

22) I was kicked out of band in the 5th grade because I couldn’t learn to read music.

23) I love sunglasses & can’t pass a rack without trying some on.  At one point, I had 15 pair.  Currently, I have 3.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’m pickier or if I’m finally growing up.

24) I am prejudiced against smokers, despite the fact that some of the people I love the most are smokers.  No, I don’t hold this against them… except for my husband.  I only hold it against him & all other smokers.  ***But not YOU, if you’re a smoker.  Just everybody else OTHER than you!

25) I can think of only 2 occasions where I changed my mind after forming a first impression of someone.  I really do make up my mind about people as soon as I meet them.

26) Both of those exceptions are now friends of mine.

27) Despite the fact that I am atheist, all of my friends are Christian.  This is one of the things I love most about them all.

28) I have a near OCD level of spelling & grammar Nazism.

29) Because of this, I was always in the spelling bee.

30) Despite THAT, I don’t think the spelling bee belongs anywhere near ESPN… Or ANY tv channel.

31) I tend to make up my own grammar rules, which only one other person understands.  I do see that #28 & #312 technically shouldn’t work together.

32) My daughters inherited that fucked-up gene.  Which technically ISN’T a gene, but whatever.

33) I once got a job based solely on my ability to spell.

34) I’m a poll worker on Election Day.  At one point, I was the youngest presiding judge in the county.

35) One of the ladies who works my precinct with me was my 7th grade math teacher.

36) I am really bad at math.

37) She does the math at the end of the night for our precinct.  It’s like she KNOWS ME!

38) I love the iconic Rosie the Riveter ad.

39) The only coffee I like is the cheap cappuccino at gas stations.  No, I don’t like Starbucks.  No, this does not make me a bad person.  It makes me a non-coffee drinker who doesn’t like overpaying!

40) I love unsweetened tea, of almost any flavor.

41) My middle name is Janice, pronounced (Janeese).

42) It’s also my mom’s middle name, and the one I gave Kid4.

43) Despite that, I totally did not name my daughter after my mother.

44) Or myself.  It just worked with her first name.

45) Kid2 was definitely named after my aunt, though.

46) I’m really bad at card games, especially poker.

47) This is mostly because of my innate inability to strategize.

48) I find politically incorrect humor HIGH-LARIOUS!

49) I think the 80s had the best music of any generation.

50) I’m aware the only people who would agree with me on that are also children of the 80s.

51) I eat soup for lunch almost every day.  Not the same kind of soup, though.  I’m not OCD about it. (said in a snarky voice)

52) My dog is cooler than your dog.

53) Braggarts irritate me more than just about everyone else.  No, #52 doesn’t count as bragging.  That’s just fact.

54) One-uppers are a close second.  Please see #53, sentences 2 & 3.

55) I hate everything about WalMart, but mostly the people.

56) I’m a road rager.

57) Sometimes this gets me in trouble.  I’ll probably end up with a violent death, started by an expletive-laden rant & middle finger extended out my window.

58) I have nearly died a horrific death by train twice.  Both times with the same person, though only once was alcohol involved.  Between #57 & #58, I am more sure than ever that my death will not be pretty.

59) When I was a kid, my parents would send all of us to live at an aunt’s house for the summer.

60) That aunt & uncle are my role models for marriage & parenthood.

61) It’s not a surprise we were sent away.  According to our genealogy, my family has been “farming children out” since 1856.

62) General George Armstrong Custer is my great-great-great-great-great uncle.

63) At one point, Kid1 had a history class with a descendant of Sitting Bull.

64) I could not possibly care less about what politicians do behind closed doors.

65) I also don’t give a damn about celebrities & don’t consider them to be newsworthy.

66) I am afraid of heights.

67) I have an aversion to water.

68) Because of those 2 things, I hate bridges.

69) I watch way too much tv.

70) I don’t believe in women’s rights or black rights or gay rights.  I believe in equal rights & that nothing else is acceptable.

71) I’m a fiercely loyal friend.

72) I don’t eat meat with bones in it.  Yes, I am aware that all meat had bones in it at one point.

73) My favorite childhood memory is “Eat a Pita.”  Someday, I might tell y’all what that means.

74) Patience is a virtue, but it’s not one of mine.

75) I say that because I am 3 days into this list & it’s frustrating me.

76) Right about now, I’m wishing I hadn’t caved in to peer pressure.

77) My kids think I’m a techno-tard, but I’m basically my department’s IT person.

78) I’m sure Kid1 finds that hysterical, seeing as how he IS an IT person & I am clearly not.

79) Right now, I have no pictures of my family on my desk.

80) I do have a pic of myself with my besties on my desk, though.

81) When my hair is long, I want it short.  When my hair is short, I want it long. My husband NEVER wants it short.

82) I look much better with long hair.

83) I am pretty sure that I am pregnant on at least one roll of film in my refrigerator.

84) My “baby” is 16.

85) My first concert was Duran Duran with Billy Ocean and Brenda Russell.

86) When Kid2 graduated, I was at commencement sporting a gigantic purple egg on my forehead.

87) The egg came from hitting my head on the sidewalk during our Throwdown at the Hoedown the day before.

88) My forehead still has a corner on it from that throwdown 2 years ago.

89) I still owe you a post on that.

90) Day 4.  I’m growing steadily weaker; concerned I may not see the end of this post.

91) I don’t trust whistlers, even the ones that just whistle songs.

92) My favorite car is a Porsche 914.

93) I’ve owned 3 of them, but only drove 1.

94) I think there is something wrong with the people who listen to ONLY Christmas music during the holidays.

95) Especially if they have it loud.  Some music has to be thumping to be appreciated.  “O Christmas Tree” is not one of those songs.  If it’s rattling MY windows, you & I are going to have a problem.  Mostly you.  See #56.

96) I really dislike Christmas music.  This has nothing to do with my religious beliefs.

97) I once read an entire newspaper article backward before realizing I did it.  I tend to read the headlines, then check the end of the article for the details.

98) A friend once told me that I’m just drawn to silliness.  I love that!

99) Day 6.  Please send reinforcements.

100) I am now convinced that the person who told me “Every blogger needs a 100 Things post” is a sadistic bitch.  Yeah.  You know who you are.

March 8, 2016 Posted by | Confession, Friends, Kids, Sleep | 8 Comments

Scattered

I need to invent a word.  Or, maybe it’s already been invented & I’m just not aware of it yet.  I’d google it, but I’m feeling a little lazy tonight.  So, I’ll just ask you…

Is there a version of peer pressure that pertains to your kids?

Apparently, I kind of checked out of my blog for a while.  I know this because tonight, as I was making dinner, Kid4 said “You haven’t posted in FOREVER.”

Really?  FOREVER??

Oh.  Right.  April 7… 23 days ago.  Yeah, that kind of qualifies as “forever.”

But you’re still not my peer, Kid4!

And THIS is what you get for pressuring me into a post…..

Where have I been for the past 3+ weeks?  Hell if I know.  No, seriously…. I could have been in hell.  I’m not quite sure.

It seems like I’ve been really busy.  I don’t have anything to show for it, though, which means it’s been a pretty unproductive brand o’ busy. So I guess I’ll give you a little run-down of the stuff that’s happened over the past month & hope it amounts to a post.  If not, this is going to be a post about nothing.  I should probably apologize for that now & just get it out of the way.

Also, if this doesn’t amount to a post,  Kid4 will get on my case again.  Apparently, I’M what she does in BioChem.

Today, I nearly hit a chicken.  No, this isn’t a euphemism or a veiled reference to my road rage.  I seriously almost hit a chicken!  I wasn’t even mad at the time.  I have no idea why a chicken was just randomly walking down a fairly busy road, but I will tell you that he OWNED it!  Cars were swerving & he was just walking all cool & chicken-y.  I tried to snap a picture, but all I got was a blurry little black dot, even though he was brown.  Guess you’ll just have to take my word for it.

I don’t have a Volkswagen anymore.  I sold mine last year, but I’m still a little jealous of anyone who IS driving one.  Except for the chick I was behind a few days ago.  She had a gray boa hanging from her rear view mirror & it looked like a dead cat.  Strangely, it almost matched the color of the car,  & now I can’t see a VW without thinking of the dead cat that wasn’t.

In my head, that totally made sense.

Okay… my Pandora Evanescence station just advertised “Underwear.  Learn about underwear” in a link at the bottom of the screen.  WTF?!  What does underwear have to do with Evanescence?  And WHO wants or needs to learn about underwear?  Is there really all that much to learn?  Curious.  Wonder what Evanescence thinks about that?  Are they even still together?  Is it me, or does Amy Lee look exactly like the chick who played Anne Boleyn on “The Tudors?”  Why isn’t the chick who played Anne Boleyn in more stuff?  Girl was AWESOME!

Earlier this week, while I was shopping at Goodwill, I got hit on by a chick.   I was carrying olive green polyester pants, which apparently make me irresistible.  Who knew!?

While I was standing behind her in the checkout line, her debit card got rejected.   Where do you have to be in your life to get your debit card rejected at Goodwill?  Isn’t that pretty much the lowest point you could reach?  On one hand, I kind of felt bad for her.  On the other… Well, here I am blogging about it.

Have you seen the movie “Stone?”  Don’t.  My eyeballs are permanently seared by Milla Jovovich’s 3 inch long nipples & sex scenes with her & Robert DeNiro.  Seriously, her boobies WERE the ugliest I’d ever seen!  Then I watched “Human Planet” the next day.  Milla didn’t hold the record long.

Speaking of body parts… At work, I got an order from someone named Dotty Hymen.  I know I’m basically a 12 year old boy inside a middle aged woman’s body… but holy fuck that cracked me up!!  And I was sick at the time, so it was a phlegmy, wheezy Muttley laugh, which made me laugh even harder, which made me cough up the other lung.  So it was kind of a win-loss thing.  But I still texted a bunch of people to tell them about it.  Seriously… DOTTY HYMEN?  I feel like I want to google that, but I’m kind of afraid of what I might find.

I should totally be sleeping right now.   This turned out to be a scattered, disjointed post about nothing & it had no flow.  Apologies… but I’m totally blaming Kid4 for pressuring  bullying me into it.

May 1, 2011 Posted by | Family, Friends, Kids, Sleep | 3 Comments

And This Is Why I Now Have A Notebook Under My Pillow

I’ve been on and off nearly every sleep med out there over the past few years.  But, the thing is, I really don’t like taking them. Basically, they kick my ass & I black out for 8 hours.  To an insomniac, that seems like a great thing!  (Trust me, most of the time I think it’s fantastic!)  But, here’s what I’ve come to realize…  Dreams and sleep deprivation, while seemingly opposites, are the basis for so much creativity!  And, I think it’s one of the reasons that I’ve struggled with writer’s block for so long.  So, as a sort-of  challenge to myself , I’ve stopped taking them.  The result?  I’m writing again, but not really sleeping much.  It’s a fair trade, for now.  But, that brings me to my point!

The other night, I had a fantastic dream!  I don’t remember anything about it, other than waking up thinking it was fantastic.  And, I knew that  if I could just remember two very specific words, it would all come back to me.  It was going to make a fabulously funny blog post!  A  while later, I went back to sleep… Only to wake up again.  I could remember the first word, but the second was a little fuzzy.  So…  I stayed up a bit longer, until the word popped into my head, then eventually went back to sleep.  Wake up AGAIN (welcome to my hell)… and the second word is… gone.  Just GONE.  I remembered that it had something to do with destruction, and that it MAY have had an “h” in it…but I couldn’t come up with it at all!  Next thing I knew, it was morning.  And I had no idea what that second word was…or what it had to do with my first word…

Macaroons.

MACAROONS and DESTRUCTION!!!  What the hell?!  I’m not even sure what macaroons are!  I mean, I think they’re cookies, but I’m not sure I’ve ever had one.  I do like the name, though.

And destruction?  I’m a middle-aged white woman!  I’m not exactly an anarchist.  (No offense to other middle-aged white women who ARE anarchists, though.  That’s cool.)  I guess, in a pinch, I could come up with a list of things I’d like to destroy.  In case you were wondering, that list would probably start with Sarah Palin, in a photo finish over Justin Bieber.

You’re also probably wondering right about now why, if those two words were SO important, I didn’t just write them down.  I’m a reasonably responsible, once-in-a-while blogger.   I carry a notebook in my purse.  I have them on my desks at work and at home.  See, I’ve been on sleep meds for so long, that I just never needed one by my bed.  There’s nothing to write down when you wake up from an 8-hour blackout!   I could be abducted by aliens after my house was the epicenter of a tornado, an earthquake, and a tsunami … and I wouldn’t be able to write about it.  That night, I wasn’t about to get out of my gigantic, warm, comfy bed to write words down on the other side of the house… When all I had to do was remember them!

Dammit.

January 22, 2011 Posted by | Sleep | 2 Comments

   

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