Bonesy's Blahg


So today I am one hot, hobbled mess.

I woke up with the best of intentions. My plan (like it is every morning) was to get up & ride the recumbent bike before work.

My alarm went off at 6 am and, while I admit there was a moment when I considered rolling back into the warmth that is my husband, I totally jumped right out of bed & started my day with a smile!

Ugh, who am I kidding?

I totally shut that bitch off & rolled back into the warmth for another 1/2 hour.

That may have been when things went awry.

Or, some sadistic fucker on his man period made a “me” voodoo doll & grabbed a giant pin.

Either way, when I finally did drag my ass out of bed, that first step was a bitch.

I know, because I yelled “BITCH!” right before I fell forward & smacked my forehead on the wall.

I’ve been fighting plantar fasciitis on my right foot for a while. Just when I think I’ve finally conquered it… it jumped to the left with a vengeance, just to prove who’s boss. (Hint… it’s not me.)

And I sleep on the left side of the bed, so that first step? Yep, it was the left. And that wall? Much closer to the bed than I realized.

So I hobbled my way through the morning routine (minus the bike), threw a little extra concealer on my forehead, grabbed an ice pack, then dug a dusty, mid-80s era, hand-me-down TENS unit out of the linen closet.

Why, you ask?

I told you, I had the best of intentions! I wanted to freeze and shock my foot back into submission so that I could go to churchersize tonight!

That’s right, churchersize. CHURCHERSIZE. The place where I go to get my sweat on once a week with my girl posse & a whole bunch of other, also sweaty people who are my sized, but have completely opposite religious beliefs, & then I dare god to smite me. So far, I have not yet been smited… though I have been cursed with the lesbian shuffle the next day.

(My legs won’t bend right & my arms are held at a weird angle to my body when I walk.)

And now? Now my day is mostly over & it looks like I will be smite-free once again!

No churchersize for me. Apparently, there just wasn’t enough freeze in my ice pack. There was enough buzz in my dusty old TENS unit, surprisingly enough. I mean, I don’t know what a “normal” setting is, but my eyebrows are smoking & I think I now have Tourette’s.

Just ask the guy at the Christian-owned restaurant down the street from my work. I made the office lunch run & he oh-so-kindly offered to help me carry it all to my car after seeing my pathetic limp. Cool Dumb as I am, I refused…then managed to hit my toe with the door, which threw me off balance, which caused me to knock my forehead on the edge of it as I stumbled out & yelled “FUCK! BITCH! GODDAMMIT!!” & stomped my good foot, completely forgetting that there was a short step down, dropping the massive amounts of food in my arms.

Sh!  Don’t tell the work peeps.  5 second rule!!


So, instead of eating my healthy lunch, then sweating it off this evening… I ate pebbly soul food, I’m sitting on the couch with my foot up watching an Alanis Morissette concert with my dog, & YOU get a blog post.  But hey, I MEANT well!


October 13, 2016 Posted by | Confession, Family, Friends, Health, Rant, Sleep, Work | , | Leave a comment

Unpinking My Wardrobe & My Wallet

I own exactly one pink shirt.  I bought it at the breast cancer walk a few years ago.

Mostly because I was the only person out of THOUSANDS that wasn’t wearing pink.  So there may have been a tad bit of peer pressure there.

But also because it says “Fight Like  A Girl.”

As a tomboy who grew up kicking the asses of neighborhood boys to defend my mouthy, ball-less little brothers, I kinda love that slogan.  By “kinda,” I totally mean I’d make out with it…if it weren’t a slogan & I weren’t married.

I love words, but I’m not a whore!

Tomorrow I will be dropping that shirt off at Goodwill in protest of the Susan G. Komen decision to withdraw grants to Planned Parenthood.

I will no longer be donating to their cause, nor raising money & racing for the cure… in protest of their asinine, politically charged farce of a decision.

For an organization that claims to be a proponent of women’s health to withdraw funding from another women’s health organization in favor of a right wing campaign to limit access to health care is beyond ridiculous.

And their changing stories about the why’s & how’s of it only serve as proof of the political bullying behind it.

Regardless of your stance on contraception or abortion, Planned Parenthood provides health care to women across the nation who can’t afford it otherwise.  And 97%  of the care they provide is screening and reproductive health.  But the far right like to keep that all swept neatly under the rug, while they picket & rant about abortion.

The Komen donations were earmarked to specifically provide screening for breast cancer.

So the message here is the Susan G. Komen foundation is all about breast health…just not for poor people?

I’m not an activist, nor am I pro-abortion.

But I have been a poor, uninsured woman in need of medical care…in a country that increasingly only offers care to those who can afford it.  And the screening and care I received at a clinic back then saved my life.

So this year, I will be donating a nice fat check to Planned Parenthood on the day of my local Race for the Cure.

And then I’ll turn my attention to other, less sexy cancer awareness & prevention charities.

Maybe I’ll even start a new trend!  Like a prostate cancer awareness day!!  We’ll all wear brown & carry giant buttholes on a stick.

I’ll be free on Race for the Cure day.

October 2, 2016 Posted by | Family, People, Rant | , , | 4 Comments

Rage In My Machine

Have I mentioned the fact that I’m a road rager?  ‘Cause I totally am.  And, I’m finally coming to realize that maybe it’s not such a good thing.  You see, I make bad choices.  That’s it.  That’s my confession.  I make bad choices, leading to very bad things, and very bad language, all directed at VERY BAD DRIVERS!!!

… Who may or may not be little old ladies.

… Or drivers ed kids.

Yeah, I’ve reamed both this week.

And, while both totally deserved it, I still felt a little twinge of guilt as I sped past them with my middle finger extended and a winning, expletive-laced tirade that would make Charlie Sheen AND his goddesses blush.

But just a little twinge.

It could have been the terror I saw in that little old lady’s face.

Or the fact that the teenage girl looked like she was just about ready to cry.

OR… the fact that my OWN 16 year old girl had a moving mishap of her own this past weekend.

While I was in the car.

Like most new drivers, she doesn’t like to park.    She can’t quite gauge the turning radius or width of my car just yet.  Despite this, I gently encouraged her to snag a just-opened spot close to the grocery store.

I mean, seriously, how often does THAT happen?  You have to take advantage of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, dammit!

Anyway, as she was turning into the spot, she mis-judged and went to back up a bit to try again.  As she did THAT…another car turned into the lane behind us AND the bastard in the gigantic truck next to that spot decided to back out.  It was a parking lot clusterfuck & she was right in the center of it all.

I screamed.

Not AT her, of course…It was more in an “OH MY GOD, WE’RE TOTALLY GONNA DIE!” way.

But without words.

So, it was really more of a high pitched “AAAAH!”


My point to this is… Double standard much?

(For the record, nothing happened.  No collisions, no bumping.  She’d probably want me to point that out.)

Also, I recently had a near throw-down over a traffic incident.  I laid into a guy so hard, he threw his car into park, opened his door & charged me.  I’m pretty sure the only reason I’m sitting here today, typing, is the fact that his oh-so-sensible wife convinced his hard-charging ass to get back in the car… Clearly, beating the crap out of an overweight,  middle-aged woman in the busiest shopping area in town was not in his best interests.  Y’know, thanks to the witnesses and parking lot cameras.

But me?  I had totally thrown open my own car door & was ready to go at it.  Um, WTF?!   Apparently, that’s just how pissed I get when people cut me off.  I’m willing to throw down with a guy twice my size & half my age in a parking lot, regardless of the presence of witnesses and lot cams.

It may be time for a little yoga or anger management.

June 7, 2016 Posted by | Confession, Kids, Rant | 4 Comments

Dreaming…of more than jelly & peanuts.

Over the weekend, I sent out a kick-ass resume & cover letter to what could possibly be my dream job.

By “dream job,” I really just mean one with a fresh set of surroundings that lets me out of the office once in a while.  And pays a little more than what I currently make, while at least matching the bennies & vacation time.

What?  I told you it was a dream job.

Actually, I’ve sent out several resumes over the past couple of weeks.  But this time?  I actually want the job, not just to escape from my current one.

I won’t tell you what the wanted job is just yet, but that letter would have been received today.

In my head, I totally pictured them opening it up, awed by my expensive stationery & wordsmithing…and immediately calling me up, demanding I come in right away for an interview.

Of course, they’d then offer me the job.

I’d play coy & not jump at it, negotiating my way to a higher salary or better perks.

In the end, I’d accept & we’d all live happily ever after… with me finally in a position that offers a little more creativity and a little less “chained to my desk, looking at the same faces every goddamn day.”

In reality, though?  The job market sucks & people way more talented, qualified, educated, & desperate than I are also looking for work.

As I pore over the listings, I’ve found a disturbing trend.   Because there is nothing like a job search to open your eyes to what the economy is really like!

The jobs that I’m more than qualified for… are now requiring college degrees.   And pay hourly rates in the SINGLE DIGITS!

A couple weeks ago, I found a post looking for people to work in the complaint department at a jelly factory.  You could possibly work your way up to customer service, but had to have a Bachelor’s Degree to start.

(First of all, who the fuck complains about jelly?!)

A job I saw today required an Associates Degree, but started at $9/hr.  Oh, but they’ll give you $11/hr if you have that degree and at least 2 years’ experience in the field!

I don’t care where you live, $9/hr is NOT a living wage!  But there are so many really desperate people out there that that company will find someone to take it…despite the degree that they invested so much money and time into.  So they’re willing to work for peanuts just to keep food on the table & their names off the welfare rolls.

In a lot of ways, I’m glad I didn’t go to college.

– Not going introduced me to my husband, leading to 4 great kids (who are all going or have gone to college & will hopefully never have to listen to old ladies bitch about  jelly!).

– I don’t have student loans to repay (while trying to find work at jobs that start at $9 AN HOUR!)

But honestly, I really just have never figured out what I wanted to be when I grow up.   I assumed I would eventually stumble upon something that I loved.  That hasn’t happened, and I envy the people who can honestly say they love what they do.

So, I’ll keep looking to find the love.  But I’m still waiting for that phone call, dream job!

January 31, 2012 Posted by | Family, Friends, Kids, People, Rant, Work | | 2 Comments

The Big Guy is my Homeboy

Dudes, I have GREAT NEWS!!!

I’m so excited, but had to wait ALL DAY before I could share with you!!  (See, I have a little thing called a “JOB”  & they don’t exactly pay me to write.   They should, but they don’t.)  ANYWAY…

Remember a while back, I told you that when Maury Povich called, I was taking y’all with me?  (No?  Click here.)  Okay.. so we didn’t exactly score that all-expense-paid trip to NYC…Yet.

But this is EVEN BETTER than traveling with my posse to be filmed on Maury as a professional dirty girl!!  (Maybe…  I do like the “Professional Dirty Girl” title.)

Apparently, I have the ear of The Big Guy!

Not Maury.

No, not God.   I already told you, I don’t believe in him.

No… It’s THE PRESIDENT!!!  Of the United States.  As in Barack Obama!  And, not just a Bobblehead Barack either.  The real deal!  (You can keep your comments on whether or not the real deal Barack can also be counted as Bobblehead Barack to yourself.)

See, just a few days ago, I posted this rant about anti-gay discrimination.

And, what do I find on the news sites today?   THIS!!


Apparently, Obama is a Bonesy fan!  Who knew?!

Basically, this means the president listens to me WAY better than my husband or kids do.  I’d better get to work on that.  I mean, I am technically second in command now.  It’s practically treason to disobey me at this point, FAMILY!

Also, Joe Biden, you can just get your ass in line right behind me.  You kinda remind me of Smiling Bob from the Enzyte commercials, so it’s a little tough to take you seriously.

So here’s the thing… We totally need to take advantage of this news!  Now that we know Obama listens to me, we can give him a big ol’ list of stuff we need him to fix before he gets rousted from office!  I mean, seriously, he’s on limited time here.  Whether you like him or not, you have to admit there is no way he is getting a second term.  And, when Barack’s out of office, so am I!   I’m a bit of a slacker.  So, as cool as it sounds, “Leader of the Free World” is NOT something I want to put on my resume.  That’s just too much damn responsibility & I am not down with all that.  Also, business suits & a bob are not exactly my style.

So, I’ll just stick to my customer service gig for now, thank you very much.  And blogging, of course.  It doesn’t pay, but I’m wielding some serious power these days!

February 23, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Rant, Work | 8 Comments

My Big Fat Gay Homecoming

Typically, I try to keep things light here at the blahg.  (Last post notwithstanding.) And, this may end up being a lighthearted post, as well.  I’m not really sure where I’m going with it yet.  I might get all preachy on you… or just make you laugh & roll your eyes.  I might even make you angry.  I’m good with that.  I’m angry, too.  This is kind of a hot button issue, so there are bound to be a bunch of different reactions.  Regardless of how you feel about it, no mean-assed comments are allowed!  I’m okay with whatever your stance is on this subject, but no threats or hatred is allowed in my comments section.  It’s my blahg & I make the rules.  Sure, I make them up as I go along, but whatever!  It’s still MY blahg!

When did bigotry and discrimination become socially acceptable again? 

How did we allow this to happen?

The news lately has been filled with examples of bigotry wrapping itself in the flag of Christianity.  And, some of the most ridiculous comments are coming out of that! 

Robert Broadus, head of the group Protect Marriage Maryland, spoke out against the gay-marriage legislation currently before Maryland’s legislature,  “If you pass this bill, you will set the groundwork, that one day when artificial intelligence is that advanced, we will be considering whether or not people can marry their androids. … If you say that any two people who love each other can get married, then you set that precedent,” said Broadus.

Um, excuse me?! WTF are you talking about, Broadus?  OF COURSE any two people who love each other should be able to marry!  Who are YOU to tell ANYONE that their brand of love is unacceptable?

He goes on… “I’ve known plenty of gay people. I’ve hung out with gay people. I’ve been hit on by gay people,” Broadus said in a YouTube clip. “I don’t turn around and punch them. In school, if I saw the gay kid getting picked on, I stood up for the gay kid and tried to stop it.”

“The problem,” he explained, “is that they have gained so much power at this point in time.”

Hmm… Smells suspiciously like DISCRIMINATION!  I wonder how Mr. Broadus would feel if these same things were being said about African-Americans?   Go ahead & take another look at his comments.  Substitute the word “black” for every mention of “gay” or “they.”   Now try to tell me that his comments aren’t bigotry.   Discrimination is NEVER acceptable, regardless of the flavor.

Last week, I read an article about a teen same sex couple in Minneapolis.  The girls were both nominated by their peers to the school’s homecoming court (or a similar royalty-type event).  When the district found out they were planning to walk in together, as a couple… an 11th hour policy change was enacted.  School officials decided that the court members would no longer be allowed to enter the gym as couples, despite the tradition of doing so.  Now they could either walk in individually, or be accompanied by a parent or favorite teacher.  The district claimed this was to prevent the girls from being teased.  I call BULLSHIT!  This prudish, close-minded decision just reeks of.. What?  Say it with me… DISCRIMINATION!

Side note – like I said, I don’t know any of the people involved.  But I bet that the guy who made this decision secretly wears lacy pink undies and fishnets.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The girls at the heart of this matter have not made an effort to hide their sexuality.  They are an “out” lesbian couple, who were merely looking to be afforded the same opportunity as their heterosexual classmates.  Why would they have been “teased?”   Their classmates already KNEW the girls sexual orientation.  And, they apparently didn’t care, seeing as how they NOMINATED the girls to the homecoming court!   Unfortunately, however, this young couple had to sue the school district for the basic right to appear as a couple.  SUE.THE.SCHOOL.DISTRICT!  When was the last time a hetero couple had to sue for the right to attend a school event as a couple?  Yeah, never.

I am both disgusted and amazed that this type of discrimination is still going on in our country.  Discrimination is NEVER okay, regardless of the subject!

 When you add in the fact that these girls were being discriminated against by their own school district, this makes the situation so much worse.  By making this mandate, Anoka-Hennepin school district is not only encouraging discrimination, but also teaching it.

Also noted in the article was the fact that this district has lost six students to suicide since the beginning of the 2009-10 school year.  Some of those deaths have been linked to the bullying of gays.  My question is, WHO did the bullying in those cases?  Was it the students, who nominated this couple, then gave them a standing ovation as they walked into the gym after winning their court fight?  OR, was it the district, who apparently believes that discrimination against same sex couples is okay?  My money is on the district.

The students of Champlin Park High School are to be commended.  Despite residing in such a hate-filled district, they are progressive-minded enough to vote this couple into their homecoming court… THEN give them a standing ovation.

Sorry for such a long rant.

In the words of Joan Rivers… “Do what you want.  I got my own problems.”

February 14, 2011 Posted by | Friends, Kids, Rant | 6 Comments

5 Random Things That Passed Through My Head Today…

1) Vicodin should come with a hard candy shell.  I just love it so much!  I think it should taste like Skittles.  Instead, it has to win the prize for Worst Tasting Drug on the Market.  If there were such a contest.  Bastards.

2) Every time I think I have a handle on things, someone takes that handle & shoves it right up my ass.  I’m like a bitch on a stick!

3) Encouraging discrimination of any sort should be considered a crime.  I’m speaking to you, state of Iowa and Anoka-Hennepin, MN school officials. Stay out of  bedrooms and work to make life BETTER for the people in your districts. (More on this in a post I hope to have up very soon.)

4) People who speak out the loudest  or attempt to change the rules and/or laws regarding  homosexual couples are more than likely closet cross-dressers.  (See #3,  specifically the state of Iowa and Anoka-Hennepin, MN school district) Also, they’re assholes.  I’m okay with the cross dressing part.  The assholes?  Not so much.

5)  GAH!  (Yes, that is a complete thought.)

February 4, 2011 Posted by | Advice, Friday 5, Rant | 2 Comments


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