Bonesy's Blahg

5 Random Things That Passed Through My Head Today…

1) Vicodin should come with a hard candy shell.  I just love it so much!  I think it should taste like Skittles.  Instead, it has to win the prize for Worst Tasting Drug on the Market.  If there were such a contest.  Bastards.

2) Every time I think I have a handle on things, someone takes that handle & shoves it right up my ass.  I’m like a bitch on a stick!

3) Encouraging discrimination of any sort should be considered a crime.  I’m speaking to you, state of Iowa and Anoka-Hennepin, MN school officials. Stay out of  bedrooms and work to make life BETTER for the people in your districts. (More on this in a post I hope to have up very soon.)

4) People who speak out the loudest  or attempt to change the rules and/or laws regarding  homosexual couples are more than likely closet cross-dressers.  (See #3,  specifically the state of Iowa and Anoka-Hennepin, MN school district) Also, they’re assholes.  I’m okay with the cross dressing part.  The assholes?  Not so much.

5)  GAH!  (Yes, that is a complete thought.)

February 4, 2011 Posted by | Advice, Friday 5, Rant | 2 Comments

5 Mean Things I’ve Done On The Job

I admit, I’m not always the nicest person.  At times, I can be downright mean.  Sometimes it’s out of spite, but most of the time it’s just for fun & orneriness.  I won’t tell you which category these fall under, but here’s my list of 5 mean things I’ve done while on the job.  (I’m sure you can figure out where these fall all on your own.)

1) My first job was as a popcorn bitch at a local movie theater.  It was owned by a guy who was arrogant, famously cheap, & generally just an ass.  One day he came in to see a movie & gave very specific instructions as to how to butter his popcorn, then headed for the bathroom as I was supposed to fill his order.  So, I filled the bucket 1/4 of the way, then took a few kernels & rubbed them on the greasy, filthy, hadn’t-been-mopped-in-a-week,  floor.  Another 1/4, a few more dirty kernels, etc.  (Don’t judge.  You would have done it, too.  Be honest with yourself.) After the movie, he did come out & compliment us on a great batch of popcorn.

2) I used to work for a mail order company.  We would get some of the strangest things returned to us, many of which we didn’t even sell.   One of those packages contained a stun gun.  They were a fairly new item on the market, so not many people had seen one at that point.  We were playing with it in the office & I told one guy that I didn’t understand why anyone would want one, since they don’t really give much of a shock.  Then I convinced him to put his finger between the prongs & push the button.  He got a HUGE shock!  He had a shortish afro, which straightened in the front…and his eyebrows kinda smoked.  He was SO mad at me, but I couldn’t quit laughing.  Actually, I’m STILL laughing at this, almost 15 years later.

3) Another office I worked in had a notorious gossip.  If you had a secret, you DEFINITELY would not want this person to know about it.  So, I decided to test the waters one day.  I started the rumor that someone (a “lifer” who had worked there forever) had turned in a 2 week notice, but didn’t want anyone to know, then swore him to secrecy. I just wanted to see how fast the news would get out.  It went viral!  Coast to coast within 2 hours!!  Everyone from fellow employees to customers were calling me to ask if it were true.

4) In yet another office (hey, I’ve changed jobs a lot!), my boss was a total slob.  She was very friendly, just one of those people who are ridiculously messy.  She also ate at her desk.  A lot.  So, she seemed to always have crumbs on her chest or in her hair.  Just painting a picture.  ANYWAY… One day, she was wearing a pair of cream colored pants & eating a candy bar.  She got up & walked out of the room for a minute.  I took what was left of the candy bar & rubbed it all over the warm seat of her brown pleather chair , then put it back on her desk.  So, when she came back in & sat down…she got melted chocolate all over her cream-colored ass.  AND… nobody told her 🙂  She never did mention it to us.

5) This is probably my favorite, even though it totally backfired.  At  ANOTHER office (catching the theme here?), we got a new girl in the department.  She was young (closer to my age than the others) & seemed cool, but was super secretive!  She didn’t want to talk about her personal life at all, which made getting to know her a little difficult.  So, a friend & I got to brainstorming, trying to figure out just what her secret is.  There MAY have been alcohol involved when we came to this conclusion… but, we thought she was probably gay.  So, in an effort to make her feel more comfortable with us, we came up with a story.  We took her to lunch one day & got into a conversation about sexual preferences.   I “confessed” that, during my college years, I slept with women.   The problem is, she didn’t confess anything!  And, not long after that, we came to the mutual conclusion (I assume) that we really didn’t like each other much.  But, she did like someone in another department…who also didn’t like me much.  Next thing I knew, I was “outed” as the office lesbian.  Despite the fact that I’m married & have 4 kids.  Also, we did eventually find out her secret…She’s not gay.

January 14, 2011 Posted by | Confession, Friday 5, Work | 6 Comments

5 Things I Need To Do Before I Take Over The World

This one is courtesy of Kid4.  I asked for some suggestions for my Friday 5 & this is one of the MANY she came up with.  Good thing she’s the new admin on my FB fan page (The Suminski Mom).  I’ve kinda had to team up with her lately.  Also, the other kid admin is apparently kind of a slacker.  He was letting that page just wither away.  Wait, maybe she is too.  I haven’t looked at it in a while.  Note to self:  After finishing this post, check the fan page.  If no recent updates, fire kid admin & anoint a new one.  Sure, I’m not the one who started it… but I’m about to be Ruler of the World.  I’m calling eminent domain, goddammit!

Anyway, taking over the world is kind of a daunting task.  Try to make your own list, you’ll see what I mean!  You really have to think about a lot of stuff.  That kinda goes against my “least possible effort” grain.  But here goes:

1) Learn to like people more. Seriously, if I take over the world, everybody would belong to me.  I don’t even like most people!  Therefore, we may have to thin the herd a bit.  Don’t get all indignant with me, this isn’t holocaust-y at all!  I won’t be specifying any particular race or religion or demographic of any kind.  Other than the stupid.  Those bitches got to go!

2) Grow the Bonesy Team (& not through breeding). Running the world is a lot of work, y’all.  I’m really kinda lazy.  I’d need a gigantic team of minions to do the work for me.  Right now, I only have one minion & a bunch of semi-grown children.  (Someday, maybe I’ll get them all in one place to get a group pic for you.) Only one of these Bonesy Team members lives with me.  Also, none of them actually DO anything for me.  Bonesy Team, this has got to change!  Time to start serving me, dammit!  I don’t pay you to sit around & read my blog or facebook posts.  I have a world to take over!!

3) Let go of some stuff & delegate. Once I get my team of minions in place, I’m going to have to delegate.  I’m just not very good at that.  Most of the time, I’d rather just do it myself rather than explain how it needs done.  That way I know it’s done right!  Y’know, MY way.  Other people just don’t know how to do things.

4) Learn math. Dudes, I had to take Consumer Math my senior year just to graduate.  It was the special ed kids, the stoners…and me.  I’d like to tell you I’m kidding.  I’m not.

If you were in my senior math class, no offense intended… But you know you were either a special ed kid or a stoner.  Be honest with yourself, man!

I’ll need some math skills to make sure I keep my new kingdom at a certain number.  Right now, I don’t know that number because I can’t exactly count that high.

5) Put a new picture of me on the blahg. This one is kinda self-explanatory.  My cowgirl pic just isn’t very overlord-y.

November 12, 2010 Posted by | Friday 5, Friends, Kids, Work | 2 Comments

5 “Normals” I Despise

I don’t really consider myself a picky eater.  (My husband may disagree!) I do, however, have an unnatural hatred of foods that most people consider normal.  Because I’m fresh out of ideas today, here’s my list of 5 “normal” foods that I can’t stand:

1) Strawberries – Gah!  I’m sorry, but this tops my list of nasty.  I can’t stand them, and feel like strawberries taint whatever they come into contact with.  As a matter of fact, I’d sooner eat the crusty taint of a homeless man than anything tainted by strawberries.   You just try & wrap your mind around that for a minute.  You’re welcome.

2) Kiwi – Dudes, they’re HAIRY!  It’s hairy fruit!! That is just so wrong, on so many levels.  My husband & son will pop an entire kiwi into their mouths, hair & all.  I’m not sure what that says about them, but it’s not good.  Not good at all.

3) Coconut – Again with the hairy fruit!  Wait, is coconut a fruit or a vegetable?  I’m not sure, but I think between my #s 2 & 3 I’d better never get stranded on an island.  Well, that & the fact that I don’t like water.

4) Brussels Sprouts – Juicy balls.  That is all.

5) Eggs – I’d like to know who the first person was that watched an egg pop out of a chicken’s ass & thought “Mmm, that sure looks tasty!”  Also, why is it okay to eat a chicken egg… but not any other eggs?

November 5, 2010 Posted by | Confession, Friday 5 | 1 Comment

Things In My Text Box

– Bitch
– You are a bitch!
– God, you’re a bitch!
– Have I told you lately you’re a bitch?
– You are a bitch! Hahaha Now I need a nap.
– OMG!! You captured their souls! You JAMMERN!!
– I HATE YOU!! haha
– Haha Thanks Mom
– You know I love ya, right Mommy?
– If I had a flower for every time I thought of my mother, I could walk in my garden forever 😀
– You mentally tortured us for punishment.
– Did you see the nice thing I said while you were clearing your texts?
– I’ve discovered that grandma’s finger was roughly the size of one of my toes.
– He needs a cheaper hobby. Like hookers or blow.
– My underwear are falling down.
– It’s like my pants don’t want anything between my ass & them!
– Where were you shopping, Sistas R Us?
– Awww pretty (name deleted) in her lab coat!
– (name deleted) All beige, all the time.
– You would look so purr-ty!
– @ Subway in capri pajama pants & no bra
– Well you flaunt those puppies then like she did. Short skirt or too tight corduroys?
– Very weird chick! At least no I Love Lucy dress & heels today.
– Went shopping yesterday & came home w these shirts. Just realized I’m going to dress like an Easter egg all winter!
– Nope, (name deleted) took the pic. Baby in a sombrero!
– She got her hair cut again over the w/e & now it looks like those cheap wigs in the back of women’s mags.
– This is actually a good thing. People w mullets are like midgets. You can’t help but to look @ them & smile.
– Anyway…it’s a mullet, but also strangely tall on top.
– Also, (name deleted) is a humpback.
– I made a meat penis!
– Strangely like fajita…but then I’ve never actually tasted pig penis.
– He needs to find one of those chicks that have a fetish for fat men…take care of his fungus problem. Did you cook your meat penis last night?
– Dammit! Missed opportunity. It shrank when I cooked it & didn’t look so penis-y anymore.
– Holla! Think she’ll pick the meat off the bones for me again?
– No, that would be cruel.
– I would’ve gotten dirty if I would’ve touched her…She’s rather nasty, my friend. I believe she could use a soak.
– Drunk homeless people hanging out behind the covered parking under my building.
– Stinky feet?
– I don’t know. Do you smell like BenGay? Maybe you’re like catnip to old men & they just can’t resist your scent.
– Geeks love fish…and girls who smell like fish.
– Are you trying to tell me you have gas?
– It’s my flat wide butt.
– Does your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard?
– Yeah. Unfortunately, they are not welcome to the yard.
– A guy with one arm is mowing the lawn!
– Our lawn? We don’t even know a one-armed man!
– Ha ha! I feel like a secret spy on a mission…only it doesn’t involve attacking anyone or no one has to die in the end…awesome!
– She’s a REPUBLICAN??? And a PALIN fan?! Are you just fucking with me?
– A Republican I can handle. I don’t understand, but whatev. A Palin fan is just unforgivable.
– Hmm I knew there was a reason. U were lonely and inflicted damage on yourself for sympathy.
– That’s funny. Strippers do that too.
– Tx for the visual silly girl. I just got home wrk in my dominatrix.
– WHAT?? Dominatrix homework?
– (silence)
– Maybe you just aren’t any good at it.
– Yes please – but forgive me if I decline to worship with you –I might end up body snatched too!
– Hmm valid concern – so you may have been body snatched – next you’ll be training to become a minister.
– @ church this early after a wild older person party?! Crazy! I’m always late.
– Can’t believe how many mothers w kids @ Walmart reek of alch!
– I’m doing a hungover titty walk. So fun though!
– Nice. Nothing like a sprinting crackhead.
– Orrville as in popcorn? I don’t know what a bong is!
– Called (name deleted) lady said they have pipes after I asked about bongs and she said they start at a little less than 20.
– You’re welcome. It’s your future I’m looking out for.
– Nobody ever died from that. Except that one guy.
– Unless I go in for a broken leg and they break my arm to take my mind off the pain in my leg.
– That’s because he can’t REACH them!
– I am a crazy for sure…they should probably put me to sleep.
– No but close. I do have odd moments every now n then.
– Eating a hotdog while on a bun with a fork and knife. This girl is crazy cakes to the fullest.
– Well I got laid off. Lack of work… I guess coloring & paperclip trains didn’t look like work.
– Working. Kinda. Mostly I’m fucking off. What about you?
– Athletic Business. Not sure what orgasmic women have to do with athletic business, though.
– Yes, didn’t you get my text about the condom club sticky note making us laugh?
– I seen that… It’s kind of interestingly dumb.
– Why did that sound like Rob Schneider in my head?
– You realize you TOLD a secret, just minus the name, right?
– To be clear, just who are we keeping our secret from?
– Nah, you love me. I’m a good secret keeper!
– Back door?
– Hahaha I couldn’t figure out what the brown was!
– And the water cleared up pretty well. Probably was from the stress reliever & the amt of poop in that bag.
– My BIFF is adding you on facebook! You should accept her cordial invitation to her friendship!
– I have graciously accepted her cordial offer of friendship in an effort to bring peace to our lands. Also, I’m stoned.
– Yay! Happy Stoning!

October 31, 2010 Posted by | Confession, Friday 5, Friends, Kids, Textersations, Work | 2 Comments

5 Reasons Why My Kids Will One Day Need Therapy

I admit it.  I am guilty of SOMETIMES saying outlandish things for the sport of making my kids believe me.  Seriously, why have kids if you can’t test the limits of their gullible nature?  Here are 5 things I’ve told my kids over the years, in no particular order:

1) I have a midget circus in my cubicle. Honestly, I’m not sure where this one even came from.  But the midgets have WAY more fun than I do!

2) Your daddy was a black man. Have you seen my kids?!  Clearly, Daddy was not black.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

3) I have eyes in the back of my head. I used this one a lot when they were little & cutting up in the back of the minivan.  I had to be careful not to fall asleep watching tv.  There were a couple occasions where I woke up to a kid sneakily parting my hair.

4) Keep touching that thing, and I WILL cut it off. No explanation needed.

5) Ok, this one was not an intentional outlandish thing… but it is true.  Also, it’s kind of a confession…

I once hijacked my daughter’s facebook message thread with her friends one night.  I had taken Ambien & was SO incredibly stoned when I posted “(name deleted), I’m really stoned.Right now”  (bad grammar/punctuation & all)  Her message thread was about missing her Bryn Mawr friends & singing their freshman class song.  I did post a quasi-apology to her, though.  In my apology, I called her a heartless bitch for not being touched that I was wanting to share with her.

October 29, 2010 Posted by | Confession, Friday 5, Kids | 4 Comments

5 Items on my Bucket List

Before last week, I had never given any thought to a bucket list.  I saw the movie, it just never occurred to me to make a list of my own.  Thanks to inspiration from Tex and my friend Dawn and her friend Carol, these are the first 5 entries to my bucket list.  Okay, so they’re the only 5,  it’s now Friday,  & I’m just coming up with them.  What can I say?  I’m a slacker. Don’t judge!

1) Visit Europe & attempt to trace my roots.  No, I’m not a genealogist. (See slacker comment above.)  I just think it’d be cool to visit the lands of my ancestors & attempt to hook up with some unknown relatives.  That might be a little Pollyanna of me, though.  I try not to associate with most of my relatives & they live nearby!  So maybe before attempting to meet any of the unknown relatives, I’ll stalk them for a bit to try to get a first impression before the actual meeting.  Wait…my stalking might give THEM a bad impression of ME.  Clearly, I didn’t think this through yet.  Hopefully by the time I need to put this bucket list to use, I’ll have a better plan.  One that doesn’t involve ski masks or peeking in windows.  Also, one I won’t get arrested for. I hear those foreign prisons are a bitch (Thanks, Lifetime Movies!)

2) One more all-girl whitewater rafting trip.  I went with a group of friends several (truth be told, it’s more like MANY) years ago & we had a blast.  Well, except for this moment:

In case you're not sure, I'm the one in blue with the death grimace.

And except for the few moments after I was tossed into the river & pinned to a boulder by the raft, fighting to keep my head above water as my friends struggled to drag my fat ass back in.   Note to self: Next time, bring stronger friends.

3) Take my kids on one more big, kitschy family vacation before everyone scatters for good.  Yes, I know how insane this sounds.  But my kids are actually pretty cool. Y’know, for kids.  Also, they range in age from 16 – 21.  So guilt tripping them into posing in stocks (or pillories, we’re not quite sure what the difference is)

 

or in front of the World’s Largest Rubber Band Ball (Sorry, this hasn’t actually happened yet, so no picture.)is kinda fun!

(Also, a shout-out to the friends who helped me figure out what the stocks or pillories were called. You saved me from a fatal head implosion.)

4) Publish something.  Anything.  Yes, I am aware I’d actually have to write something meaningful first.  (You’re kinda mean today, by the way.)

5) Find a certain someone that I was horribly mean to in high school and give her a way-overdue apology.  I’m not sure she’s even aware that I was the person terrorizing her in front of her house.  But I feel a little guilty about that, too.  I was her friend by day, terrorist by night. Okay, so I feel more than “a little” guilty.  I should probably just get to work on this one right away.

Now I want to hear from you.  What are the first 5 things you’d add to a bucket list?  Leave a comment & let us all know.

October 22, 2010 Posted by | Friday 5, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

5 Real Life Characters I’ve Met Along The Way

1) Rose with the Long Toes.  Seriously, that’s what we called her.  Rose was my mom’s Avon lady back in the 70s/early 80s & she wore open-toed sandals all year long.  I’m pretty sure Rose couldn’t wear shoes.  No, for real!  Her toes were so long they looked like fingers & they hung over the edge of her sandals.  I don’t think she was really sports inclined, but I bet she could throw a baseball with those toes.  That’s how long they were!  To this day I still look at people’s feet in sandals, mentally measuring them up to Rose’s creepy finger toes.  I just can’t help myself.

2) Wee-ha.  This was another of my mom’s friends.  (I don’t know, maybe she was attracted to oddities.)  Her name was really Juanita, but she had a horrible speech impediment, so she couldn’t pronounce it.   I’m not making fun of people with speech defects (at least right now).   I didn’t make up the name.  She called herself Wee-ha!  I can’t tell you one thing about Wee-ha’s looks, but I will hear that voice, saying that name, till the day I die.

3) Man who carried his own hair at the Rock Hall.  Seriously. My husband & I went to the Rock & Roll HOF in Cleveland to watch the induction ceremony earlier this year.  As I’m checking out the Janis Joplin display, a guy comes up & stands beside me.  I looked over & it took me a second for my brain to wrap around this…but he was holding his own hair.  Under his arm.  Like a football.  He was about 60-ish, with one gigantic, dirty blonde/gray, flat dreadlock…that he had to carry around with him to keep it from dragging on the floor!  Dudes, I can’t make this stuff up.  I tried SO HARD to get a pic, but he moved a lot, so they were all blurry.   Also, he was kind of running… probably because I was kind of stalking him.  But that was a once in a lifetime opportunity!!  You tell me when I’m ever going to find another man who has to carry his own hair.

4) Homeless Cat Man.  I was taking my kids to school one morning & we passed the local homeless guy.  He was on the right side of the street, heading toward the park.  I dropped them off and was headed home, when I passed Homeless Guy on the other side of the street.  Carrying a dead rigor mortis cat by the tail.  Yeah.  Feet sticking straight out, full rigor mortis cat.  Dude had crossed the street to pick up a dead cat & I can only assume cook it up for breakfast.  No dumpster diving for Homeless Man that morning!  He probably got all excited at the chance to have “fresh” meat & not somebody’s half eaten trash can leftovers from the park.  It didn’t kill him, though.  Homeless Cat Man is still roaming the streets of my town.

5) Tex. I saved my favorite for last.  I met Tex at the Detroit HoeDown a couple of years ago (which has a story all it’s own, but I’ll save that for another post).  He was roaming the crowd, checking out the ladies, & dancing with anyone who would let him.  He didn’t care who was watching, or that it was about 80 degrees & he was wearing all black and LEATHER CHAPS!  We stopped him to ask for a picture & he happily posed with us for as many shots as we needed.  The next night, we ran into him again & this time struck up a conversation.  Tex pulled back his cowboy shirt & showed me the ports in his chest for his chemotherapy.  He then said this would be his last HoeDown & he was hoping to meet as many people as he could, to create as many memories as he could.  I scribbled his address on a scrap of newspaper I found & mailed copies of the pictures to him when I got home, with a note.  I won’t tell you what I wrote.  I will say that, every time I hear the song “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw, I think of Tex.

Detroit HoeDown

October 15, 2010 Posted by | Friday 5 | 5 Comments

5 People…

5 “Celebrities” I’d Like To Punch In The Face:

(in no particular order)

1) Sarah Palin – With this message: “Just shut the hell up and go away!  You’re an embarrasment to women everywhere!”  Though she’s not that bright, so probably not a speed reader.  Meaning she won’t get a chance to actually read my knuckles before impact.  Maybe I need to re-think this one.

2) Justin Bieber – Holy hell, how I hate that boy!  If I were to actually get a punch in, I’d write it in ebonics… just to prove what a fake he is.

From his Wikipedia page: “After signing Bieber, Usher appointed one of his former assistants, Ryan Good, to be Bieber’s road manager and stylist. Good, once nicknamed Bieber’s “swagger coach”, created a “streetwise look” for the singer which consisted of baseball caps, hoodies, dog chains and flashy sneakers. Amy Kaufman of The Los Angeles Times comments, “Though a product of a middle-class suburban upbringing in Stratford, Ontario, Bieber’s manner of dress and speech (“Wassup man, how you doin’?” or “It’s like, you know, whateva’ “) suggest he’s mimicking his favorite rappers.”

SWAGGER COACH!  I rest my case.

3) Ryan Good – See above.

Okay, that was kind of a cheat.

3) (For real this time) All of the people on Jersey Shore.  Yes, all of them.  And they only count as one celebrity, because they don’t have any talent any damn way.  I am a little concerned that after I punch them, my fist will look like an oompa loompa.  Does creepy orange self-tanner rub off?

4) Miley Cyrus – Seriously, a POLE DANCE at the Kid’s Choice Awards?  Also, I submit this picture for your review.

Outfit by?  You guessed it…Miley Cyrus.  If I were to get my chance to punch Miley, I’d have a crumpled print of this picture in my hand & shove it down her throat.

Also, if you know this boy… Tell him Mama’s SO PROUD of how he’s conducting himself at college!

5) LeBron James – That masturbatory “The Decision” special on TV was a slap in the face to fans of the game.  I’m okay with the decision he made, just not “The Decision.”  …  In the spirit of full disclosure, I am a Cavs fan.  And that gives me license to speak for all Cleveland sports fans.  So here’s the brutal truth… We didn’t know how to process all those wins anyway.

And now it’s your turn.  Leave a comment listing the 5 “Celebrities” You’d Like To Punch In The Face & why.

September 30, 2010 Posted by | Friday 5 | 5 Comments

   

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