Bonesy's Blahg

The one where I describe what it’s like to be me.

I got a new boss today. I have a sneaking suspicion that she tastes like bananas.  I didn’t lick her.  There are laws.

BUT, I felt like I could smell bananas all day! It’s a curious thing, seeing as how I actually can’t smell.

Instead, I can taste the air around things.  Sometimes.  Today was one of those times & I’ll be damned if that air didn’t taste like an overripe banana!

Not that my new boss is overripe.  I’m pretty sure she just graduated.  It’s a toss-up as to whether it was college or high school.  Either way, I’m pretty sure I’m old enough to have changed her diapers.

When she was a baby.  Not now.  That’s just weird.

ANYWAY…you know how, when people lose one sense, their other senses are heightened?

It’s a myth.

At least for me.

I can’t speak for blind people.

I can speak for mutes, however.  They usually like it, as long as they don’t know what I’m talking about.

Typically, not being able to smell isn’t a bad thing.  I mean, if you have to give up one of your senses, smell is the best choice.

I’m not clear under which scenario you would be forced to give up a sense.  But, if you ever have to choose, take my advice & go with “smell.”

Apparently, in addition to the loss of smell, I’ve also lost my ability to focus.

My point to all of this is that, while I can’t actually smell, I can taste.  (That’s usually the first thing people want to know when they find out my oddity.)

This is both good & bad.

Bananas?  Good.

Dirty diapers?  Not so much.

Because of this, my kids were all potty trained ridiculously early.  My advice to new moms on potty training?  Taste it.  There is no greater motivator than the taste of a shitty diaper.

I’m hoping my new boss continues to taste like bananas.

**I’m blaming this post on the huffing that I may have accidentally done yesterday while doing arts & crafts.  In an enclosed space.  With both spray paint and high performance spray adhesive.**

December 12, 2015 Posted by | Advice, Family, Kids, People, Work | 6 Comments

5 Random Things That Passed Through My Head Today…

1) Vicodin should come with a hard candy shell.  I just love it so much!  I think it should taste like Skittles.  Instead, it has to win the prize for Worst Tasting Drug on the Market.  If there were such a contest.  Bastards.

2) Every time I think I have a handle on things, someone takes that handle & shoves it right up my ass.  I’m like a bitch on a stick!

3) Encouraging discrimination of any sort should be considered a crime.  I’m speaking to you, state of Iowa and Anoka-Hennepin, MN school officials. Stay out of  bedrooms and work to make life BETTER for the people in your districts. (More on this in a post I hope to have up very soon.)

4) People who speak out the loudest  or attempt to change the rules and/or laws regarding  homosexual couples are more than likely closet cross-dressers.  (See #3,  specifically the state of Iowa and Anoka-Hennepin, MN school district) Also, they’re assholes.  I’m okay with the cross dressing part.  The assholes?  Not so much.

5)  GAH!  (Yes, that is a complete thought.)

February 4, 2011 Posted by | Advice, Friday 5, Rant | 2 Comments

Things In My Text Box

Since I let so much time go by between blog posts, these things have really been piling up.  Because of that, this list is pretty damn long.  Also, now I’ll need some new material.  So, if you’re one of my texting peeps… get to work, I need to reload!!!!   No pressure, though.

–         I heard if u feed someone antifreeze it kills them…just sayin’

–         Inject it in the fruit the husband will get blamed.. Easy fix… Man, I’m evil today.

–         I would say ummm excuse me but u have to stop or else I’m gonna have to kill that apple.

–         Looks all clotted & gross. Can’t bring myself to try them!

–         It really looks like blood! That’s nasty

–         Keep pushing.  You’ll find out what “arsenic” means in a hurry.

–         Would you like some curry-ade?

–         Watch how you talk to me bitch!  I know where you sleep.

–         Also helps that you’ll just be back from a fab long weekend of mayhem & kidnapping!

–         Oh we can torture him

–         No clue. Never been arrested. Except that one time…

–         She crossed over to the dark side. There’s no going back now (…)*

–         (…)’s dad looks like a rapist.

–         This is what my excited pants look like.

–         Looks like a hairy blanket woody!

–         I doooo have a large one!

–         OK, then measure that.

–         I’m going to get the inspection soon.

–         Wow, that was fast! How big is the box?

–         What if I go blind…or poke an eye out or something?

–         Let him put it in there. Thank him…but ignore your mom!

–         “Spot of girlie” totally made me LOL!

–         Thanks, chick.  That was 1 heavy ol’ lady! Also, old lady bits require eye bleach!

–         Just had a redheaded slut. (DISCLAIMER: rest of this text deleted, because I can’t bring myself to type it!)

–         How about just a hug? She’s not really my type.

–         Haha!  Super!!!!  Well I attract girl nasty asses as well ya know…I just have this special way of making crazy people like me for a minute.

–         You’re just jealous.

–         Never heard of it, but sounds right up my white trash alley!

–         Wow that seems so long, but I know you’re having fun.

–         U r dirty!! Ha ha!!

–         (…) was a dirty bitch!! Miss you too. We’re going to have to figure out ways to wee each other more often.

–         funk funnk funk funky…dirty bitch dirty bitch

–         I have that part minus the orgy.

–         You can join if you would like.

–         U see who you can cougar up to coming & then we’ll see

–         Beautiful..I suggest whistling while u work..smile lots..it will keep them guessing what u really did for ur long lunch.

–         I meant at the table, not the truck.

–         Then it’s my lucky day!

–         Herpes is a sexually transmitted disease.  The brother story makes me think it’s a mean ass rumor.

–         I think I’ll stop at the bar on the way home myself. Maybe I’ll find a replacement for your ungrateful ass.

–         I’m such a temptress!

–         And that is one SEXAY SEXAY man!!

–         Right on! His neck may be a bit thicker though.  He is chubby lol

–         It was hot. I can see why they acted on it.

–         I might have to run up n hump his leg like a stray pup

–         Dats cute

–         I know!! Please try n refrain from touching

–         Way to rub it in mom!

–         Please pardon me…I should not neglect you so.

–         I couldn’t get near that chick. She was like a ninja

–         I don’t know him yet..but he’s about to be my new baby daddy

–         Hey baby

–         Ohhhh me to!!!! Super sad…however, if you let (…) or whatever Mr Midget Face name is get his midget groove on with u…we could go for free!

–         Awesome!!! That’s being a good sport!! Remove that bahoodie guard n let that mini people sex god have his way.

–         Oh my he looks Chinese

–         Damn, that sounded DIRTY!

–         And a yappy little fucker?

–         So what if the boy is home. Cant u 2 get nasty quietly?

–         That’s fucked up

–         Ugh!  I just gagged!!!

–         I know its naughty

–         Lets get drunk and go dildo shopping HAHA

–         Where are you mommy?

–         I still like the dildo for her tho!

–         I think so… n u can so share ur stuff with me

–         I do that a lot

–         bad bad girls!!!

–         Just wish I could get the dirty store out of my brain. You naughties!  The fire hydrant looking thing was something else!

–         I so wanted that…

–         Alrighty, madre.

–         Ha ha!! Beat him with it! Say stop it don’t touch don’t touch don’t touch

–         Hahahahahahaha!! All I can think of is that GIANT scary toy n butt plugs…Look out (…), (…)’s gonna SHARE!

–         I hurt

–         Ha ha ha ha!  Thanks, friend.  Just what I always wanted!

–         Okay I’m excited!!!

–         Ha ha!! No!!!! I told him that u were a good girl n wanted a chin vibrator!!!

–         WHAT THE HELL!!  So that is what a dickhead looks like!! Haha

–         Rubbers?

–         Ummm what is that? It looks like a turkey with abs in a santa suit

–         Sounds strangely dirty..yet also innocent at the same time.

–         How about a box of penis suckers?

–         How fabulous is that!!!!

–         I like it!!

–         All the genitalia is drawn. That’s how the names are written.

–         Ha ha shut up!! Does ur shit say that??

–         I know it could make us bazillionaires!! We R goin to be way more fun n adventurous than Jackass.

–         Yes, but we can make it happen! Think of how much fun it will be in a total redneck hillbilly bar! We will each have more teeth than everyone else in the bar put together!

–         Ha ha!!  I feel like hummin to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies… not quite sure why exactly haha!

–         Oh man drive fast I think I hear the chainsaws from here

–         What’s that spelling? Is that Kentucky for Christmas?

–         Just dropped toothpaste cap in dad’s teeth water n didn’t throw up. I must be getg ghettofied!

–         We will & will be dirt cheap! Just gas money & dive motels!  Will be a riot

–         That’s how I roll.

–         We r in hell friend!  This place is nuts!

–         The world is ending…I just know it!  People R losing their minds!

–         REVOLT!

–         I’ll crack

–         Haha! I hate that too…breathing makes me crazy too!

–         Nope, haven’t forgotten…but insanity by genetics is a great excuse for when we get uncharacteristically fucking bonkers!!

–         Yes I need help with that!  No crazy asses permitted beyond this point!

–         All she needs is a little special ed helmet

–         Sharpie

–         I’m a math genius

–         U R tard!

–         And make sure you wipe me good!

–         Wash em wash em wash em EWWWW EWWWWW  EWWWWW!!

–         Um, no.  Def not. No (…)s No (…) No nasty asses.  No clean asses.  No asses at all.

–         MEAN ASS!!!!!!

–         Maybe. But not a smelly ass.

–         I can find the ass on my own just fine…thanks tho

–         Now I’m in traffic. Chick next to us looks just like Gilda Radner! It’s like SNL day, only with assholes

–         I bet u do!!  Ass!!!!

–         Yep, & also an assy personality

–         Apparently you get your assiness from your daddy

–         What kinda meds…beer…poker…and ass?

–         I took that a long time ago

–         Are you on drugs again?  Who is Clover?

–         Don’t forget my drugs!

–         I think they did haha!! I got my wax on today n u got ur rufies on haha!

–         We R a walking talking pharmacy

–         Im bringing excedrin n my nerve pills…ya just never know haha!

–         Now I have munchies. I’m in the druggie club!

–         Perfect biz op for you…Advertise on craigslist & charge stoners $5 to come eat your chips!!

–         Haha!!  Got munchies?  Got chips!

–         No we don’t need milk or bread…Chips  We will survive on chips!!!

–         I  know. Did I tell u they brought us 14 bags of chips last night??

–         BUY SOME FOR ME!  My weave just fell out

–         That’s awesome!  I wanna go cuz I need some new weave!

–         That’s so funny!!! It was the rubbers on ur fingers n ur furry monster I just seen that text! Not sure how I missed that one

–         It is fun!! Maybe after winter u could give it a shave or a trim…hairy beast is frightful!! Haha

–         Hahahaha!!! What is that?? Does it talk? Walk? Breathe?  It’s awfully hairy! I think it may need to wax!

–         haha!! Add her!! I got my first wax today i had (…) laughin so hard that shit hurts I yelled

–         Ummm my hair doer girl talked me into it. I do not recommend that shit at all! Holy piss

–         I shaved mine too n I had no issues now I’m all red n swollen my eyes look like I’m a puffer monster.

–         Not my happy place!! I do shave that I got my brows waxed!! OMG!!!!!

–         I would be tempted to braid it if mine was like that!! That sounds bad, huh?

–         Now that’s just not even nice.

–         Haha! Well as long as u love her that’s all that matters!!

–         Mullets rnt as out as u think. Just saw a whole fam of mullets @ Wallyworld

–         Mullets @ Big Lots 2

–         And has a MULLET! Who wants to hang w mullet man? Not me, my friend. Not me.

–         We’re way cooler than any dude w a mullet. I’m just sayin’

–         Wallyworld is the only place they still exist.  That store is MADE for mullets

–         If a zombie apocalypse happens, we’re taking over WallyWorld. They have entertainment, food, & an endless supply of places to sleep.

–         Too bad you can’t hear this radio station!  You are an expert on this topic! Its about taking pictures of random people in funny clothes or situations!  Lol

–         Yep. Shoes with toes.  Funky!!

–         There’s nothing worse than sloppy chewers n heavy breathers!

–         I think that being a mouth breather and smelling bad is a double whammy and its a double whammy for me too because I have to sit by this girl

–         Cube troll is sucking & slurping all over an apple. WTF? So nauseating.

–         Queezy tummy girl joing us now. Btr not poop her pants!

–         Crap. Isn’t she potty trained? Nasty!

–         Well, she IS Republican

–         Dammit there it goes

–         He IS sperm.

–         I’m sitting in your basement.

–         Creeper even in your dreams!!!

–         The force is with me today.  My superpowers are strong.

–         Who’s wonder woman?

–         Dude, have you not met me?

–         I’m halfway between the equator & the north pole!

–         Hahahaha relax woman!

–         Dammit, you’re ruining all my fun!!

–         Blah blah blah…all this abuse is creating too much stress…

–         No…cheap bastard

–         Ha ha I’m sitting here!

–         Liar

–         Dammit

–         If I can’t have my way…I’ll just have to hold my breath

–         I want meatloaf!

–         So rude.  Let’s have meatloaf for Thanksgiving!

–         When are we eating bitch..I’m hungry

–         Bite me, fucker.  You’ll eat when I tell you it’s ready.

–         Back to my question…Bitch, where’s my hassenfeffer?!

–         You make it easy for those of us that must deal with you on a regular basis..to wish you would roll over a bed of tacks sometimes..and I don’t know why..we still love you.

–         Oh I bet u will!! I’m gonna call u scary the singing band manager. I can’t remember our band name. I think I’m so tired I’m not sure I’m remembering much.

–         Nah! I’m super nice

–         Logical…Totally insensitive…but logical

–         ???

–         Haha…then sparkley sunny skies n moonbeams will be just part of ur office lingo…Just do it!  Its fun!

–         Make up special sayings that only u know the meanings to n say them.  It will bring satisfaction.  My computer is so beautiful today it shines like a starlit sky.

–         Does that say strawberry manilow?

–         (…) liked her belly button cleaner n momma like bobblehead jesus

–         Maybe we will have to make a poster to hang in the window!  Tonight is midget wrestling!

–         If my elbow became injured..and I needed to go to the hospital..would u come home then?

–         I win. Or lose. Fuck

–         Well it’s like this. The combine out back damn near took my arm off @ the elbow..the sore one!!! The rag I have tied around it has the bleeding under control for the moment. 911 has been notified

–         But I’M BLEEDING!!!! Have you no compassion?

–         Im laughin so hard I can’t breathe!!

–         Oh my god u did not!!! Im goin to puke from laughing…quit it!!

–         Stop it!!

–         I’m not lol ing!

–         Don’t get a big head there, friend.  Mostly because it’d look ridiculous after having such a pinny lil Beetlejuice head for so long.

–         I can’t get a big head.  Beetle, remember?

–         Yes, yes I do. You’re lucky or I’d be running so very far from you all right now

–         Hmmm…true. But doesn’t his head balloon for a few secs after that? Been a while, maybe I just made that up.

–         Thanks for clearing that up. Your comment made no sense to me.

–         What? I don’t know what that means (seriously)

–         Hahaha I know. I’m good with that

–         Everyone else will be checking in. Except your mom, but she’s a bitch.

* In case you don’t remember from the previous text posts, (…) means I took out the name to protect the not-so-innocent.

If you’re new to my blog, thanks for stopping by!  Hopefully, you don’t have a mullet or an abnormal amount of pubic hair.  If  you do… well, sorry if I offended you.  Okay… no, I’m really not.  Try some grooming, man!   I will tell you that these texts are both incoming & outgoing, & I never tell which.  So, maybe this isn’t the best way for you to get to know me.  Stick around a while & browse.  Hopefully, I won’t scare you away 🙂

Also, nobody was harmed in the making of this text list.   Just thought I should throw that out there so you didn’t contact the authorities.

January 11, 2011 Posted by | Advice, Confession, Friends, Kids, Textersations, Work | Leave a comment

Girl-Cation!!

So, I somehow let almost 2 months go by without a blog post.  Again.  I knew I hadn’t been writing anything, and several people even mentioned it to me.  Sometimes I just need a nudge or 5 to pull me out of my rut & get me back to the keyboard.  This time, I’ll blame the holidays & my kids.  (They didn’t really do anything to drive me into writer’s block.  I just blame them for everything.)  Also, I was busy planning the fabulous girl-cation I was taking (Which is the point of this post.  Don’t worry; I’ll get there!).

Now, about that trip… This may get all disjointed & out of order.  There is so much to tell & I tend to digress.  Sorry in advance!  (See?  Even I know I can go all ADD & lose myself in another direction.)

Did you ever have one of those experiences where you wouldn’t change one second of whatever it had been you just went through?  Maybe not everything went according to plan, but even the miscues created fabulous memories. Somehow, the stars all aligned just right & became something to remember, cherish, & laugh about for a lifetime.  That was this trip for me.  So here’s where my story begins.  This might be a good time for you to grab a cup of coffee; you’re probably going to be here a while.  Its okay, we’ll wait……………

It all started with a phone call a couple of months ago.  My friend Kris called & said “I know you’ll probably say no, because it’s so close to Christmas… But what do you think about a road trip to see Joan Jett in Miami?”  My thought process went something like “Road Trip!  Joan Jett!! Joan Jett!!!  JOAN FUCKING JETT!!!!”   But Responsible Me kicked Immature Me’s ass & what I SAID was “no.”  The concert was literally just a few days before Christmas, I have a Duggar-like giant family, & a tenuous job situation.  A long weekend road trip was not in my plans or my budget.

While I was dragging my feet, other friends had jumped on-board.  So, it quickly became much more than a concert! It was a chance to reconnect with some of the most fabulous women I know, and a much bigger draw than I could walk away from.  I HAD to go, regardless of what Responsible Me (or my family) thought about it.   Besides, Responsible Me is a bitch.  (But not you, Family… Just Responsible Me.)

So, in mid-December, four of us ditched our families (and Responsible Selves) & made a pilgrimage to revel at the feet of the original rock goddess!  (Actually, as it turns out, only one of us truly reveled at JJ’s feet, but I’ll get to that later.)  We took off in a rental car with Running Man, a Joan Jett Barbie, and a “Bad Girls Need a Good Licking!” sign in the window (What?  It was an impulse purchase!) I’m sure there were some truckers wondering just what the hell we were up to.

Bad Girls Need a Good Rental

You find out some really odd stuff about people when you travel together, no matter how well you think you know them.  For example, Cindy sleeps with one eye open.  Kelly can fall asleep sitting straight up, hands folded politely in her lap.  (Creepy as fuck, both of them!) Kris falls asleep faster than any other person on the planet, hands down.  As for me, whatever I was dreaming caused me to burst into song.   Since I can’t get any of the girls to tell me exactly what I was singing without bursting into laughter, I get to make something up.  So I’ll go with some mad combo of “Sweet Transvestite” from Rocky Horror & “Chim Chim Cheree” from Mary Poppins.    (What?  Don’t judge.) I should probably also tell you that Kelly travels like a mental health patient on a field trip.  She wore pajamas every time we drove!  So we’d get out of the car for gas, coffee, ocean frolicking, whatever…and she’s wearing pjs & black Ugg-style boots, with a wild-ass bird nest of hair.

Since I’m an insomniac who requires Ambien to sleep, I missed out on a huge chunk of the drive down there.  But apparently, our GPS (Bonita Ramona Sue Jean – she’s a bitch) took us on a scenic path through the mountains of West Virginia during a blizzard, rather than the straight shot down I77.  Also, at one point, they thought we were chasing a train…when in reality we were RACING a train to the crossing.  I’m here to tell the story, so apparently we won.  Yay, us!

Between Kelly’s asylum style, Kris’ do-rag, Cindy’s window licking, & my drugs (which I do have prescriptions for, just didn’t bring the  bottles), we looked like a rolling band of tweaking rodeo clowns.  Good thing we didn’t get pulled over for anything.  We would have SO wound up in some hillbilly jail.

Roughly 20 hours after taking off, we finally hit a beach near Tampa.  I’ll just say that you’d be amazed how immature a bunch of 40 year old women can be when there’s water around.

Kris, the hunchback goon, chasing asylum escapee Kelly.

Me, Kelly, Kris, & Cindy - Tampa Honorary Lifeguards. Actually, they were just happy we stopped frightening the children.

So, to sum up our drive, we’ve had a car full of drugs, looked like asylum escapees on a field trip, freaked out some truck drivers, taken a “Wrong Turn” style detour, got lost on a mountain in a blizzard, raced a train, then washed all our sins (& probably more than a little funk) away in the Gulf.

We didn’t stay at the beach long, though.  We were spending a night with a friend who lives in Plant City, Rena.  She has an uber-cool  family of skateboarders and ROCK STARS!  Her husband, Andy, looks JUST like Iggy Pop!  He even MOVES like Iggy, holding his arms out away from his body & bumping his hip out, then dipping his head so he can flip his hair back.   The similarities were amazing!  And Rena’s youngest son, Logan, spent the night serenading & entertaining us with some great stories.

And that house!!  It was a maze, kind of like the Winchester Mansion, if the Winchester Mansion were about 1800 square feet. There were rooms on top of rooms, beside rooms, around rooms… Um, LOVED IT!!  Every time I opened a door, it was like a challenge.  How fabulous is that?  SO FABULOUS!!  Even better?  A drunk trap!  We were staying in a huge bedroom that had a door to the outside.  Only you had to be careful, because there was a big step down just on the other side of the doorway.  Then one giant step UP to the patio, effectively creating a concrete trough…OR a just a trap for drunks like us! (I say “drunks like us” only because it sounds better than “a drunk like me.”  Truthfully, these chicks don’t drink very much.  Nope.  Their brand o’ crazy is all natural!  Scary, I know.)

Okay, back to our bedroom.  It was pretty big & had several beds in it.  Good thing, because we had like 10 people crammed in there, as one giant, middle-aged slumber party! I can honestly say that was the best sleepover of my life.    The smoke was so thick it made people look like they were in a cloud.  It was like a Cheech & Chong movie, where they open a door & the smoke just rolls out.  (Sorry, I can’t remember a specific movie that was in.  Does it matter, though?  Didn’t think so.)   At one point, someone dropped a cigarette & caught the comforter on fire!!  (Nothing major, just maybe a lighter-sized flame)  Kelly smacked it out pretty quick, so no real damage was done.  But dudes… our bed was ON FIRE!

Me, Jenn, & Kelly

So now we’ve had a car full of drugs, hung out with Iggy Pop and his family in the Winchester Mansion, looked like asylum escapees, freaked out some truckers, made a “Wrong Turn” style detour in a blizzard, narrowly escaped death by train, baptized ourselves in the Gulf, & had our bed catch on fire.

Kelly, Me, Kris, Rena, & Cindy. Nope, no evil here.

In the morning, we headed to Denny’s for breakfast.  It seems like an odd location, but this is where the most heart-breakingly beautiful moments of our trip took place.  You see, our friend Rena has been sick for quite a while.  This  trip may have started as a mindless girl-cation to see Joan Jett,  but the chance to see Rena made the trip.  Anyway, Kris had found a heart-shaped stone in her garden last summer.  She didn’t tell any of us, but she brought that rock with her on the trip.  It was offered to Rena as a gift from the earth, honoring her Native American ancestry and her friendship.   We each held the rock and spoke a few words both to and about Rena and the powers of friendship, love, and faith.  The idea was to transfer our positive energy to the stone before handing it off to Rena, in the hopes that she could take the energy and love transferred to find that strength when her own reserves are low. It was a breathtakingly poignant moment that will be cherished forever. 

By now, we were cutting it a little short on time.  We were 4 hours from Miami, with plans to find a nice motel and get ready for the concert.  We said our goodbyes at the restaurant, with plans for Rena and Cindy to catch up with us at the casino just before show time.  Unfortunately, they never made it.  Rena fell not long after making it home from Denny’s and was unable to make the trip.  Luckily, she wasn’t injured too badly, but the trip was out of the question.

So we set the GPS (Bonita Ramona Sue Jean, did I mention she’s a bitch?) to find the casino.  The problem was, the casino was just built & Bonita Ramona Sue Jean (that BITCH!) hadn’t been updated since Kieran got it.  So there was no way of looking it up!  When I put in the address, it said no addresses are available.  GAH!  Also, nobody spoke English!  So when we tried to get directions, we couldn’t!  We wound up wandering around the outskirts of Miami, until we found an address Bonita Ramona Sue Jean (she’s such a slacker BITCH!!) could find.  Only that address took us WAY outside of town, kind of in the middle of nowhere.  We could see a building off in the distance & someone said it looked pretty casino-ish… No.  It was a PRISON!  Bonita Ramona Sue Jean (who is a bitch, by the way) had literally directed us to prison.  (I’m thinking she had heard about the drugs & asylum escape & ratted us out.) That NARC BITCH!

So now we’ve had a car full of drugs, hung out with Iggy Pop and his family in the Winchester Mansion, looked like asylum escapees, freaked out some truckers, made a “Wrong Turn” style detour in a blizzard, narrowly escaped death by train, baptized ourselves in the Gulf, had our bed catch on fire, & gone to prison.

We managed to get back to the general area we thought the casino would be in, then I searched Bonita Ramona Sue Jean for a motel.  Bitch led us to the skankiest motel in town!  On the way there, though, we passed the casino!!

FINALLY!!!

Turns out, we were way off base originally, but had stumbled our way to the right neighborhood…  Which was like Cuban Harlem.  Kris & I go into the office (Kelly was hiding in the backseat, so we wouldn’t have to pay for an extra person) of the dive motel & ask the foreign manager guy for the room.  He wouldn’t hand her keys, but led us out of the office & over to the right door…  Then told us to wait on the sidewalk while he went in.  Curious.  He goes to the back of the room, and then turns into a little area that’s out of our sight.  Kris steps in & he yells at us to get out!  Um, WTF dude?!  Then he goes back to that area for a few seconds, then back into the main room, fiddles with the cable box on top of a dresser, & turns on the tv.  THEN he hands us the keys.

By now, I had to pee so incredibly bad!  So Kris went out to start unloading the car alone.  The manager was nosing around our car & saw Kelly in the back.  She pretended to be asleep & he didn’t really say much (probably because he didn’t know the English words) …but demanded Kris move the car over ONE parking space.  There were only maybe 8 parking spaces in this tiny lot & very little room to maneuver between the rows.  I saw it happen & was cracking up, since the guy totally busted us, so went back into the room so he wouldn’t see me laughing.  I’m in there for a few minutes, trying to get hold of myself before I go to check what’s taking them so long…  Which is when I see Kris kneeling down beside a Mercedes convertible, checking out the damage!  She had hit another “guest’s” car while backing out.  It was some guy who looked like Johnny Depp & was from Guatemala or Ecuador or Portugal or Venezuela or something…  Who said he was from New Jersey, but drove a car with Rhode Island plates…and didn’t want the police called, just wanted money.  $500 for some minor fender damage!  Now Kris is completely freaked out!!  Kelly went in to get a shower & Kris needed me to go to the ATM with her, since it was such a bad neighborhood.  While she’s making a withdrawal (could only get $400), I’m keeping a lookout.  There were SO many gang-bangers & just rough looking people it was like a movie!  Then Kelly calls my cell, screaming frantically that the door won’t deadbolt, & she can hear people just outside of it.  Turns out, the only lock on the door that worked was a bathroom door type lock that can be opened fairly easily.  GAH!!!  Now I have Kelly freaked that we left her alone to shower in a skeevy motel w dealers & pimps.  (She’s had the worst luck for the past many years & doesn’t deal well with stress or scary situations AT ALL!  I hadn’t thought of that when Kris & I left her, but there’s not really much I could do anyway).  So we rush back there & I try to calm Kelly down, then Kris & I go have a talk with our new Guatemalan/Ecuadoran/Venezuelan/Portuguese friend.

She tried to explain to him that the ATM had a $400 limit, so that’s all she could get.  He got all kinds of agitated & was demanding the $500, no matter what.   We wound up pooling our money so she could pay him off, then I made him sign a receipt.  Kelly wouldn’t shower unless we were in the room, so she waited inside (like I said, she can’t deal with angry or stressful situations) until we got back.  She hits the shower, & that’s when Kris & I finally get to thinking about the room.  We come to the conclusion that it’s probably rigged with cameras, though we couldn’t find them.  I think the skeevy owner saw Kris & I walk in together & made an assumption & thought he’d get some good girl-on-girl footage.  Creep.  We didn’t mention anything to Kelly, since she was already so freaked out & was the only one who had dropped trou at that point.

Anyway, we made it to the concert & Kris finally settled down when it kicked off.  She LOVES Joan Jett, so I knew that’s kinda what it would take.  That & a couple drinks did the trick.  I’d never seen her SO wired like that!  It’s definitely not her normal fun, hyper personality.  (She had the hyper down, but she was NOT having any fun during that shakedown!)  Kris & I had great seats, kinda center stage & near the front of the amphitheater.  Kelly, Cindy, & Rena bought their tickets later, so were further back & on another level.  Well, with Cindy & Rena unable to make the trip, this left Kelly having to sit alone!  So Kris & I went in together, then I took Kris’ ticket up to Kelly & she came in with me.  Luckily, nobody sat down during the concert, so we got away with it. (Because we’re  BRILLIANT!!!)  Concert was fab & I got the whole thing on tape (including Kris’ breakaway trip to the front row to revel at the feet of The Goddess…and her subsequent eviction from that seat, which we’re pretty sure The Goddess also caught!).  They didn’t check bags, so I got both my regular camera & camcorder in.  Great seats + great zoom on camcorder = GREAT, close-up video!  SCORE!!

Kelly, me, & Kris

So now we’ve had a car full of drugs, hung out with Iggy Pop and his family in the Winchester Mansion, looked like asylum escapees, freaked out some truckers, made a “Wrong Turn” style detour in a blizzard, narrowly escaped death by train, baptized ourselves in the Gulf, slept in a burning bed, gone to prison, were videotaped by a creepy foreign voyeur with a girl-on-girl fetish, crashed into a Mercedes, got shaken down by a Guatemalan drug dealer, stole both a $55 seat AND a $100 seat to a FAB concert, & then illegally videotaped it!

After the show, we went into the casino.  I told the girls that I needed to gamble $10, but no more.  If I win, great.  If I lose, no biggie.  We were going to meet up with this chick named Ashley who was doing a shoot to remake JJ’s “French Song” video to put up on YouTube.  By the time Kris got ahold of Ashley, though, she (Ashley) had already finagled her way backstage & had met JJ!  SO JEALOUS!!!   The video shoot was cancelled & we were out of luck.  The good news is, I had turned my $10 into $64.  The bad news is, Kelly continued her streak of bad luck (lost all of her money)… and we never met up with Ashley or JJ.

Me, Kelly, & Kris - With a snagged set list!

By now, the casino was losing interest & we decided to hit a club downtown to blow off some steam before heading back to our pervy skank motel.  But, the only ones we could find were either too highbrow or too skeevy.  So we tried to find a gay bar, thinking that would be a safe alternative to what we had found thus far.  No luck!  How is it possible that downtown Miami has NO gay bars?  Seriously???  We wound up heading back to the motel, then took a walk to find some food.  Only we’re staying in such a bad area, nothing stays open after dark!  NOT KIDDING!!!  We’re talking bars-on-windows, gang tags on buildings bad.  We had to get back in the car & drive to a suburban Denny’s at 2 am.

At Denny’s, we stumbled into a drunken conversation about sex, vibrators, etc…  While a table of 20-something guys listened behind us.  We knew they were dipping, but thought it was funny they tried to play it so cool.  By the time we got back to the motel, it was 3 am & we were exhausted.  We decided Kris & I would sleep in the bed closest to the door.  That way if anyone broke in, there would be two of us to head off the attack.  Kelly slept in the other bed, in a little area by the bathroom.   We’re getting ready for bed, I pulled back the comforter … and found a hair on my pillow.  Kris starts gagging again (told you she has a strong gag reflex!!) & we once again use our own pillows & blankets.

New summary… We’ve had a car full of drugs, hung out with Iggy Pop & his family in the Winchester Mansion, in a burning bed, got lost on a WV mountain in a near-blizzard, narrowly escaped death by train, freaked out some truckers, washed our sins away in the Gulf, are incredibly sleep deprived, looked like asylum escapees, went to prison, were videotaped by a creepy voyeur with a girl-on-girl fetish, crashed into a Mercedes, got shaken down by a Guatemalan drug dealer who looked just like Johnny Depp, stole both $55 AND  $100 seats, illegally videotaped a FAB concert, made a bunch of kids horny over our sex talk & vibrator preferences, & slept in an unclean bed next to a red chair with mysterious white stains on it.

The next day, we got up & hit the road.  We had had enough of Miami, & I’m pretty sure Miami was done with us.  We hung out at Lantana beach for a while, playing in the ocean in our clothes & collecting shells.

Me & Kelly, playing in the water.

Hit the road again, & went back to Cocoa Beach, where we all hung out last May!  We did some “real” shopping, and then hit up the Adult Emporium next to our shady motel from that trip (Fawlty Towers).  We didn’t buy anything, but spent a lot of time embarrassing Kris & laughing over the different options.  Dudes…we found a vibrator with a head strap!  Basically, you strap it on your head & it gives your chin a dick.  Funniest damn thing!

More shopping, then we hit the road to come home.  Cindy flew home, since she had to be at work Monday.  So we never saw her again after leaving her at Rena’s.  The ride home was SO much fun… at least for SOME of us.  I had taken my Ambien, but those bitches kept waking me up.  They would sing John Denver songs in these godawful falsetto voices, put the windows down to freeze me out, or drive for miles blaring the horn to “scare away the deer.”  This went on for HOURS!!!  (And spawned our new choir, The Katerwaulers.  CDs in stores soon!!)

Kris & Kelly, the early days of The Katerwaulers

Final summary… We had lots of drugs in our car, hung out with Iggy Pop & his family in the Winchester Mansion, got lost on a WV mountain in a near-blizzard, narrowly escaped a crushing death by train, freaked out some truckers, washed our sins away in the Gulf, looked like asylum escapees, went to prison, were videotaped by a creepy voyeur with a girl-on-girl fetish, crashed into a Mercedes, got shaken down by Guatemalan Johnny Depp, stole expensive seats, illegally videotaped a FAB concert, whipped a bunch of kids into a horny frenzy in Denny’s, slept in an unclean bed next to a red chair with mysterious white stains on it, shopped for vibrators, frolicked in the ocean while fully clothed, had a wet t-shirt contest, and are incredibly sleep deprived due to all of the above.

There was never a dull moment, & this was more fun than any 40 year old should expect.  And, we can’t wait to do it all again!  Though maybe next time we’ll skip the pervs and filth mongers.

January 8, 2011 Posted by | Advice, Confession, Friends | 4 Comments

Things In My Text Box

These posts are always both incoming and outgoing texts, and I never tell which.  This one, however, is a little bit different.  Mostly because I dumb assedly erased almost all of my inbox.  On accident.  And then I uttered a few curse words.  Surprise, I know!!   There are a couple of incoming texts in this post, but this group was mostly sent by me to my anonymous friends & family.  If you sent me something & were hoping to see it in my next text post … Sorry, but you know I’m kind of a dumbass sometimes. 

Also, keep in mind that these posts are not conversations.  Most of them were completely innocent (I’d insert an angelic-faced picture here, if I had one.), so they’re taken completely out of context & rarely in order.  That would require a cell phone better than mine & some organizational skills.  I have neither.

–         Why, does he deer hunt pantsless? Bet that causes shrinkage.

–         Cold air in those places is not considered a good thing to sane people.  Put some fucking clothes on next time!

–         They just want to TRY! They like warm, moist places.  I only have a couple of those.

–         Right.  I’ll take my chances with the possible bed bugs.  They don’t want to impregnate me.

–         Have a great way for your to raise $ for your missions trip.  Prostitution!!!

–         Log on before homewrecking whore is taken.  Tooo funny.

–         Dude…We group sodomized Jesus yesterday!

–         Nice.  Good thing I don’t believe in Jesus. Otherwise, I’d be a lil nervous.

–         OMG that’s horrible but why am I laughing right now?

–         So, I think black guys that are hard of hearing have a thing for me.

–         Nah, you love me.  I’m your favorite.

–         Make sure you wave in the general direction of your asshole Uncle Austin Powers while you’re in his ‘hood

–         It’s better that way. Family is overrated if they’re all assholes.

–         Holy fuck it just hit me…I have a Wonder Woman & a Batman!  If I had kept breeding, I could have birthed the new Justice League!

–         Not really, they’re all goofy.  That’s how I roll.

–         OMG!!  Did you hear that?  That was the sound of my eyes rolling.

–         You should have some chocolate.  And then maybe find a midget to laugh at. That always makes me feel better.

–         Hey, I’m as classy as a Detroit Denny’s!!

–         Now I want sausage.  These drugs blow!!

–         Well, I don’t want you to forget!  I’m out of drugs, woman!

–         Bite me, junkie.

–         Make it 20 & you’re on.  Have to do something with my hair. Holy fuck, I look like a crackhead!

–         So if they made a serotonin supplement, I’d be sane?  Good to know.

–         Must be something going on there today. Or they’re just winos.

–         Your dog just pissed in the dining room…then started licking it up.  And you thought she wasn’t “special.”

      –    Only like Special Olympics kids.  They’re all winners of some sort.

–         Yep. And there’s nobody in my apt to see me naked anyway! Lol

–         OMG!!! That is a pocket hoohoo!!! Hilarious!!

–         Yep. Pocket pussy. Stuck to the wall.

–         Dammit!!  I want my ladybits back!!

–         You should practice using it on each other…see whose hair smokes the most.

–         Bitch wasn’t faking.  And we were at Chili’s.

–         Good point.  Have to make sure not to wear saggy drawers while eating chips.

–         I don’t like sand in my hoo-ha.

–         Oh.  Good point.  Dollars it is!

–         If they catch you, start crying & say you stopped taking your meds & just can’t control the voices anymore.

Note to self:  Next time, when the phone asks if you REALLY want to delete these items… Just say no.

November 15, 2010 Posted by | Advice, Confession, Friends, Kids, Textersations | Leave a comment

Things In My Text Box

Yes, I do know it’s only been a few days since my last text update.  But dammit, if I don’t get these typed right away they pile up like Chinese stacking people & take FOREVER to sort through!  Besides, I have it on good authority that these are my best posts.  Really, I think my kids just like to see their texts in print.

-She looks like a crackhead stripper who’s not talented enough to strip IN the ghetto bar & instead does her act in the alley behind the bar.  Next to the dumpster.  And her bar is really just a broken umbrella.

-Need to convert newly empty bedroom into pole dancing studio. Mine’s not big enough.  I hit my feet on the dresser.  Not sexy!

-You should put a stripper pole in your bedroom too.

-OK maybe, but have you seen my coordination skills?  None.  Plus (name deleted to protect the blushing husband) would get embarrassed & close his eyes.

-My lap dancing skills are lacking.  I’ve got the pole dancing down, though.

-I need practice in it all.  I’m coloring today at work, though.  I have that down.

-Hold on a minute…condom club?  What the hell??

– I push “no,” but get mama some free condoms for xmas.

– Noticed pedophile (name deleted to protect the rights of a sick bastard) commented on post about baby.  Bet he loves babies.

-He jumped right on that brownie thing.  Creeper.

-Nope.  Creepy cousins never get a clue.

-Maybe it hurts to be ugly.

-Kinda like if Mr. Clean & Charlie Brown had a love child.

– More like if Mr. Clean & Charlie Brown had a threesome with Dumbo’s mama & she somehow got knocked up  by both.

– Crush him, then carry his oily remnants around in a jar as a warning to other men.

– Also, if they say anything, tell them it’s customer service week, so it’s all about the celebration of you.  Tomorrow will be Patty Cake Wednesday.

– I’m goin for the front ponytail.  I think that’s nice.

– That’s a fabulous look for you, especially on Leisure Suit Wednesday.

– And how did that go over?  You should be the most popular chick in the office.  Or get some paid time off for mental distress.  Either/or.

– Fuck her.  No really, fuck her.  Then you can get the crazy time off PLUS $ for sexual harassment. SCORE!!

– Dude, you fucked your way into a promotion!! That’s awesome!

– OK I cannot type without glasses & with 3 beers in me.  My arms aren’t long enough!

– Pic last night was a blow up lobster with a bib.  I was a little tipsy & made a wrong turn trying to stumble my way back into the bar…Right into the freaky lobster display!

– Creepy little fucker’s googly eyes in the shadowed, HAUNTED hall gave me the willies.

– Fat people have short arms.  Use your jab.

– Her fat could knock me out if she even moved from just swinging.  I’ll need a bulldozer for her.  Any ideas where I can find one cheap?

– This is just ridiculous.  I think I should teach these people a lesson.  Jumping them should be sufficient, but if this chick sat on me, I’d die.

– Also, I’m sitting on a bus next to a woman who is so fat she takes up 2 ½ seats.

–  And now a guy standing in front of me is wearing an explorer kind of hat with tennis shoes, jeans & a corduroy jacket.  WHAT IS GOING ON??

– If anyone shows up in a bunny costume, RUN!!

– Msg: I’m making $11/hr to make paperclip trains.

– I told you I was gonna put him to work.  Want me to knock the ladder over…You know, accidental-like?

– I don’t know where that b came from…But when I saw it, I liked it, so I left it there.  And ooohhhh became ooohhhhB.

– No, it’s me.  I’m retarded 2day.  But just 2day.

– You know I love you…but you’re kinda stupid, aren’t you?

– I’m in awe.  Also, I’m impressed they give you so many markers to color with, yet don’t let you color.  That’s just a challenge.

– Hahaha I can have pasties?  That’s exactly what I’ve been missing in my work wardrobe!  Maybe they’ll give me a raise.  Or some paid time off for my mental health.  Either/or.

– SHUT UP!!! Or I’ll boil you…

October 5, 2010 Posted by | Advice, Confession, Friends, Kids, Textersations, Work | Leave a comment

   

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