Bonesy's Blahg

5 Mean Things I’ve Done On The Job

I admit, I’m not always the nicest person.  At times, I can be downright mean.  Sometimes it’s out of spite, but most of the time it’s just for fun & orneriness.  I won’t tell you which category these fall under, but here’s my list of 5 mean things I’ve done while on the job.  (I’m sure you can figure out where these fall all on your own.)

1) My first job was as a popcorn bitch at a local movie theater.  It was owned by a guy who was arrogant, famously cheap, & generally just an ass.  One day he came in to see a movie & gave very specific instructions as to how to butter his popcorn, then headed for the bathroom as I was supposed to fill his order.  So, I filled the bucket 1/4 of the way, then took a few kernels & rubbed them on the greasy, filthy, hadn’t-been-mopped-in-a-week,  floor.  Another 1/4, a few more dirty kernels, etc.  (Don’t judge.  You would have done it, too.  Be honest with yourself.) After the movie, he did come out & compliment us on a great batch of popcorn.

2) I used to work for a mail order company.  We would get some of the strangest things returned to us, many of which we didn’t even sell.   One of those packages contained a stun gun.  They were a fairly new item on the market, so not many people had seen one at that point.  We were playing with it in the office & I told one guy that I didn’t understand why anyone would want one, since they don’t really give much of a shock.  Then I convinced him to put his finger between the prongs & push the button.  He got a HUGE shock!  He had a shortish afro, which straightened in the front…and his eyebrows kinda smoked.  He was SO mad at me, but I couldn’t quit laughing.  Actually, I’m STILL laughing at this, almost 15 years later.

3) Another office I worked in had a notorious gossip.  If you had a secret, you DEFINITELY would not want this person to know about it.  So, I decided to test the waters one day.  I started the rumor that someone (a “lifer” who had worked there forever) had turned in a 2 week notice, but didn’t want anyone to know, then swore him to secrecy. I just wanted to see how fast the news would get out.  It went viral!  Coast to coast within 2 hours!!  Everyone from fellow employees to customers were calling me to ask if it were true.

4) In yet another office (hey, I’ve changed jobs a lot!), my boss was a total slob.  She was very friendly, just one of those people who are ridiculously messy.  She also ate at her desk.  A lot.  So, she seemed to always have crumbs on her chest or in her hair.  Just painting a picture.  ANYWAY… One day, she was wearing a pair of cream colored pants & eating a candy bar.  She got up & walked out of the room for a minute.  I took what was left of the candy bar & rubbed it all over the warm seat of her brown pleather chair , then put it back on her desk.  So, when she came back in & sat down…she got melted chocolate all over her cream-colored ass.  AND… nobody told her 🙂  She never did mention it to us.

5) This is probably my favorite, even though it totally backfired.  At  ANOTHER office (catching the theme here?), we got a new girl in the department.  She was young (closer to my age than the others) & seemed cool, but was super secretive!  She didn’t want to talk about her personal life at all, which made getting to know her a little difficult.  So, a friend & I got to brainstorming, trying to figure out just what her secret is.  There MAY have been alcohol involved when we came to this conclusion… but, we thought she was probably gay.  So, in an effort to make her feel more comfortable with us, we came up with a story.  We took her to lunch one day & got into a conversation about sexual preferences.   I “confessed” that, during my college years, I slept with women.   The problem is, she didn’t confess anything!  And, not long after that, we came to the mutual conclusion (I assume) that we really didn’t like each other much.  But, she did like someone in another department…who also didn’t like me much.  Next thing I knew, I was “outed” as the office lesbian.  Despite the fact that I’m married & have 4 kids.  Also, we did eventually find out her secret…She’s not gay.

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January 14, 2011 - Posted by | Confession, Friday 5, Work

6 Comments »

  1. OK – WHEN I saw the link on FB, and mentioned the mean things on the job -I just HAD to come out here to see if the popcorn thing was on the list. #1 Baby! HAHAHA.. I STILL REMEMBER being freaked out as I watched you do that, I was afraid you were going to get caught and fired. 🙂 then I remember him coming back with the compliment – how ironic 🙂

    Oh – and now I want to know the last ones secret!!

    Comment by Greek | January 14, 2011 | Reply

    • The popcorn story was the inspiration for the post! I’ve had it as a “starter” in my head for a long time. I just wasn’t sure if it was going to be part of a post…or a post all it’s own. So… Friday 5 it is!!

      Comment by bonesysblahg | January 14, 2011 | Reply

  2. This made me laugh…BUT then mostly everything you say makes me laugh…you’re SO mean…but, I like it! I like it A LOT!!

    Comment by Kel | January 15, 2011 | Reply

    • You like it because it’s SO like you!

      Comment by bonesysblahg | January 15, 2011 | Reply

  3. I once spent six months getting out of toilet cleaning duties, by miraculously being ‘busy’ or ‘missing’ at exactly 4.40pm every day. (I worked in a garden store as a checkout/ cleaner/ errand monkey.)

    It was the crappiest (ahem) bit of our job, and my co-workers hated me for never doing it.

    Comment by leafprobably | January 17, 2011 | Reply

    • That is GENIUS!! If I ever (god forbid) get a job with toilet cleaning responsibilities, I’m totally stealing this.

      Comment by bonesysblahg | January 18, 2011 | Reply


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