Things In My Text Box

Since I let so much time go by between blog posts, these things have really been piling up.  Because of that, this list is pretty damn long.  Also, now I’ll need some new material.  So, if you’re one of my texting peeps… get to work, I need to reload!!!!   No pressure, though.

–         I heard if u feed someone antifreeze it kills them…just sayin’

–         Inject it in the fruit the husband will get blamed.. Easy fix… Man, I’m evil today.

–         I would say ummm excuse me but u have to stop or else I’m gonna have to kill that apple.

–         Looks all clotted & gross. Can’t bring myself to try them!

–         It really looks like blood! That’s nasty

–         Keep pushing.  You’ll find out what “arsenic” means in a hurry.

–         Would you like some curry-ade?

–         Watch how you talk to me bitch!  I know where you sleep.

–         Also helps that you’ll just be back from a fab long weekend of mayhem & kidnapping!

–         Oh we can torture him

–         No clue. Never been arrested. Except that one time…

–         She crossed over to the dark side. There’s no going back now (…)*

–         (…)’s dad looks like a rapist.

–         This is what my excited pants look like.

–         Looks like a hairy blanket woody!

–         I doooo have a large one!

–         OK, then measure that.

–         I’m going to get the inspection soon.

–         Wow, that was fast! How big is the box?

–         What if I go blind…or poke an eye out or something?

–         Let him put it in there. Thank him…but ignore your mom!

–         “Spot of girlie” totally made me LOL!

–         Thanks, chick.  That was 1 heavy ol’ lady! Also, old lady bits require eye bleach!

–         Just had a redheaded slut. (DISCLAIMER: rest of this text deleted, because I can’t bring myself to type it!)

–         How about just a hug? She’s not really my type.

–         Haha!  Super!!!!  Well I attract girl nasty asses as well ya know…I just have this special way of making crazy people like me for a minute.

–         You’re just jealous.

–         Never heard of it, but sounds right up my white trash alley!

–         Wow that seems so long, but I know you’re having fun.

–         U r dirty!! Ha ha!!

–         (…) was a dirty bitch!! Miss you too. We’re going to have to figure out ways to wee each other more often.

–         funk funnk funk funky…dirty bitch dirty bitch

–         I have that part minus the orgy.

–         You can join if you would like.

–         U see who you can cougar up to coming & then we’ll see

–         Beautiful..I suggest whistling while u work..smile lots..it will keep them guessing what u really did for ur long lunch.

–         I meant at the table, not the truck.

–         Then it’s my lucky day!

–         Herpes is a sexually transmitted disease.  The brother story makes me think it’s a mean ass rumor.

–         I think I’ll stop at the bar on the way home myself. Maybe I’ll find a replacement for your ungrateful ass.

–         I’m such a temptress!

–         And that is one SEXAY SEXAY man!!

–         Right on! His neck may be a bit thicker though.  He is chubby lol

–         It was hot. I can see why they acted on it.

–         I might have to run up n hump his leg like a stray pup

–         Dats cute

–         I know!! Please try n refrain from touching

–         Way to rub it in mom!

–         Please pardon me…I should not neglect you so.

–         I couldn’t get near that chick. She was like a ninja

–         I don’t know him yet..but he’s about to be my new baby daddy

–         Hey baby

–         Ohhhh me to!!!! Super sad…however, if you let (…) or whatever Mr Midget Face name is get his midget groove on with u…we could go for free!

–         Awesome!!! That’s being a good sport!! Remove that bahoodie guard n let that mini people sex god have his way.

–         Oh my he looks Chinese

–         Damn, that sounded DIRTY!

–         And a yappy little fucker?

–         So what if the boy is home. Cant u 2 get nasty quietly?

–         That’s fucked up

–         Ugh!  I just gagged!!!

–         I know its naughty

–         Lets get drunk and go dildo shopping HAHA

–         Where are you mommy?

–         I still like the dildo for her tho!

–         I think so… n u can so share ur stuff with me

–         I do that a lot

–         bad bad girls!!!

–         Just wish I could get the dirty store out of my brain. You naughties!  The fire hydrant looking thing was something else!

–         I so wanted that…

–         Alrighty, madre.

–         Ha ha!! Beat him with it! Say stop it don’t touch don’t touch don’t touch

–         Hahahahahahaha!! All I can think of is that GIANT scary toy n butt plugs…Look out (…), (…)’s gonna SHARE!

–         I hurt

–         Ha ha ha ha!  Thanks, friend.  Just what I always wanted!

–         Okay I’m excited!!!

–         Ha ha!! No!!!! I told him that u were a good girl n wanted a chin vibrator!!!

–         WHAT THE HELL!!  So that is what a dickhead looks like!! Haha

–         Rubbers?

–         Ummm what is that? It looks like a turkey with abs in a santa suit

–         Sounds strangely dirty..yet also innocent at the same time.

–         How about a box of penis suckers?

–         How fabulous is that!!!!

–         I like it!!

–         All the genitalia is drawn. That’s how the names are written.

–         Ha ha shut up!! Does ur shit say that??

–         I know it could make us bazillionaires!! We R goin to be way more fun n adventurous than Jackass.

–         Yes, but we can make it happen! Think of how much fun it will be in a total redneck hillbilly bar! We will each have more teeth than everyone else in the bar put together!

–         Ha ha!!  I feel like hummin to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies… not quite sure why exactly haha!

–         Oh man drive fast I think I hear the chainsaws from here

–         What’s that spelling? Is that Kentucky for Christmas?

–         Just dropped toothpaste cap in dad’s teeth water n didn’t throw up. I must be getg ghettofied!

–         We will & will be dirt cheap! Just gas money & dive motels!  Will be a riot

–         That’s how I roll.

–         We r in hell friend!  This place is nuts!

–         The world is ending…I just know it!  People R losing their minds!

–         REVOLT!

–         I’ll crack

–         Haha! I hate that too…breathing makes me crazy too!

–         Nope, haven’t forgotten…but insanity by genetics is a great excuse for when we get uncharacteristically fucking bonkers!!

–         Yes I need help with that!  No crazy asses permitted beyond this point!

–         All she needs is a little special ed helmet

–         Sharpie

–         I’m a math genius

–         U R tard!

–         And make sure you wipe me good!

–         Wash em wash em wash em EWWWW EWWWWW  EWWWWW!!

–         Um, no.  Def not. No (…)s No (…) No nasty asses.  No clean asses.  No asses at all.

–         MEAN ASS!!!!!!

–         Maybe. But not a smelly ass.

–         I can find the ass on my own just fine…thanks tho

–         Now I’m in traffic. Chick next to us looks just like Gilda Radner! It’s like SNL day, only with assholes

–         I bet u do!!  Ass!!!!

–         Yep, & also an assy personality

–         Apparently you get your assiness from your daddy

–         What kinda meds…beer…poker…and ass?

–         I took that a long time ago

–         Are you on drugs again?  Who is Clover?

–         Don’t forget my drugs!

–         I think they did haha!! I got my wax on today n u got ur rufies on haha!

–         We R a walking talking pharmacy

–         Im bringing excedrin n my nerve pills…ya just never know haha!

–         Now I have munchies. I’m in the druggie club!

–         Perfect biz op for you…Advertise on craigslist & charge stoners $5 to come eat your chips!!

–         Haha!!  Got munchies?  Got chips!

–         No we don’t need milk or bread…Chips  We will survive on chips!!!

–         I  know. Did I tell u they brought us 14 bags of chips last night??

–         BUY SOME FOR ME!  My weave just fell out

–         That’s awesome!  I wanna go cuz I need some new weave!

–         That’s so funny!!! It was the rubbers on ur fingers n ur furry monster I just seen that text! Not sure how I missed that one

–         It is fun!! Maybe after winter u could give it a shave or a trim…hairy beast is frightful!! Haha

–         Hahahaha!!! What is that?? Does it talk? Walk? Breathe?  It’s awfully hairy! I think it may need to wax!

–         haha!! Add her!! I got my first wax today i had (…) laughin so hard that shit hurts I yelled

–         Ummm my hair doer girl talked me into it. I do not recommend that shit at all! Holy piss

–         I shaved mine too n I had no issues now I’m all red n swollen my eyes look like I’m a puffer monster.

–         Not my happy place!! I do shave that I got my brows waxed!! OMG!!!!!

–         I would be tempted to braid it if mine was like that!! That sounds bad, huh?

–         Now that’s just not even nice.

–         Haha! Well as long as u love her that’s all that matters!!

–         Mullets rnt as out as u think. Just saw a whole fam of mullets @ Wallyworld

–         Mullets @ Big Lots 2

–         And has a MULLET! Who wants to hang w mullet man? Not me, my friend. Not me.

–         We’re way cooler than any dude w a mullet. I’m just sayin’

–         Wallyworld is the only place they still exist.  That store is MADE for mullets

–         If a zombie apocalypse happens, we’re taking over WallyWorld. They have entertainment, food, & an endless supply of places to sleep.

–         Too bad you can’t hear this radio station!  You are an expert on this topic! Its about taking pictures of random people in funny clothes or situations!  Lol

–         Yep. Shoes with toes.  Funky!!

–         There’s nothing worse than sloppy chewers n heavy breathers!

–         I think that being a mouth breather and smelling bad is a double whammy and its a double whammy for me too because I have to sit by this girl

–         Cube troll is sucking & slurping all over an apple. WTF? So nauseating.

–         Queezy tummy girl joing us now. Btr not poop her pants!

–         Crap. Isn’t she potty trained? Nasty!

–         Well, she IS Republican

–         Dammit there it goes

–         He IS sperm.

–         I’m sitting in your basement.

–         Creeper even in your dreams!!!

–         The force is with me today.  My superpowers are strong.

–         Who’s wonder woman?

–         Dude, have you not met me?

–         I’m halfway between the equator & the north pole!

–         Hahahaha relax woman!

–         Dammit, you’re ruining all my fun!!

–         Blah blah blah…all this abuse is creating too much stress…

–         No…cheap bastard

–         Ha ha I’m sitting here!

–         Liar

–         Dammit

–         If I can’t have my way…I’ll just have to hold my breath

–         I want meatloaf!

–         So rude.  Let’s have meatloaf for Thanksgiving!

–         When are we eating bitch..I’m hungry

–         Bite me, fucker.  You’ll eat when I tell you it’s ready.

–         Back to my question…Bitch, where’s my hassenfeffer?!

–         You make it easy for those of us that must deal with you on a regular basis..to wish you would roll over a bed of tacks sometimes..and I don’t know why..we still love you.

–         Oh I bet u will!! I’m gonna call u scary the singing band manager. I can’t remember our band name. I think I’m so tired I’m not sure I’m remembering much.

–         Nah! I’m super nice

–         Logical…Totally insensitive…but logical

–         ???

–         Haha…then sparkley sunny skies n moonbeams will be just part of ur office lingo…Just do it!  Its fun!

–         Make up special sayings that only u know the meanings to n say them.  It will bring satisfaction.  My computer is so beautiful today it shines like a starlit sky.

–         Does that say strawberry manilow?

–         (…) liked her belly button cleaner n momma like bobblehead jesus

–         Maybe we will have to make a poster to hang in the window!  Tonight is midget wrestling!

–         If my elbow became injured..and I needed to go to the hospital..would u come home then?

–         I win. Or lose. Fuck

–         Well it’s like this. The combine out back damn near took my arm off @ the elbow..the sore one!!! The rag I have tied around it has the bleeding under control for the moment. 911 has been notified

–         But I’M BLEEDING!!!! Have you no compassion?

–         Im laughin so hard I can’t breathe!!

–         Oh my god u did not!!! Im goin to puke from laughing…quit it!!

–         Stop it!!

–         I’m not lol ing!

–         Don’t get a big head there, friend.  Mostly because it’d look ridiculous after having such a pinny lil Beetlejuice head for so long.

–         I can’t get a big head.  Beetle, remember?

–         Yes, yes I do. You’re lucky or I’d be running so very far from you all right now

–         Hmmm…true. But doesn’t his head balloon for a few secs after that? Been a while, maybe I just made that up.

–         Thanks for clearing that up. Your comment made no sense to me.

–         What? I don’t know what that means (seriously)

–         Hahaha I know. I’m good with that

–         Everyone else will be checking in. Except your mom, but she’s a bitch.

* In case you don’t remember from the previous text posts, (…) means I took out the name to protect the not-so-innocent.

If you’re new to my blog, thanks for stopping by!  Hopefully, you don’t have a mullet or an abnormal amount of pubic hair.  If  you do… well, sorry if I offended you.  Okay… no, I’m really not.  Try some grooming, man!   I will tell you that these texts are both incoming & outgoing, & I never tell which.  So, maybe this isn’t the best way for you to get to know me.  Stick around a while & browse.  Hopefully, I won’t scare you away 🙂

Also, nobody was harmed in the making of this text list.   Just thought I should throw that out there so you didn’t contact the authorities.