Bonesy's Blahg

Girl-Cation!!

So, I somehow let almost 2 months go by without a blog post.  Again.  I knew I hadn’t been writing anything, and several people even mentioned it to me.  Sometimes I just need a nudge or 5 to pull me out of my rut & get me back to the keyboard.  This time, I’ll blame the holidays & my kids.  (They didn’t really do anything to drive me into writer’s block.  I just blame them for everything.)  Also, I was busy planning the fabulous girl-cation I was taking (Which is the point of this post.  Don’t worry; I’ll get there!).

Now, about that trip… This may get all disjointed & out of order.  There is so much to tell & I tend to digress.  Sorry in advance!  (See?  Even I know I can go all ADD & lose myself in another direction.)

Did you ever have one of those experiences where you wouldn’t change one second of whatever it had been you just went through?  Maybe not everything went according to plan, but even the miscues created fabulous memories. Somehow, the stars all aligned just right & became something to remember, cherish, & laugh about for a lifetime.  That was this trip for me.  So here’s where my story begins.  This might be a good time for you to grab a cup of coffee; you’re probably going to be here a while.  Its okay, we’ll wait……………

It all started with a phone call a couple of months ago.  My friend Kris called & said “I know you’ll probably say no, because it’s so close to Christmas… But what do you think about a road trip to see Joan Jett in Miami?”  My thought process went something like “Road Trip!  Joan Jett!! Joan Jett!!!  JOAN FUCKING JETT!!!!”   But Responsible Me kicked Immature Me’s ass & what I SAID was “no.”  The concert was literally just a few days before Christmas, I have a Duggar-like giant family, & a tenuous job situation.  A long weekend road trip was not in my plans or my budget.

While I was dragging my feet, other friends had jumped on-board.  So, it quickly became much more than a concert! It was a chance to reconnect with some of the most fabulous women I know, and a much bigger draw than I could walk away from.  I HAD to go, regardless of what Responsible Me (or my family) thought about it.   Besides, Responsible Me is a bitch.  (But not you, Family… Just Responsible Me.)

So, in mid-December, four of us ditched our families (and Responsible Selves) & made a pilgrimage to revel at the feet of the original rock goddess!  (Actually, as it turns out, only one of us truly reveled at JJ’s feet, but I’ll get to that later.)  We took off in a rental car with Running Man, a Joan Jett Barbie, and a “Bad Girls Need a Good Licking!” sign in the window (What?  It was an impulse purchase!) I’m sure there were some truckers wondering just what the hell we were up to.

Bad Girls Need a Good Rental

You find out some really odd stuff about people when you travel together, no matter how well you think you know them.  For example, Cindy sleeps with one eye open.  Kelly can fall asleep sitting straight up, hands folded politely in her lap.  (Creepy as fuck, both of them!) Kris falls asleep faster than any other person on the planet, hands down.  As for me, whatever I was dreaming caused me to burst into song.   Since I can’t get any of the girls to tell me exactly what I was singing without bursting into laughter, I get to make something up.  So I’ll go with some mad combo of “Sweet Transvestite” from Rocky Horror & “Chim Chim Cheree” from Mary Poppins.    (What?  Don’t judge.) I should probably also tell you that Kelly travels like a mental health patient on a field trip.  She wore pajamas every time we drove!  So we’d get out of the car for gas, coffee, ocean frolicking, whatever…and she’s wearing pjs & black Ugg-style boots, with a wild-ass bird nest of hair.

Since I’m an insomniac who requires Ambien to sleep, I missed out on a huge chunk of the drive down there.  But apparently, our GPS (Bonita Ramona Sue Jean – she’s a bitch) took us on a scenic path through the mountains of West Virginia during a blizzard, rather than the straight shot down I77.  Also, at one point, they thought we were chasing a train…when in reality we were RACING a train to the crossing.  I’m here to tell the story, so apparently we won.  Yay, us!

Between Kelly’s asylum style, Kris’ do-rag, Cindy’s window licking, & my drugs (which I do have prescriptions for, just didn’t bring the  bottles), we looked like a rolling band of tweaking rodeo clowns.  Good thing we didn’t get pulled over for anything.  We would have SO wound up in some hillbilly jail.

Roughly 20 hours after taking off, we finally hit a beach near Tampa.  I’ll just say that you’d be amazed how immature a bunch of 40 year old women can be when there’s water around.

Kris, the hunchback goon, chasing asylum escapee Kelly.

Me, Kelly, Kris, & Cindy - Tampa Honorary Lifeguards. Actually, they were just happy we stopped frightening the children.

So, to sum up our drive, we’ve had a car full of drugs, looked like asylum escapees on a field trip, freaked out some truck drivers, taken a “Wrong Turn” style detour, got lost on a mountain in a blizzard, raced a train, then washed all our sins (& probably more than a little funk) away in the Gulf.

We didn’t stay at the beach long, though.  We were spending a night with a friend who lives in Plant City, Rena.  She has an uber-cool  family of skateboarders and ROCK STARS!  Her husband, Andy, looks JUST like Iggy Pop!  He even MOVES like Iggy, holding his arms out away from his body & bumping his hip out, then dipping his head so he can flip his hair back.   The similarities were amazing!  And Rena’s youngest son, Logan, spent the night serenading & entertaining us with some great stories.

And that house!!  It was a maze, kind of like the Winchester Mansion, if the Winchester Mansion were about 1800 square feet. There were rooms on top of rooms, beside rooms, around rooms… Um, LOVED IT!!  Every time I opened a door, it was like a challenge.  How fabulous is that?  SO FABULOUS!!  Even better?  A drunk trap!  We were staying in a huge bedroom that had a door to the outside.  Only you had to be careful, because there was a big step down just on the other side of the doorway.  Then one giant step UP to the patio, effectively creating a concrete trough…OR a just a trap for drunks like us! (I say “drunks like us” only because it sounds better than “a drunk like me.”  Truthfully, these chicks don’t drink very much.  Nope.  Their brand o’ crazy is all natural!  Scary, I know.)

Okay, back to our bedroom.  It was pretty big & had several beds in it.  Good thing, because we had like 10 people crammed in there, as one giant, middle-aged slumber party! I can honestly say that was the best sleepover of my life.    The smoke was so thick it made people look like they were in a cloud.  It was like a Cheech & Chong movie, where they open a door & the smoke just rolls out.  (Sorry, I can’t remember a specific movie that was in.  Does it matter, though?  Didn’t think so.)   At one point, someone dropped a cigarette & caught the comforter on fire!!  (Nothing major, just maybe a lighter-sized flame)  Kelly smacked it out pretty quick, so no real damage was done.  But dudes… our bed was ON FIRE!

Me, Jenn, & Kelly

So now we’ve had a car full of drugs, hung out with Iggy Pop and his family in the Winchester Mansion, looked like asylum escapees, freaked out some truckers, made a “Wrong Turn” style detour in a blizzard, narrowly escaped death by train, baptized ourselves in the Gulf, & had our bed catch on fire.

Kelly, Me, Kris, Rena, & Cindy. Nope, no evil here.

In the morning, we headed to Denny’s for breakfast.  It seems like an odd location, but this is where the most heart-breakingly beautiful moments of our trip took place.  You see, our friend Rena has been sick for quite a while.  This  trip may have started as a mindless girl-cation to see Joan Jett,  but the chance to see Rena made the trip.  Anyway, Kris had found a heart-shaped stone in her garden last summer.  She didn’t tell any of us, but she brought that rock with her on the trip.  It was offered to Rena as a gift from the earth, honoring her Native American ancestry and her friendship.   We each held the rock and spoke a few words both to and about Rena and the powers of friendship, love, and faith.  The idea was to transfer our positive energy to the stone before handing it off to Rena, in the hopes that she could take the energy and love transferred to find that strength when her own reserves are low. It was a breathtakingly poignant moment that will be cherished forever. 

By now, we were cutting it a little short on time.  We were 4 hours from Miami, with plans to find a nice motel and get ready for the concert.  We said our goodbyes at the restaurant, with plans for Rena and Cindy to catch up with us at the casino just before show time.  Unfortunately, they never made it.  Rena fell not long after making it home from Denny’s and was unable to make the trip.  Luckily, she wasn’t injured too badly, but the trip was out of the question.

So we set the GPS (Bonita Ramona Sue Jean, did I mention she’s a bitch?) to find the casino.  The problem was, the casino was just built & Bonita Ramona Sue Jean (that BITCH!) hadn’t been updated since Kieran got it.  So there was no way of looking it up!  When I put in the address, it said no addresses are available.  GAH!  Also, nobody spoke English!  So when we tried to get directions, we couldn’t!  We wound up wandering around the outskirts of Miami, until we found an address Bonita Ramona Sue Jean (she’s such a slacker BITCH!!) could find.  Only that address took us WAY outside of town, kind of in the middle of nowhere.  We could see a building off in the distance & someone said it looked pretty casino-ish… No.  It was a PRISON!  Bonita Ramona Sue Jean (who is a bitch, by the way) had literally directed us to prison.  (I’m thinking she had heard about the drugs & asylum escape & ratted us out.) That NARC BITCH!

So now we’ve had a car full of drugs, hung out with Iggy Pop and his family in the Winchester Mansion, looked like asylum escapees, freaked out some truckers, made a “Wrong Turn” style detour in a blizzard, narrowly escaped death by train, baptized ourselves in the Gulf, had our bed catch on fire, & gone to prison.

We managed to get back to the general area we thought the casino would be in, then I searched Bonita Ramona Sue Jean for a motel.  Bitch led us to the skankiest motel in town!  On the way there, though, we passed the casino!!

FINALLY!!!

Turns out, we were way off base originally, but had stumbled our way to the right neighborhood…  Which was like Cuban Harlem.  Kris & I go into the office (Kelly was hiding in the backseat, so we wouldn’t have to pay for an extra person) of the dive motel & ask the foreign manager guy for the room.  He wouldn’t hand her keys, but led us out of the office & over to the right door…  Then told us to wait on the sidewalk while he went in.  Curious.  He goes to the back of the room, and then turns into a little area that’s out of our sight.  Kris steps in & he yells at us to get out!  Um, WTF dude?!  Then he goes back to that area for a few seconds, then back into the main room, fiddles with the cable box on top of a dresser, & turns on the tv.  THEN he hands us the keys.

By now, I had to pee so incredibly bad!  So Kris went out to start unloading the car alone.  The manager was nosing around our car & saw Kelly in the back.  She pretended to be asleep & he didn’t really say much (probably because he didn’t know the English words) …but demanded Kris move the car over ONE parking space.  There were only maybe 8 parking spaces in this tiny lot & very little room to maneuver between the rows.  I saw it happen & was cracking up, since the guy totally busted us, so went back into the room so he wouldn’t see me laughing.  I’m in there for a few minutes, trying to get hold of myself before I go to check what’s taking them so long…  Which is when I see Kris kneeling down beside a Mercedes convertible, checking out the damage!  She had hit another “guest’s” car while backing out.  It was some guy who looked like Johnny Depp & was from Guatemala or Ecuador or Portugal or Venezuela or something…  Who said he was from New Jersey, but drove a car with Rhode Island plates…and didn’t want the police called, just wanted money.  $500 for some minor fender damage!  Now Kris is completely freaked out!!  Kelly went in to get a shower & Kris needed me to go to the ATM with her, since it was such a bad neighborhood.  While she’s making a withdrawal (could only get $400), I’m keeping a lookout.  There were SO many gang-bangers & just rough looking people it was like a movie!  Then Kelly calls my cell, screaming frantically that the door won’t deadbolt, & she can hear people just outside of it.  Turns out, the only lock on the door that worked was a bathroom door type lock that can be opened fairly easily.  GAH!!!  Now I have Kelly freaked that we left her alone to shower in a skeevy motel w dealers & pimps.  (She’s had the worst luck for the past many years & doesn’t deal well with stress or scary situations AT ALL!  I hadn’t thought of that when Kris & I left her, but there’s not really much I could do anyway).  So we rush back there & I try to calm Kelly down, then Kris & I go have a talk with our new Guatemalan/Ecuadoran/Venezuelan/Portuguese friend.

She tried to explain to him that the ATM had a $400 limit, so that’s all she could get.  He got all kinds of agitated & was demanding the $500, no matter what.   We wound up pooling our money so she could pay him off, then I made him sign a receipt.  Kelly wouldn’t shower unless we were in the room, so she waited inside (like I said, she can’t deal with angry or stressful situations) until we got back.  She hits the shower, & that’s when Kris & I finally get to thinking about the room.  We come to the conclusion that it’s probably rigged with cameras, though we couldn’t find them.  I think the skeevy owner saw Kris & I walk in together & made an assumption & thought he’d get some good girl-on-girl footage.  Creep.  We didn’t mention anything to Kelly, since she was already so freaked out & was the only one who had dropped trou at that point.

Anyway, we made it to the concert & Kris finally settled down when it kicked off.  She LOVES Joan Jett, so I knew that’s kinda what it would take.  That & a couple drinks did the trick.  I’d never seen her SO wired like that!  It’s definitely not her normal fun, hyper personality.  (She had the hyper down, but she was NOT having any fun during that shakedown!)  Kris & I had great seats, kinda center stage & near the front of the amphitheater.  Kelly, Cindy, & Rena bought their tickets later, so were further back & on another level.  Well, with Cindy & Rena unable to make the trip, this left Kelly having to sit alone!  So Kris & I went in together, then I took Kris’ ticket up to Kelly & she came in with me.  Luckily, nobody sat down during the concert, so we got away with it. (Because we’re  BRILLIANT!!!)  Concert was fab & I got the whole thing on tape (including Kris’ breakaway trip to the front row to revel at the feet of The Goddess…and her subsequent eviction from that seat, which we’re pretty sure The Goddess also caught!).  They didn’t check bags, so I got both my regular camera & camcorder in.  Great seats + great zoom on camcorder = GREAT, close-up video!  SCORE!!

Kelly, me, & Kris

So now we’ve had a car full of drugs, hung out with Iggy Pop and his family in the Winchester Mansion, looked like asylum escapees, freaked out some truckers, made a “Wrong Turn” style detour in a blizzard, narrowly escaped death by train, baptized ourselves in the Gulf, slept in a burning bed, gone to prison, were videotaped by a creepy foreign voyeur with a girl-on-girl fetish, crashed into a Mercedes, got shaken down by a Guatemalan drug dealer, stole both a $55 seat AND a $100 seat to a FAB concert, & then illegally videotaped it!

After the show, we went into the casino.  I told the girls that I needed to gamble $10, but no more.  If I win, great.  If I lose, no biggie.  We were going to meet up with this chick named Ashley who was doing a shoot to remake JJ’s “French Song” video to put up on YouTube.  By the time Kris got ahold of Ashley, though, she (Ashley) had already finagled her way backstage & had met JJ!  SO JEALOUS!!!   The video shoot was cancelled & we were out of luck.  The good news is, I had turned my $10 into $64.  The bad news is, Kelly continued her streak of bad luck (lost all of her money)… and we never met up with Ashley or JJ.

Me, Kelly, & Kris - With a snagged set list!

By now, the casino was losing interest & we decided to hit a club downtown to blow off some steam before heading back to our pervy skank motel.  But, the only ones we could find were either too highbrow or too skeevy.  So we tried to find a gay bar, thinking that would be a safe alternative to what we had found thus far.  No luck!  How is it possible that downtown Miami has NO gay bars?  Seriously???  We wound up heading back to the motel, then took a walk to find some food.  Only we’re staying in such a bad area, nothing stays open after dark!  NOT KIDDING!!!  We’re talking bars-on-windows, gang tags on buildings bad.  We had to get back in the car & drive to a suburban Denny’s at 2 am.

At Denny’s, we stumbled into a drunken conversation about sex, vibrators, etc…  While a table of 20-something guys listened behind us.  We knew they were dipping, but thought it was funny they tried to play it so cool.  By the time we got back to the motel, it was 3 am & we were exhausted.  We decided Kris & I would sleep in the bed closest to the door.  That way if anyone broke in, there would be two of us to head off the attack.  Kelly slept in the other bed, in a little area by the bathroom.   We’re getting ready for bed, I pulled back the comforter … and found a hair on my pillow.  Kris starts gagging again (told you she has a strong gag reflex!!) & we once again use our own pillows & blankets.

New summary… We’ve had a car full of drugs, hung out with Iggy Pop & his family in the Winchester Mansion, in a burning bed, got lost on a WV mountain in a near-blizzard, narrowly escaped death by train, freaked out some truckers, washed our sins away in the Gulf, are incredibly sleep deprived, looked like asylum escapees, went to prison, were videotaped by a creepy voyeur with a girl-on-girl fetish, crashed into a Mercedes, got shaken down by a Guatemalan drug dealer who looked just like Johnny Depp, stole both $55 AND  $100 seats, illegally videotaped a FAB concert, made a bunch of kids horny over our sex talk & vibrator preferences, & slept in an unclean bed next to a red chair with mysterious white stains on it.

The next day, we got up & hit the road.  We had had enough of Miami, & I’m pretty sure Miami was done with us.  We hung out at Lantana beach for a while, playing in the ocean in our clothes & collecting shells.

Me & Kelly, playing in the water.

Hit the road again, & went back to Cocoa Beach, where we all hung out last May!  We did some “real” shopping, and then hit up the Adult Emporium next to our shady motel from that trip (Fawlty Towers).  We didn’t buy anything, but spent a lot of time embarrassing Kris & laughing over the different options.  Dudes…we found a vibrator with a head strap!  Basically, you strap it on your head & it gives your chin a dick.  Funniest damn thing!

More shopping, then we hit the road to come home.  Cindy flew home, since she had to be at work Monday.  So we never saw her again after leaving her at Rena’s.  The ride home was SO much fun… at least for SOME of us.  I had taken my Ambien, but those bitches kept waking me up.  They would sing John Denver songs in these godawful falsetto voices, put the windows down to freeze me out, or drive for miles blaring the horn to “scare away the deer.”  This went on for HOURS!!!  (And spawned our new choir, The Katerwaulers.  CDs in stores soon!!)

Kris & Kelly, the early days of The Katerwaulers

Final summary… We had lots of drugs in our car, hung out with Iggy Pop & his family in the Winchester Mansion, got lost on a WV mountain in a near-blizzard, narrowly escaped a crushing death by train, freaked out some truckers, washed our sins away in the Gulf, looked like asylum escapees, went to prison, were videotaped by a creepy voyeur with a girl-on-girl fetish, crashed into a Mercedes, got shaken down by Guatemalan Johnny Depp, stole expensive seats, illegally videotaped a FAB concert, whipped a bunch of kids into a horny frenzy in Denny’s, slept in an unclean bed next to a red chair with mysterious white stains on it, shopped for vibrators, frolicked in the ocean while fully clothed, had a wet t-shirt contest, and are incredibly sleep deprived due to all of the above.

There was never a dull moment, & this was more fun than any 40 year old should expect.  And, we can’t wait to do it all again!  Though maybe next time we’ll skip the pervs and filth mongers.

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January 8, 2011 - Posted by | Advice, Confession, Friends

4 Comments »

  1. What a WONDERFUL recollection of girl-cation!! I am SOOOoooo beyond grateful for being able to share this experience with you guys!!! I had the time of my life!!! I can’t wait to see how future girl-cation’s go…regardless THIS ONE will always be remembered as THE BEST!! Hopefully, they let me out of the mental ward long enough to go on future trips…my jamma’s & I – we are READY TO GO!!!!

    Comment by Kelly | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • I sure hope so! This was the best adventure yet. Can’t wait to see what the future holds for our lil fun posse. If the mental ward doesn’t give you a pass, we’ll just break you out. It’ll be like sneaking out your bedroom window all over again!

      Comment by bonesysblahg | January 9, 2011 | Reply

  2. Wow this is my first visit to your blog, and I think this post was probably the best intro ever!! I feel like I know you and your road-trip crew now!!
    Also? I laughed my butt off!

    Comment by leafprobably | January 9, 2011 | Reply

    • LOVE THAT!! The best part?! It’s all true & it all took place over one long weekend. That’s just how we roll. Thanks for stopping by!

      Comment by bonesysblahg | January 9, 2011 | Reply


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