Bonesy's Blahg

Things In My Text Box

Yes, I do know it’s only been a few days since my last text update.  But dammit, if I don’t get these typed right away they pile up like Chinese stacking people & take FOREVER to sort through!  Besides, I have it on good authority that these are my best posts.  Really, I think my kids just like to see their texts in print.

-She looks like a crackhead stripper who’s not talented enough to strip IN the ghetto bar & instead does her act in the alley behind the bar.  Next to the dumpster.  And her bar is really just a broken umbrella.

-Need to convert newly empty bedroom into pole dancing studio. Mine’s not big enough.  I hit my feet on the dresser.  Not sexy!

-You should put a stripper pole in your bedroom too.

-OK maybe, but have you seen my coordination skills?  None.  Plus (name deleted to protect the blushing husband) would get embarrassed & close his eyes.

-My lap dancing skills are lacking.  I’ve got the pole dancing down, though.

-I need practice in it all.  I’m coloring today at work, though.  I have that down.

-Hold on a minute…condom club?  What the hell??

– I push “no,” but get mama some free condoms for xmas.

– Noticed pedophile (name deleted to protect the rights of a sick bastard) commented on post about baby.  Bet he loves babies.

-He jumped right on that brownie thing.  Creeper.

-Nope.  Creepy cousins never get a clue.

-Maybe it hurts to be ugly.

-Kinda like if Mr. Clean & Charlie Brown had a love child.

– More like if Mr. Clean & Charlie Brown had a threesome with Dumbo’s mama & she somehow got knocked up  by both.

– Crush him, then carry his oily remnants around in a jar as a warning to other men.

– Also, if they say anything, tell them it’s customer service week, so it’s all about the celebration of you.  Tomorrow will be Patty Cake Wednesday.

– I’m goin for the front ponytail.  I think that’s nice.

– That’s a fabulous look for you, especially on Leisure Suit Wednesday.

– And how did that go over?  You should be the most popular chick in the office.  Or get some paid time off for mental distress.  Either/or.

– Fuck her.  No really, fuck her.  Then you can get the crazy time off PLUS $ for sexual harassment. SCORE!!

– Dude, you fucked your way into a promotion!! That’s awesome!

– OK I cannot type without glasses & with 3 beers in me.  My arms aren’t long enough!

– Pic last night was a blow up lobster with a bib.  I was a little tipsy & made a wrong turn trying to stumble my way back into the bar…Right into the freaky lobster display!

– Creepy little fucker’s googly eyes in the shadowed, HAUNTED hall gave me the willies.

– Fat people have short arms.  Use your jab.

– Her fat could knock me out if she even moved from just swinging.  I’ll need a bulldozer for her.  Any ideas where I can find one cheap?

– This is just ridiculous.  I think I should teach these people a lesson.  Jumping them should be sufficient, but if this chick sat on me, I’d die.

– Also, I’m sitting on a bus next to a woman who is so fat she takes up 2 ½ seats.

–  And now a guy standing in front of me is wearing an explorer kind of hat with tennis shoes, jeans & a corduroy jacket.  WHAT IS GOING ON??

– If anyone shows up in a bunny costume, RUN!!

– Msg: I’m making $11/hr to make paperclip trains.

– I told you I was gonna put him to work.  Want me to knock the ladder over…You know, accidental-like?

– I don’t know where that b came from…But when I saw it, I liked it, so I left it there.  And ooohhhh became ooohhhhB.

– No, it’s me.  I’m retarded 2day.  But just 2day.

– You know I love you…but you’re kinda stupid, aren’t you?

– I’m in awe.  Also, I’m impressed they give you so many markers to color with, yet don’t let you color.  That’s just a challenge.

– Hahaha I can have pasties?  That’s exactly what I’ve been missing in my work wardrobe!  Maybe they’ll give me a raise.  Or some paid time off for my mental health.  Either/or.

– SHUT UP!!! Or I’ll boil you…

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October 5, 2010 - Posted by | Advice, Confession, Friends, Kids, Textersations, Work

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