Things In My Text Box

I think I’ve mentioned that my “Things In My Text Box” posts are my most popular. I get asked about new ones a lot. The thing is, it takes a REALLY long time to put these together! They’re not actual conversations…usually. So there’s a lot of copying & sorting that goes on behind the scenes… proof that just about any conversation can sound dirty if you cut it up and piece it in with other posts.

- So you like my new moves?  I got 57% off my bellydancing lessons from Groupon!

- (…) laughed.  It was fun, though maybe some wine next time wouldn’t hurt.

- Dude…we’re hung!

- It’s as big as my head.

- Yep. And she’s one big bitch!

- Sock Monkey is happy to see you.

- Dude, does he have a wad in his mouth?

- That was quick.

- Mmm… Tasty knockers.

- She ordered lickers today.

- Eater?
- I tend to stop talking when I eat it.

- Just say O.

- Is that a peeperdink in plastic?

- No, a popsicle…but I bet the peeperdink would taste better.  Although would make me hotter, so prob not in my best interest in the office today.

- Like the ass shot with her latex hole?

- Better, but still pretty stiff.

- So now what? How are you gonna afford the trip & a tranny?

- Good point. Guess I’ll stick to Nekkid Baby.

- It’s PEDO DAY!

- Pedo day is over & you said last one 2 pics ago!

- I’m sorry. Want to ride in my car?

- Don’t make me drown your baby in a bucket.  Society frowns on that.

- Yeah really! Especially the boys!  The ugly baby just doesn’t stand a chance in life, but at the freak tent.

-  (…)’s toes are conjoined. Doesn’t it make you want to rip them apart?

- Just left calling hours. It was like a circus! They had a midget, a guy in a coon tail hat, soldiers, a gigantic fat lady, an oldie with a trach box, and a dude in holy sweat pants.

- All you need is a midget to complete the circle of weird.  God luck!

- I just figured that’s the only reason you would execute one of your beloved circus midgets! lol

- I’m gonna guess that midget is getting the death penalty because he tried to escape?

- Decided to be merciful & just put him in solitary, huh? lol

- Just be glad it’s not you being hung, stapled, or guillotined today.

- He was a little creepy there, stapled to the gate.

- Find her yet?

- hahaha Did you catch him? Those little fuckers are fast!

- Bitch is like a ninja.  A super short, squatty ninja.

- Asians can’t be trusted.

- Persia in his testicles?

- Will not feel manhood.

- How does it feel…cupcake?

- Feels like I married a man who can’t spell.  Good thing you’re good in bed.

- Can u feel ky pain?

- No, KY usually helps to avoid pain.

- I bet! Also, your ass is totally gonna hurt.

- With a little eu de ass grease mixed in?  FABULOUS!!!

- But I did a wicked high kick to get his juicy lil ass. You’d have been proud! And (…) would start getting ideas.

- He keeps moving.  I’ll try again!

- lol Fanny pack

- Gosh I love 5 guys too, but I don’t make an afternoon of it.

- You’re doing 5 guys & letting my boy watch?  Shameless!!

- Yep, but so good…Esp the Cajun.

- WWJD

- Ur son is on!!  Dirty bitch!!

- Getting’ your Debby Boone on this morning, eh?

- I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that I was clearly drunk @ the time.

- SCORE!  Little blurry, though.  Have you been drinking?  Have I?

- Sorry if I make no sense right now, I am drunk texting….lol

- Did you let those Republican bastards get you drunk?

- Um, no.  But that would make election day FABULOUS!

- And only wish I was drunk, instead of @ work, slammed.  But not slammed in a good way.

- There asRd birds filllyiing iin mny rreooM

- ThE delepHanT is allivee I sAw it say Hi

- lol Are you drunk?  Worst grammar I’ve ever seen from you!  Np though.

-  Have you been drinking again?

- Dammit.  Drink more.

- Holy fuck!! Did you become a drunk?!  So proud.

- Wait, no I’m not!!

- Yes I am.

- I get free cocktail plus I’m tellg on pee man

- I got him to snort it.

- Greedy lil bastard ate my vicodin!

- Well then quit being a cheap ass & buy the childproof bottles dammit!

- Holy fuck, I forgot where I left him!

- Good!  Jesus, I need an inhaler & some valium.

- Oh. That’s how I roll.  Dishing out my stash in baggies.

- LMAO Can’t argue with that!

- Good to hear! I’m fucked up…but not in THAT way…just generally speaking

- Believe it or not, I just painted a cat on a wall.

- Real cat?

- Wait, are you SURE it’s the cats? There are a lot of mullets in that room.

- WTF? Driving thru shack country?

- Stupid hillbillies.

- SO surprised they’re Steelers fans!

- Wth is wrong with these people?

-  Bet they like Walmart too, huh?

- Walmart peeps are the best hollerers.

- Who’s f’ing idea was that?  Idiots!

- Hope he tries to do the electric by himself. We’ll have one less asshole in the world. SCORE!!

- I’m starting to like it more & more as I talk to you!

- I’m so tired my head could be asleep & the rest of me could be moving. Does that even make sense? Probably not! Its my fingers moving my head is napping.

- haha Well, as long as your fingers are moving, work has to pay you.  It’s like a law.

- I’ve been stealing Cube Troll’s tissues for a week She walks away & I steal tissues to fill my empty box. She just said “Boy, that box of tissues went really fast!” I lol’d.

- Oh no! Hope u feel better soon! If I was there I would bedazzle your forehead.

- Suddenly, I’m a little glad you’re not here.

- You’re supposed to be working, not being a bitch.

- I get that from my momma!

- Right now I’m watching baseball & being a b-word.

- That’s how I always stand b-word

- Now you’re just being a bitch.

- Dude, (…) broke your toe?  That bitch!

- OMFG.. I’m all comfy on my couch, ready to get my JJ on…when Oprah says “Coming up, Joan Jett…with Miley Cyrus.”  THAT FUCKING BITCH!

- Fucking Oprah ruined it for me.  Also, I’m pretty sure Avril is a moldy-haired robot on crack.

- Wanna see something funny/creepy looking?

- Um, is the dude on the left wearing a white wig? Is that a chick in the center, or another dude in a wig?  WHO ARE THESE PPL?  Are they fucking with you, or do they always look like that?

- You have beautiful new friends.

- Um, Ned = Needy.  I don’t even know anybody named Ned.

- Dammit!  I need to find a new dead guy then!

- Well I have bodies here now…BYOB & a covered dish.

- Dude, I think I just got reverse emphysema!

- Yes. Remind me not to ride with them again.  Also, pray.

- Got it.  Except for the prayer.  If there were a god, he would kill you for spite if I started praying now.

- PRAY, DAMMIT!

- So your deathbed wish is for me to start praying?  Interesting.

- hahaha no prob. Sucks to be me all around.  Something tells me I’ll be on my deathbed someday & bitch will be right beside me going “hahahahahaaaaa. I LOVE IT!”

- Isn’t that the hooker mom?

- Yeah! Her tramp stamp goes halfway up her back.  Don’t ask me how I know that though.

- She’s a whore

- Whatever pays the bills, kid.

- Yay for money!!

- (…) is a lying whore!

- Whorebucket.

- Slutwhistle.

- Trampduster.

- I’m not a ho, mom!

- hahaha that makes SO much more sense

- I’d let you borrow my vibrators, but that’s just wrong.

- My car is a giant vibrator

- Oh. Sounds like a good time. Be careful. You could have taken my Jeep.

- Thanks, but I’m here already. Ride seemed so much shorter w a vibrator. WHO KNEW?!

- That’s how I roll…rubbing it in in my new shirt

- Not sure how I missed this tale of high flyin’ adventure, but love it!

- How come all these cool things happen to you?!

- U shouldn’t! Bad girl!!! And pull ur own damn pork.

- I mean, I don’t do it, I just put on sweats.

- Um…well this would be an awkward convo to have in public.

- Love love love the Thunderpussy

- You should go touch all the people you don’t like!

- Agreed, but not something girly.

- I have a love/hate with mine too.

- Your daughter just said “they want their beef tips in my lady tits!”

- I told them to touch her boobies.

-hahaha and did they?

- She said to back the fuck off.

- Pussies.

- Those are the most luscious looking lips I have ever seen Woo wee!!

- Cute lips! Is he part of the basket?

- Surgical center of vagina

- They must have heard about his super hot mesh undies. Boom chicka bow wow

- Holy fuck, I got sweaty just looking at that!

- It’s not really called Boogie Nights..it’s Boogie…something.  I like BN better. It makes me think of porn star Marky Mark & I am all about that shit!

- Right!! & I would so porn star with marky mark! I’m a practicing nun at the moment but he could make me give up the nun hood.

- Is it still porn if I pay him?

- haha!!  Ummm I’m not sure but if u get to have sex with him who cares?!

- Good point.  What’s a little prostitution between friends? Ok, technically we’re not friends yet…but we COULD be after a little stalking.  And I’d be a VERY good friend to have.

- I agree! Ur the best! I’m not sure about the hooka stuff but friend stuff I know about

- Yeah, I only save my hooka stuff for super hott porn dudes.

- Me too!! I’d be a hooka for that

- Well I HAVE been practicing.

- Republicans love penises.

- Conservative Republicans REALLY love penises…esp the men.

- Our secret.

- I’m not really sure what this is, but it’s not what it looks like.

- It’s not what you’re thinking.

- Oops I am very talented!!

- Love you too! So glad I came…bought some shit, got to hang out, preview of Maude-fit…and church lady’s face during blowjob convo = PRICELESS

- Holy fuck, the world is coming to an end…I heard I was getting a bj tonight

- Crickets

- Fuckers

- haha You just want me to have babies with an OSU athlete

- Well it is an easy way to get tix…other than the pregnancy, labor, delivery, & permanent damage to your girly parts

- You’re right, the tix are all that matter.

- Best picture I could get of my daddy. (realize just how wrong that is)

- Make sure you tell him to come home. Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day & mama has needs.

- Hope she didn’t wake up pregnant & herpified.

- She is a saint! This child needs a good beating.

- I just looked at her & thought really bad thoughts.

- (eye rolling)

- Can you hear my eyes rolling?

- Wow, kinda like being the normal kid in a special needs class.

- I’ve almost drank 36 oz of water already. I have to pee SO BAD but idk where the bathroom is in here. You may be able to call me pee pants after today.

- I would LOVE THAT!!!! Also…keep drinking.

- Stop throwing down that flippin’ wax, y’ fool!

- But it’s just so damn fun watching the old ppl slip & slide!

- It says ur the elderly!!  Oh shit!

-  haha are you doin’ a lil jig? Side looks good, but can’t see the top

- That is topology funny!

-   –l—that’s a middle finger.

- Ha – Please tell me those are (…)’s feet.

- Man Skechers OHHH yeah!

- Phone is small, so looks like a really young superspy holding gun @ his side. Which means he’s obvs not a very good superspy, seeing as how he’s standing in the open, middle of a brick wall & all.

- I just saw a fat guy on a moped.  HILARIOUS

- haha was his fat spilling down the sides like a blubber falls?

- Abt mess undies?

- “I’ll tell you what, I got the diarrhea again.”

- Um, is that spam with corn in it?

-  Bloody waters? SERIOUSLY?!

Yeah, I probably should have quit before the last few.

Show Me

So, here we are more than a month after my last post.  Again.  I’m hoping this isn’t a trend. It’s not like I had a tornado ravage my home, leaving me unable to post.  Nope, I have no excuses or reasons.  I just wasn’t writing.  And, apparently, that actually matters to some people!  WHO KNEW?!!?

Thanks, Mecca, for the nudge.  Looks like I needed it.

So, speaking of tornadoes, I’m starting to wonder if Fate took the term “Show-Me State” as a challenge.

Seriously… Missouri?!  Why pick on Missouri?  I’ve been through that state & I’m here to tell ya, there is not much there.

(So wrong…but as I wrote that, my first thought was “Even less now.”  *sigh*  I don’t mean to be mean, it’s just how my brain works!)

So, there’s not much in Missouri… other than the Nicest People On The Planet.  Yes, that’s an official title.  On two separate occasions, I have been at my most ridiculously low point…and both times I was found & bailed out by Missourians.  Okay, not officially “bailed out.”  That just sounds bad.

Let me explain.

Many years ago, when my husband got out of the military, we decided to head home to the Midwest.  (In retrospect, WTF were we thinking?! We lived in SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA at the time!)  We had a toddler, a newborn, & an Australian Shepherd puppy, so we bought an RV from an old surfer dude to make the trip.  A friend tagged along, driving the UHaul that held all of our belongings.

(BTW, somewhere in Southern California is an aging surfer still waiting for his last $100.  I hope he’s not sitting by the mailbox.)

About a day & a half into the trip, the baby got sick.  There I was trapped in a rickety old RV with an attention-starved toddler, a crying baby, a hyperactive puppy, and a husband trying to keep his shit together and his gypsy train on the road.

All I can say is, it’s a good thing they were all cute.  There may have been a moment or three when I looked at them all with a narrowed eye, considering which was least good looking…and would fit easiest through the drafty crank windows.

Well, apparently my raging stress levels were creating an energy storm felt in surrounding vehicles.  (Either that, or the screams coming from our surfer wagon made it more of a rolling house of horrors.)

At the next gas stop, Jimmy (the friend) suspiciously offered to take Saxon (my puppy, not my toddler or my baby) in the truck with him.

Two hours later, the RV filled with smoke.  The problem is, the front windows were open…and the fire was in an engine compartment right behind the passenger seat.  So the fresh air was fanning the flames & blowing the smoke into the back of the rig.  Since my back was turned & I can’t smell, it took a while to notice.  By the time we pulled over, there was significant damage to the engine & smoke billowing out the windows.  Jimmy pulled over 50 yards or so ahead of us & ran back to help.

That’s when Saxon jumped out the window, into traffic on a busy highway.

The first time he was hit, it was a glancing blow that knocked him down and a few feet to the side.

He got up, limping but determined to make it back to us.

The second hit threw him into the air, and he landed with a thud in the next lane.

He got up again, and tried hobbling toward us, one leg dangling and his head down.

He was hit a third time before Jimmy ran into traffic and scooped Saxon up.  He died on the side of the road, just inside the Missouri border.

They managed to jerry-rig the engine compartment together, which worked long enough to get us into Rolla, MO.  There, we found a run-down motel with two vacancies, just as a monsoon rain opened up on us.  Did I mention this was in October?  So, it was cold.  And our motel room had no heat.

The baby got sick, the RV caught on fire, the dog died, the toddler watched it, and we were stuck in the middle of nowhere, in monsoon rains, in mid-fall, with no heat.

Yeah, that’s just about rock bottom right there.

In the morning, we walked to a diner next to the motel.  It was a Sunday, and most everything was closed.  After hearing us tell our story to the waitress, someone offered to take my husband to a parts store that he knew was open.  Another stranger hooked him up with a garage willing to open up and lend him the tools needed to fix the RV.  Someone else bought our breakfast.  When we were still there at lunch, the diner covered that cost.

We left Rolla that evening with a newfound appreciation for small-town life and Missourians, in particular.

And then… just a few years ago, Missouri came through for me again.

I took the kids to Tennessee with my sister’s family.  We spent a week there, doing the typical family vacation stuff.  On the final day, we split up.  Kim headed home with her family while I took my kids up Clingman’s Dome.  The goal was to make it to the highest point in the Smokies before heading home ourselves.  We made our way slowly up the mountain, sporadically getting out to hike or check out the view.

Just before we got to the top, the truck started to overheat.

And slow down.

I haven’t been up many mountains.  But I assume most mountains are like Clingman’s Dome… lots of sheer drops and rock walls, but not so many pull-offs.

Just before my truck rolled to a complete stop, a pull-off appeared around the bend.  I got out & put the hood up (not that I’d know what to do once I was under there).  That’s when I noticed the heavy stream of reddish-brown fluid running under the truck and down the mountain.  I had blown the transmission seal (or something).  The point was… there was NO way I was going to make it the rest of the way up that mountain.  I had the kids get out and move away from the truck while I tried to put it in gear, hoping to turn it around and coast back down.  Only when I put it in drive, it rolled backward, just inches from the edge of a several hundred-foot drop.

At this point, we still thought this was funny.

That’s when I had my meltdown.  The kids got back in the truck, as I went behind it to lose my shit & make some frantic calls for help.

By now, we had been stuck for nearly an hour, watching cars from every state (including my own) drive past my steaming vehicle.  I got some stares, a few dirty looks… but not one of those drivers would pull over to help a mom & 4 kids.  (Okay, other than a guy from Florida, who took Kid1 to the ranger station at the top of the dome to call for a tow truck.)

Not surprisingly, the first car with a Missouri plate DID pull over.  The couple offered to take us down the mountain, but I had to stay and wait for the tow.  Instead, since I knew we wouldn’t all fit into the tow truck, they took my sons down the mountain and into Gatlinburg.  They dropped them off in town, where they met up with my sister (who had been 2 hours away, but had turned around to help me figure out what the hell to do next).  They handed us a few bottles of water, and what was left of their box of granola bars to hold us over.  I was also given a sheet of notebook paper with their names, vehicle make & model, license plate number, and places of employment.  The wife explained that they had kids, too, so she would feel better knowing that I was comfortable with the people I was turning my sons over to.

See?! NICEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD!

Five freezing hours later (BIG temperature difference at the top of that mountain!), the tow truck arrived.  We squeezed into the cab of the truck, Kid2 awkwardly in the middle (where the driver had to reach between her knees to shift gears), and Kid4 on my lap.   45 minutes later, he dropped us off at his “station,” a small garage in a nearby town, and we slowly made our way back into Gatlinburg via a long and convoluted series of trolley rides.

By the time we met back up with my sons (and sister’s family), we were exhausted and drenched from the rain that had opened up as soon as we stepped off the first trolley.  We checked into the last open room in town, a dive motel with two beds.

There were 10 of us.

We abandoned my SUV, heading home the next day in a rental.

And the Missourians who helped us get off that mountain?  I got a call from them a few days later.  They wanted to see if we made it home okay, or if we might need a ride.  No mention of how MY state was in the exact opposite direction of Missouri.

I don’t know that any of the MO peeps that have come through for me have been directly affected by the recent tornadoes and flooding.  All I know is that if the tables were turned & I needed help, MO peeps would be there.

So, I’m asking MY peeps to be there for them.

Please click http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/05/23/joplin.how.to.help/index.html?hpt=T2 .  There you’ll find a listing of the various ways to help the Joplin, MO recovery.

They’d do it for you.