The One Where I Face My Fear

I don’t think I’ve mentioned it before, but I live work in a gigantic, creepy old building.  The company’s roots go back to the 1800s & basically the existing structure was put up around the original storefront.    It’s a strange place; a mix of old and older architecture and building materials.

Floors that look to be made of brick … aren’t.  They’re actually 6′ tall wooden posts, standing on end.  They’ve been ground down, and worn smooth-ish by a century of work boots.  And now they’re coated with that century of industrial grime, so you can’t tell what color they’re supposed to be anymore.

Carts pulled by tow motor today were the same ones pulled by mules nearly 100 years ago. They just swapped out the piece that used to attach to a harness for a yoke that hooks up to the tow motor.

For a history geek like me, it’s a wondrous place!  Well, other than the “work” part, anyway.  It’s kind of like urban exploring, minus all the rats and homeless dudes.

I never found this wall creepy...till now.

Also, it would make a FABULOUS setting for a slasher movie, complete with hooks dangling from conveyor lines, leading into gigantic ovens, and lots of hidden, dark nooks & crannies.

Hint, Hint, Hollywood!

But that’s not my point to this story.

It’s a manufacturing plant.  So, mixed in with all that super-cool, early century, industrial architecture is a bunch of grimy antique machinery.  Which PROBABLY means a bloody, violent history of industrial accidents and crushing injuries.  Because, you know what they DIDN’T have in turn-of-the-century manufacturing plants?  Safety!

Also, there were two murders in fairly recent history, but both before I started there…. Just in case y’all had your suspicions about me!

Despite all of this, I’ve never felt uncomfortable working there.  I mean, OF COURSE we have our share of office creepers, tit-starers, & cube trolls… but every company has those!

I mean UNCOMFORTABLE.

That all changed for me last week.

When I’m not writing or talking to my husband, I spend my lunch hours walking in a section of the old plant.  It hasn’t been in use since the 60s, so it now just holds our archived material and old, unused office furniture.  But it’s fairly big & mostly private, so makes a good place to hide out and get my fat ass in gear.

Last week, I headed up there to walk & take some pics I had in mind for a future post.  I had been up there nearly 45 minutes, and had taken tons of pictures.  Okay, maybe 30 – 35.  Whatever.

ANYWAY…  As I turned the corner in the back of the warehouse, “something” grabbed me.

This is right about the place it happened.

I don’t know how you feel about ghosts or spirits.  Most people are skeptics & I totally get that.  I was a skeptic once, too.

All I can tell you is that “something” grabbed my shoulder.  It wasn’t painful or forceful at all.  It was more like you would grab a friend’s shoulder if you walked up behind them.

Only cold.

VERY cold.

It was the kind of cold you get when you’re mixing up ground meat & the bones in your fingers start to ache…  But without the risk of  e coli poisoning & fat under your fingernails.

I’m not sure how, or why… But I didn’t scream.  I just felt all of the air rush out of my lungs in a silent gush as I flipped my head around to see who or what was there.

I was alone.

And, suddenly, I didn’t feel NEARLY as comfortable being alone up there with the dangling hooks and dark corners.

My fat ass got in gear, alright.  I got the hell out of there!  I was shaky and nervous, & had a hard time catching my breath.  That could be because my heart had plummeted into my lungs, crushing all of the air out.  OR it could just be because I’m fat & asthmatic and had just ran the length of the warehouse.

Either/or.

Remember those pictures I mentioned?  Of the 30 – 35 that I took, only 2 were on my phone when I checked them.  I can’t say what happened to the rest, but I had “saved” all of them to my memory card.

When I settled down, I asked a couple of “old-timers” if they had ever heard of any strange occurrences up there.  They hadn’t.  And, I’m not sure they took me seriously.

I did hear other stories, though, all from the main part of the plant… The part STILL in use…

Flickering lights seen on security guard monitors.

Cold spots in the middle of summer, when temperatures reach into the 90s in certain areas.

“Things” seen out of the corner of your eye that just can’t be explained.

Doors that open and close, seemingly at will.

Noises.

Voices.

All common occurrences, at least in places that are supposedly haunted.

But this?

This was different.  No one had ever mentioned being touched.

Yesterday, I ventured back up into that warehouse.

I’m happy to announce that nothing touched me.  So, y’know…

Bonesy 1 – Unseen, Cold, Creepy Thing 1.

Not much interested in a tie-breaker, I have to say.

FYI – The pictures in this post were taken yesterday, just to give you a visual of the areas I’m talking about.  Sorry if they’re a bit blurry.  I wasn’t about to stick around any longer than I needed to.

100 Things

Okay, so I know I’m just a few years behind with this.  What can I say?  Someone recently told me every blogger needs a “100 Things” post.  I think its bullshit, but am caving in to peer pressure.  Here are 100 random things about me, which will probably take me roughly a week & a half to write.

1) I can’t smell.  Every great once in a while, I think I might smell something, but I have no sense of whether it’s a good or bad scent.  No, I can’t explain it any better than that.

2) Anytime I tell someone I can’t smell, the first question is always “Well, can you taste things like everyone else?”  How the hell should I know?!

3) As a kid, I was a total tomboy who hated anything girly.  When I was about 5, we moved into a neighborhood with mostly boys.  I told everyone my name was “Ricky” so I could hang out with them instead of the girls in the ‘hood.  It worked like a charm, until someone came to our door one day & asked if “Ricky” lived there.

4) When I was 10, I wanted to grow up to play shortstop for the New York Mets.   I didn’t live anywhere near New York; I just knew they needed a shortstop.

5) I met my husband while signing up for the military, just after high school.  My military “career” lasted 5 weeks.  On the way home, I got engaged in Cleveland Hopkins Airport, surrounded by a crowd of paparazzi.  Okay, they were really just nosy bastards.  Whatever.

6) I got married with one days’ notice, on a Tuesday morning…and went to work that afternoon.

7) The mayor who married us was on bereavement leave at the time, as her husband had just died.  Her secretary called to tell her our story & she came in to do the ceremony for us.  She cried.

8 ) We don’t have any wedding pictures because we lost the roll of film.

9) I never wanted kids.  Yes, my kids know this.

10) I found out I was pregnant 2 days after my wedding.  I cried, he was ecstatic; we agreed not to tell anyone until I came to terms with it.  2 hours later, he stood up and announced it over Thanksgiving dinner in front of my extended family.  I had not yet come to terms with it.  He’s lucky the courthouse was closed for the next few days.

11) That baby was born 3 weeks after my 19th birthday.

12) 3 of my 4 kids were accidents.  Yes, I do know how babies are made.

13) When Kid 2 was a baby, all she wanted to do was sleep.  She never cried, never wanted anything.  Her pediatrician said not to wake her up to feed her. Basically, babies will let you know when it’s time to eat.  So, I didn’t.  She fell off the growth charts.

14) The only reason I cook is because, if I didn’t, someone would have eventually turned me into Children’s Services.  I’m pretty sure schools frown on children with distended bellies & flies crusting around their eyes.

15) I am a terrible housekeeper.

16) I still haven’t figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

17) I’m kind of a hermit.

18) All of my closest friends live far away, which works pretty well with hermit-ism.

19) My favorite band is The Pretenders.

20) My blog pic/avatar was taken at Chrissie Hynde’s restaurant.

21) Unless I am reading or watching tv, I have music playing.  It’s an eclectic mix of a soundtrack, based on what I’m feeling at that moment.

22) I was kicked out of band in the 5th grade because I couldn’t learn to read music.

23) I love sunglasses & can’t pass a rack without trying some on.  At one point, I had 15 pair.  Currently, I have 3.  I’m not sure if it’s because I’m pickier or if I’m finally growing up.

24) I am prejudiced against smokers, despite the fact that some of the people I love the most are smokers.  No, I don’t hold this against them… except for my husband.  I only hold it against him & all other smokers.  ***But not YOU, if you’re a smoker.  Just everybody else OTHER than you!

25) I can think of only 2 occasions where I changed my mind after forming a first impression of someone.  I really do make up my mind about people as soon as I meet them.

26) Both of those exceptions are now friends of mine.

27) Despite the fact that I am atheist, all of my friends are Christian.  This is one of the things I love most about them all.

28) I have a near OCD level of spelling & grammar Nazism.

29) Because of this, I was always in the spelling bee.

30) Despite THAT, I don’t think the spelling bee belongs anywhere near ESPN… Or ANY tv channel.

31) I tend to make up my own grammar rules, which only one other person understands.  I do see that #28 & #312 technically shouldn’t work together.

32) My daughters inherited that fucked-up gene.  Which technically ISN’T a gene, but whatever.

33) I once got a job based solely on my ability to spell.

34) I’m a poll worker on Election Day.  At one point, I was the youngest presiding judge in the county.

35) One of the ladies who works my precinct with me was my 7th grade math teacher.

36) I am really bad at math.

37) She does the math at the end of the night for our precinct.  It’s like she KNOWS ME!

38) I love the iconic Rosie the Riveter ad.

39) The only coffee I like is the cheap cappuccino at gas stations.  No, I don’t like Starbucks.  No, this does not make me a bad person.  It makes me a non-coffee drinker who doesn’t like overpaying!

40) I love unsweetened tea, of almost any flavor.

41) My middle name is Janice, pronounced (Janeese).

42) It’s also my mom’s middle name, and the one I gave Kid4.

43) Despite that, I totally did not name my daughter after my mother.

44) Or myself.  It just worked with her first name.

45) Kid2 was definitely named after my aunt, though.

46) I’m really bad at card games, especially poker.

47) This is mostly because of my innate inability to strategize.

48) I find politically incorrect humor HIGH-LARIOUS!

49) I think the 80s had the best music of any generation.

50) I’m aware the only people who would agree with me on that are also children of the 80s.

51) I eat soup for lunch almost every day.  Not the same kind of soup, though.  I’m not OCD about it. (said in a snarky voice)

52) My dog is cooler than your dog.

53) Braggarts irritate me more than just about everyone else.  No, #52 doesn’t count as bragging.  That’s just fact.

54) One-uppers are a close second.  Please see #53, sentences 2 & 3.

55) I hate everything about WalMart, but mostly the people.

56) I’m a road rager.

57) Sometimes this gets me in trouble.  I’ll probably end up with a violent death, started by an expletive-laden rant & middle finger extended out my window.

58) I have nearly died a horrific death by train twice.  Both times with the same person, though only once was alcohol involved.  Between #57 & #58, I am more sure than ever that my death will not be pretty.

59) When I was a kid, my parents would send all of us to live at an aunt’s house for the summer.

60) That aunt & uncle are my role models for marriage & parenthood.

61) It’s not a surprise we were sent away.  According to our genealogy, my family has been “farming children out” since 1856.

62) General George Armstrong Custer is my great-great-great-great-great uncle.

63) At one point, Kid1 had a history class with a descendant of Sitting Bull.

64) I could not possibly care less about what politicians do behind closed doors.

65) I also don’t give a damn about celebrities & don’t consider them to be newsworthy.

66) I am afraid of heights.

67) I have an aversion to water.

68) Because of those 2 things, I hate bridges.

69) I watch way too much tv.

70) I don’t believe in women’s rights or black rights or gay rights.  I believe in equal rights & that nothing else is acceptable.

71) I’m a fiercely loyal friend.

72) I don’t eat meat with bones in it.  Yes, I am aware that all meat had bones in it at one point.

73) My favorite childhood memory is “Eat a Pita.”  Someday, I might tell y’all what that means.

74) Patience is a virtue, but it’s not one of mine.

75) I say that because I am 3 days into this list & it’s frustrating me.

76) Right about now, I’m wishing I hadn’t caved in to peer pressure.

77) My kids think I’m a techno-tard, but I’m basically my department’s IT person.

78) I’m sure Kid1 finds that hysterical, seeing as how he IS an IT person & I am clearly not.

79) Right now, I have no pictures of my family on my desk.

80) I do have a pic of myself with my besties on my desk, though.

81) When my hair is long, I want it short.  When my hair is short, I want it long. My husband NEVER wants it short.

82) I look much better with long hair.

83) I am pretty sure that I am pregnant on at least one roll of film in my refrigerator.

84) My “baby” is 16.

85) My first concert was Duran Duran with Billy Ocean and Brenda Russell.

86) When Kid2 graduated, I was at commencement sporting a gigantic purple egg on my forehead.

87) The egg came from hitting my head on the sidewalk during our Throwdown at the Hoedown the day before.

88) My forehead still has a corner on it from that throwdown 2 years ago.

89) I still owe you a post on that.

90) Day 4.  I’m growing steadily weaker; concerned I may not see the end of this post.

91) I don’t trust whistlers, even the ones that just whistle songs.

92) My favorite car is a Porsche 914.

93) I’ve owned 3 of them, but only drove 1.

94) I think there is something wrong with the people who listen to ONLY Christmas music during the holidays.

95) Especially if they have it loud.  Some music has to be thumping to be appreciated.  “O Christmas Tree” is not one of those songs.  If it’s rattling MY windows, you & I are going to have a problem.  Mostly you.  See #56.

96) I really dislike Christmas music.  This has nothing to do with my religious beliefs.

97) I once read an entire newspaper article backward before realizing I did it.  I tend to read the headlines, then check the end of the article for the details.

98) A friend once told me that I’m just drawn to silliness.  I love that!

99) Day 6.  Please send reinforcements.

100) I am now convinced that the person who told me “Every blogger needs a 100 Things post” is a sadistic bitch.  Yeah.  You know who you are.

Vulva Days

My sister is getting married this summer.  It’s a huge deal, y’know… being wedding # 4 & all.  (I keed, I keed!) Actually, it kind of is a big deal, seeing as how this will hopefully be her last wedding. (It’s okay, she lives in another state, so can’t smack me when she reads this.  Also, there’s the fact that, despite being the LITTLE SISTER, I can totally kick her ass.)

In case I haven’t mentioned it before, I have kind of a mental block for dates.  I’m not sure why, but I just have issues remembering stuff like that.  It might have something to do with numbers.  Anyway, I got to thinking about the wedding today & realized I needed to get some vacation days scheduled for the wedding.  Only I couldn’t remember WHAT days I needed.    This is what transpired, via text:

Me: What is wedding date again? Need to schedule vulva days.

Kim: Vulva days? It is July 16

Me:  hahahaha OMG! VACA days!

Kim: That is what I thought! Broom closet is OFF limits this time!**

Me: Goddammit, you never let me have any fun!

Kim: hahaha Too funny! Hey, have the camper arranged for girls’ weekend, too.

Me: SCORE!!! No need to arrange for a broom closet for me that w/e, though.  Also, I’m totally referring to your wedding as “Vulva Days” from now on.

Her: That is just toooooo funny! Have to just love typos! Ummm it was a typo, right? haha

Me: I’m not sure…Maybe!  Weird though, b/c right before that, I emailed (name deleted) to ask for an update on her tit! Vulvas & tits, that’s how I roll.

Yeah.  It’s true.  I really did email my friend to ask about her tit… just before texting my sister to ask when Vulva Days were.  Is it any wonder people are nosy curious as to what goes on in my cubicle?  It’s called multi-tasking, people!  But, if you’re my customer, & it sounds like I was giggling when I answered the phone this afternoon… Now you know why.

**Yes, I do have a broom closet/wedding story.  Don’t we all?