I Like To Leave An Impression.

Someday, I’m gonna be famous.   Not for anything good, though.  I’ll never write a bestseller, or star in a movie, or give birth to a kid with 16 fingers & 22 toes.  I’m good with that.  Actually, extra digits kinda creep me out.   Something tells me that might interfere with the bonding process.

See, I’m the chick who leaves cringe-inducing first impressions.  I don’t mean to… usually.  It’s apparently just how I roll.  I’m an equal opportunity offender & kind of an acquired taste.  Not everybody “gets” my humor.  I’m also a little socially awkward, so I have a hard time relating to people when I first meet them.   This combo usually results in nervous laughter & people backing slowly away from me.  Sometimes, I don’t take the hint & actually pursue them.  This would be one of those times.

*sigh*

I tried to introduce myself to my son’s girlfriend’s mom online the other night.  The problem is, I kind of skipped the introduction part.  Then I kind of came off as a nutbag cyber-stalker.  By the time she figured out who the hell I was, she already decided she didn’t like me.  I know because she actually said, “You are weird and I don’t like you already.  Let’s just call it good and not be friends, shall we?”  I mean, I can’t really blame her there.  I had steamrolled my way from cyber-stalker to the mom of a possible serial killer over the course of a manic 30 minute facebook conversation in which she practically begged me to just leave her the hell alone.  I am pretty sure I actually frightened her.

It made for some pretty damn entertaining reading on my facebook wall, though…  Unless you were either my son or his girlfriend.  I’m pretty sure they were not liking me much that night either.

To be fair, I’ll leave the mom’s parts of the conversation out of the blog.  I didn’t exactly get around to asking her permission before she alerted the authorities … hired a bodyguard … put a hit out on …un-friended me.

I started out by mentioning that I thought it would be fun to mess with our kids’ heads & make them wonder just what dirty little family secrets we might be telling one another. Seems innocuous enough, right?  Um, apparently only to moms like me.  You know, moms who actually DO like messing with their kids’ heads!  This was not one of those moms.

Because she’s not one of  “those” moms, I probably shouldn’t have asked if she had skipped a day or two of parenting classes…. and then told her it looked like I was gonna have to do some schoolin’.  That might have been a little offensive.

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have likened my son’s pick-up skills to those of Ted Bundy.  I mean, I tried to reassure her that his car is in my driveway, a long 6 hours away from her daughter.  Strangely, I don’t think she found that very reassuring.

When talking about our family, mentioning that my parents were fools…who were raised by fools, um… While that may be true, I can see how that would make someone uneasy.  Especially when she’s already questioning the safety of her daughter.

Also, the part where I told her my hobby is playing mind games on people…  Well, that might just seem a little odd to outsiders.

Mentioning that I don’t discuss my many affairs on facebook … Well, I should have probably left that out altogether.  Y’know, since I’ve never actually HAD an affair….either on facebook or off.

Finally, telling her that my son gets his pole dancing skills from me was probably not a good idea, either.  I can see now that people who don’t know me might not see the humor.  Especially in light of all of the above.

I think I’ve finally outdone myself.  I definitely made an impression.  Not a good impression, but I’m pretty damn sure she’ll never forget me.