The Big Guy is my Homeboy

Dudes, I have GREAT NEWS!!!

I’m so excited, but had to wait ALL DAY before I could share with you!!  (See, I have a little thing called a “JOB”  & they don’t exactly pay me to write.   They should, but they don’t.)  ANYWAY…

Remember a while back, I told you that when Maury Povich called, I was taking y’all with me?  (No?  Click here.)  Okay.. so we didn’t exactly score that all-expense-paid trip to NYC…Yet.

But this is EVEN BETTER than traveling with my posse to be filmed on Maury as a professional dirty girl!!  (Maybe…  I do like the “Professional Dirty Girl” title.)

Apparently, I have the ear of The Big Guy!

Not Maury.

No, not God.   I already told you, I don’t believe in him.

No… It’s THE PRESIDENT!!!  Of the United States.  As in Barack Obama!  And, not just a Bobblehead Barack either.  The real deal!  (You can keep your comments on whether or not the real deal Barack can also be counted as Bobblehead Barack to yourself.)

See, just a few days ago, I posted this rant about anti-gay discrimination.

And, what do I find on the news sites today?   THIS!!

OMG OMG OMG OMFG!!!

Apparently, Obama is a Bonesy fan!  Who knew?!

Basically, this means the president listens to me WAY better than my husband or kids do.  I’d better get to work on that.  I mean, I am technically second in command now.  It’s practically treason to disobey me at this point, FAMILY!

Also, Joe Biden, you can just get your ass in line right behind me.  You kinda remind me of Smiling Bob from the Enzyte commercials, so it’s a little tough to take you seriously.

So here’s the thing… We totally need to take advantage of this news!  Now that we know Obama listens to me, we can give him a big ol’ list of stuff we need him to fix before he gets rousted from office!  I mean, seriously, he’s on limited time here.  Whether you like him or not, you have to admit there is no way he is getting a second term.  And, when Barack’s out of office, so am I!   I’m a bit of a slacker.  So, as cool as it sounds, “Leader of the Free World” is NOT something I want to put on my resume.  That’s just too much damn responsibility & I am not down with all that.  Also, business suits & a bob are not exactly my style.

So, I’ll just stick to my customer service gig for now, thank you very much.  And blogging, of course.  It doesn’t pay, but I’m wielding some serious power these days!

I Like To Leave An Impression.

Someday, I’m gonna be famous.   Not for anything good, though.  I’ll never write a bestseller, or star in a movie, or give birth to a kid with 16 fingers & 22 toes.  I’m good with that.  Actually, extra digits kinda creep me out.   Something tells me that might interfere with the bonding process.

See, I’m the chick who leaves cringe-inducing first impressions.  I don’t mean to… usually.  It’s apparently just how I roll.  I’m an equal opportunity offender & kind of an acquired taste.  Not everybody “gets” my humor.  I’m also a little socially awkward, so I have a hard time relating to people when I first meet them.   This combo usually results in nervous laughter & people backing slowly away from me.  Sometimes, I don’t take the hint & actually pursue them.  This would be one of those times.

*sigh*

I tried to introduce myself to my son’s girlfriend’s mom online the other night.  The problem is, I kind of skipped the introduction part.  Then I kind of came off as a nutbag cyber-stalker.  By the time she figured out who the hell I was, she already decided she didn’t like me.  I know because she actually said, “You are weird and I don’t like you already.  Let’s just call it good and not be friends, shall we?”  I mean, I can’t really blame her there.  I had steamrolled my way from cyber-stalker to the mom of a possible serial killer over the course of a manic 30 minute facebook conversation in which she practically begged me to just leave her the hell alone.  I am pretty sure I actually frightened her.

It made for some pretty damn entertaining reading on my facebook wall, though…  Unless you were either my son or his girlfriend.  I’m pretty sure they were not liking me much that night either.

To be fair, I’ll leave the mom’s parts of the conversation out of the blog.  I didn’t exactly get around to asking her permission before she alerted the authorities … hired a bodyguard … put a hit out on …un-friended me.

I started out by mentioning that I thought it would be fun to mess with our kids’ heads & make them wonder just what dirty little family secrets we might be telling one another. Seems innocuous enough, right?  Um, apparently only to moms like me.  You know, moms who actually DO like messing with their kids’ heads!  This was not one of those moms.

Because she’s not one of  “those” moms, I probably shouldn’t have asked if she had skipped a day or two of parenting classes…. and then told her it looked like I was gonna have to do some schoolin’.  That might have been a little offensive.

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have likened my son’s pick-up skills to those of Ted Bundy.  I mean, I tried to reassure her that his car is in my driveway, a long 6 hours away from her daughter.  Strangely, I don’t think she found that very reassuring.

When talking about our family, mentioning that my parents were fools…who were raised by fools, um… While that may be true, I can see how that would make someone uneasy.  Especially when she’s already questioning the safety of her daughter.

Also, the part where I told her my hobby is playing mind games on people…  Well, that might just seem a little odd to outsiders.

Mentioning that I don’t discuss my many affairs on facebook … Well, I should have probably left that out altogether.  Y’know, since I’ve never actually HAD an affair….either on facebook or off.

Finally, telling her that my son gets his pole dancing skills from me was probably not a good idea, either.  I can see now that people who don’t know me might not see the humor.  Especially in light of all of the above.

I think I’ve finally outdone myself.  I definitely made an impression.  Not a good impression, but I’m pretty damn sure she’ll never forget me.



My Big Fat Gay Homecoming

Typically, I try to keep things light here at the blahg.  (Last post notwithstanding.) And, this may end up being a lighthearted post, as well.  I’m not really sure where I’m going with it yet.  I might get all preachy on you… or just make you laugh & roll your eyes.  I might even make you angry.  I’m good with that.  I’m angry, too.  This is kind of a hot button issue, so there are bound to be a bunch of different reactions.  Regardless of how you feel about it, no mean-assed comments are allowed!  I’m okay with whatever your stance is on this subject, but no threats or hatred is allowed in my comments section.  It’s my blahg & I make the rules.  Sure, I make them up as I go along, but whatever!  It’s still MY blahg!

When did bigotry and discrimination become socially acceptable again? 

How did we allow this to happen?

The news lately has been filled with examples of bigotry wrapping itself in the flag of Christianity.  And, some of the most ridiculous comments are coming out of that! 

Robert Broadus, head of the group Protect Marriage Maryland, spoke out against the gay-marriage legislation currently before Maryland’s legislature,  “If you pass this bill, you will set the groundwork, that one day when artificial intelligence is that advanced, we will be considering whether or not people can marry their androids. … If you say that any two people who love each other can get married, then you set that precedent,” said Broadus.

Um, excuse me?! WTF are you talking about, Broadus?  OF COURSE any two people who love each other should be able to marry!  Who are YOU to tell ANYONE that their brand of love is unacceptable?

He goes on… “I’ve known plenty of gay people. I’ve hung out with gay people. I’ve been hit on by gay people,” Broadus said in a YouTube clip. “I don’t turn around and punch them. In school, if I saw the gay kid getting picked on, I stood up for the gay kid and tried to stop it.”

“The problem,” he explained, “is that they have gained so much power at this point in time.”

Hmm… Smells suspiciously like DISCRIMINATION!  I wonder how Mr. Broadus would feel if these same things were being said about African-Americans?   Go ahead & take another look at his comments.  Substitute the word “black” for every mention of “gay” or “they.”   Now try to tell me that his comments aren’t bigotry.   Discrimination is NEVER acceptable, regardless of the flavor.

Last week, I read an article about a teen same sex couple in Minneapolis.  The girls were both nominated by their peers to the school’s homecoming court (or a similar royalty-type event).  When the district found out they were planning to walk in together, as a couple… an 11th hour policy change was enacted.  School officials decided that the court members would no longer be allowed to enter the gym as couples, despite the tradition of doing so.  Now they could either walk in individually, or be accompanied by a parent or favorite teacher.  The district claimed this was to prevent the girls from being teased.  I call BULLSHIT!  This prudish, close-minded decision just reeks of.. What?  Say it with me… DISCRIMINATION!

Side note – like I said, I don’t know any of the people involved.  But I bet that the guy who made this decision secretly wears lacy pink undies and fishnets.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The girls at the heart of this matter have not made an effort to hide their sexuality.  They are an “out” lesbian couple, who were merely looking to be afforded the same opportunity as their heterosexual classmates.  Why would they have been “teased?”   Their classmates already KNEW the girls sexual orientation.  And, they apparently didn’t care, seeing as how they NOMINATED the girls to the homecoming court!   Unfortunately, however, this young couple had to sue the school district for the basic right to appear as a couple.  SUE.THE.SCHOOL.DISTRICT!  When was the last time a hetero couple had to sue for the right to attend a school event as a couple?  Yeah, never.

I am both disgusted and amazed that this type of discrimination is still going on in our country.  Discrimination is NEVER okay, regardless of the subject!

 When you add in the fact that these girls were being discriminated against by their own school district, this makes the situation so much worse.  By making this mandate, Anoka-Hennepin school district is not only encouraging discrimination, but also teaching it.

Also noted in the article was the fact that this district has lost six students to suicide since the beginning of the 2009-10 school year.  Some of those deaths have been linked to the bullying of gays.  My question is, WHO did the bullying in those cases?  Was it the students, who nominated this couple, then gave them a standing ovation as they walked into the gym after winning their court fight?  OR, was it the district, who apparently believes that discrimination against same sex couples is okay?  My money is on the district.

The students of Champlin Park High School are to be commended.  Despite residing in such a hate-filled district, they are progressive-minded enough to vote this couple into their homecoming court… THEN give them a standing ovation.

Sorry for such a long rant.

In the words of Joan Rivers… “Do what you want.  I got my own problems.”

I am…

I am fierce loyalty forged in first impressions.

I am the thunderstruck moment of love at first sight.

I am atheism cloaked in Christian values.

I am age-mellowed, masking an internal seething rage.

I am a soundtrack playing softly in the background, yearning to be heard.

I am the song that takes you back to another time.

I am insomnia, a racing mind and a phantom itch.

I am a dandelion, scattered into the wind with a wish.

I am the last stubborn leaf found clinging to a tree in mid-winter.

I am arms-length, a line of demarcation, and a boundary.

I am the impulsive attempt to reach out to a friend you lost touch with; the realization that sometimes you truly can pick up right where you left off.

I am the nervous giggle that bubbles up out of you at an inappropriate moment.

I am the scent of violet, rendering an inability to know other smells.

I am that first, glorious full breath of an asthmatic after the attack passes.

I am the sandy footprint that marks the spot between where you have been and where you will go.

I am the finger-tracing of handwriting on a cherished old letter from someone long ago passed.

I am the fancy tin box in your closet, holding your mementos; a  keeper of secrets, doling out the bittersweet touches to your past one by one.

I am that well-worn bookmark that has kept your place for the past 20 years, imprinted with words like memories.

I am your 7th grade English teacher, unable to simply overlook your bad grammar and poor spelling!

I am the rainbow seen on the horizon through a spotted windshield.

I am gravity, pulling you down in an attempt to keep you from floating too far.

I am a neglected child of a broken home, finding her way through marriage and parenthood armed only with the knowledge of what NOT to do.

This post is in response to San Diego Momma’s PrompTuesday #140, “Where I Am.”  Give it a shot, it’s incredibly enlightening to reflect upon yourself and where you’re at as a person.   Leave a comment here, on her site, or both.

5 Random Things That Passed Through My Head Today…

1) Vicodin should come with a hard candy shell.  I just love it so much!  I think it should taste like Skittles.  Instead, it has to win the prize for Worst Tasting Drug on the Market.  If there were such a contest.  Bastards.

2) Every time I think I have a handle on things, someone takes that handle & shoves it right up my ass.  I’m like a bitch on a stick!

3) Encouraging discrimination of any sort should be considered a crime.  I’m speaking to you, state of Iowa and Anoka-Hennepin, MN school officials. Stay out of  bedrooms and work to make life BETTER for the people in your districts. (More on this in a post I hope to have up very soon.)

4) People who speak out the loudest  or attempt to change the rules and/or laws regarding  homosexual couples are more than likely closet cross-dressers.  (See #3,  specifically the state of Iowa and Anoka-Hennepin, MN school district) Also, they’re assholes.  I’m okay with the cross dressing part.  The assholes?  Not so much.

5)  GAH!  (Yes, that is a complete thought.)

Things In My Text Box

So, I put the call out after the last text post & you guys came through in a big way! Everyone else, keep in mind as you read that these are all actual texts from real conversations. I mix them up a bit, and usually take them out of context (I call it blogger license), but they’re all real & unedited. (With the exception of one about a red-headed slut from my last group of texts.)  I just have a fabulous, spontaneously funny group of friends & family who let me get away with publishing their deepest, darkest, texted secrets!  Or, just their random thoughts.  Whatever.

- Shall I buy these frilly WalMart stripper panties?

- Absolutely! Then you can shove some candy hearts down your panties & be a Pez dispenser!

- So, I will treat myself to some candy hearts.

- It might look a little odd for you to buy me stripper panties, no matter how much I like you.

- Didn’t want a giant gay backlash!

- Good point, we’d both have the one gay college experience.

- Hey! No peeking into my fantasies!

- This story’s getting better!

- Oh.  Slightly not slutty.

-  Damn it okay… I need to find someone to do this I mean darn it haha

- R u alone?

- Yeah. I think that should definitely be illegal.

-  Sacrifice 4 platonic love

-  Yay!

- A sword! He had a sword on the bus!

- Yup! I’ll see if I can get the blood to rain down tomorrow.

- Holy fuck. That’s scary

- Some ppl should not have kids

- Yes!!  Haha she’s gonna puke haha!!!

- Hey mom, to prove a point am I ticklish? Ps. Don’t say where.

- Yes, and I will say “where” to the highest bidder.

- Why do I love you? You’re so mean.

- What?! Bitch, don’t make me drive to Cbus!

- Maybe she can take a class on The Coolness Quotient of (…)’s Mom next quarter.

- Will do! Must bring honor to my family!

- Just got out of old lady party. Yes!

- You should ask where to find the laxatives, prunes, & Depends in the store.  Old peeps love to feel useful.

- Then they may want to start a conversation. One lady is wearing slippers.

- If you do, you’ll frighten the old peeps.  Use your inside voice.

- Stop it!! You look great, but need medical attention!!

- Nah it’ll be fine. The blood was bothering him a lot though lol

- He just kept following me making sure I didn’t get any blood on anything. He would rush me to get into the bathroom. He kept making faces. Not pale though!

- It yanks the hair out by the roots.  What do you think?

- Permanently. Not sure her evil lil heart could absorb 20 million volts.

- No, I’m sober.  Clover is the bitch next door that one day we’ll shoot.

- Next Sunday at 1

- Does she know you snapped that?! Are you making her lay on a tarp??

-   Omg. I will nvr do that 2 u

- Why?  Is this something you’re going to use against me later?

- Huh. I’m totally using this against you later.

- Yep. Black ass!

- Is she 450 lbs of crying, black sweetness?

- Bird dying sucks. Court part is good.

- (…) called you a roach.

- I found his reaction quite humorous

- I look like I fit in better at WalMart. Just noticed jacket is dirty too.

- Totally nuts but to say I miss you?? Yuk but trying to be nice.  I loved my drugs yesterday.

- I guess I will pay for my drugs & go.

- I’m getting my drank on

- I barely drank anything.  I don’t feel anything at all

- Okay then idk why it has come up twice

- I’m gaggin

- It’s still stuck in my throat.

- So why did last night end badly?

- I knew he would react like that. He likes it just us 2.

- True & (…) can’t take the heat.

- Not with that ‘stache. Guys named Sanchez should not wear a thin mustache. Just sayin’

- Bet you won’t look at him the same again.

-  That would have been sooo funny. Its his bday today though.

- Um, he’ll be all sweaty & shiny at 7 am.  That seems worth waking up for.

- I wanna go I wanna go. DAMN IT!

- I know… & I dressed all pretty for him today too.

- Yep, it’ll be all packaged up in a shiny spandex bow.

- Who’s the man?

- YOU DA MAN!!!

- Yep, & pompously assholic.

- Used to be! Not so fuzzy or pink anymore.

- Dammit. The girl can’t be trusted.

- Definitely a more crafty veteran of the game than we gave her credit for.

- I just lv the bedrm lol!

- What a bitch

- What can you say? The girl’s attempting “the cycle.” Not many can achieve that in just one day.

- Its okay (…) said how can I be friends with u if I can’t curse hahahaha

- Holy fuck!! That’s disturbing.

- Besides, (…) spells things wrong a lot. I don’t think that I could handle that.

- Can you find the hidden alien?

- But they’re so good that I didn’t have time to chew! You should really try cockroaches dipped in chocolate.

- Yep, sure looks like it.  Fuckers, one and all!